tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6032090700970936012023-11-16T01:22:51.657-06:00Conversations on MarriageUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-12640238638071082192015-11-09T11:03:00.003-06:002015-11-09T11:03:54.315-06:00"Red Cupping" and the Christian<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The recent stink about Starbucks cups is silly. A cup is a cup is a cup. Unless someone out their is literally (not implying or suggesting) attacking Christ's claim to the Throne - we might need to chill out a little. And even then - a loving reply is certainly not only preferred, but required.<br />
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<span class="s1">I think most people who call themselves Christians get this - THAT there is nothing in the world that can <u>unmake</u> Jesus's birth significant.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">No cup. No slogan. No greeting. No amount of money. No attitude. No following.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Christmas is Important because of Christ. If there were no one on earth who agreed - it would NOT change the fact that God came to earth in the from of a baby, lived in holiness and wisdom, was crucified, raised from the dead - and is now seated at the right hand of the Father.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Jesus isn't worried that He will be less popular or accepted. He is over all things. The beginning and the end. The earth is His footstool. Nothing is outside of his control. Nothing is beyond His reach. He is not rattled by red cups, or snowmen, or gifts or Santa.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Don't waste your time, Christian, condemning the world. It is already condemned. Each man has been condemned because of his inability to live up to God's standards. Condemned because of the condition of his heart - not his cup. This includes you, dear one. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">In the moments that you have "red cupped" your holiday time by thinking particularly gifts must be bought even if it means putting your family into deeper debt. </span></div>
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Red Cupping - when you respond in anger and impatience with our spouse because he has "ruined" a Christmas dinner with guests.</div>
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Red Cupping - when you yell at a child for their enthusiasm when it inconveniences your plans for the weekend.</div>
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Red Cupping - when you think ill or unkind thoughts toward your neighbor or family.</div>
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Red Cupping - when you doubt God's love or faithfulness.</div>
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Let's be honest! We all have some serious Red Cupping going on - yet Christ is still on the Throne! He is over all things. He will not disappoint. We are condemned. Not Him. </div>
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Yet IN CHRIST - <u>IN CHRIST WE ARE NOT CONDEMNED.</u></div>
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<span class="s1">Christian - Spend your time pointing to Christ and His love. Reminding the world that in Christ there is NO condemnation. Show your neighbor that your confidence in Christ is not so easily shaken as by a popular holiday beverage. Christ brings rest to those who put their hope in Him. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Rest today in this risen Lord. He ain't a tiny baby anymore. He is exalted over all. Rules over all. And we can put our confidence in Him.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-6664073326860124072013-06-10T20:13:00.002-05:002013-06-10T20:13:12.088-05:00The Melody UnderneathTwo nights ago Lance sat on the couch with his guitar case on the floor in front of him. It was the end of the day, and faces were tired - but the indicators were not lost on our two oldest. Daddy was going to play some songs. They both moved to find instruments themselves. M (3 years) asked for the old mandolin, which is terribly out of tune and in addition is missing as string. J (5 years) dragged the drum from the corner and climbed into a chair to wrap his legs around it. They didn't wait for Lance, but started "tuning" their own instruments and ears.
Lance chose a few hymns silently, then asked them if they were ready. He began to play. The chaos of sound that followed could have only been enjoyed by a mother and father who simply like their own kids. It was terrible. The harder they played the more Lance was drowned out. They tried to play louder than one another. They yelled at each other for playing so loudly. Sometimes they stopped to sing. Often the wrong words.
I looked at a hymnal and sang along as best I could. Trying to remember the actual melody. It could not be made out most of the time.
But there were moments, when our little creatures lined up perfectly. Though M's mandolin was out of tune, and she had no idea how to play it - she might have 5 or 6 strums that were right on beat and mirrored Lance's pattern. And Jameson is very rhythmic for a little one, and sometimes he would even begin to feel the beat to hear it and it translated to his playing. Using both hands.
All along Lance's playing was consistent. Reliable. In their respites he would always break through, and be exactly where he ought to have been all along. He was the melody underneath.
But the most amazing thing to me is when all those moments would line up together. The imperfect little strummer. The often syncopated drummer. The mother whose voice is very pitchy in her later stage of pregnancy. The consist melody underneath. And it's genuinely beautiful. It may only be for 4 bars, but it's beautiful - and then it's gone again.
I feel like much of my life is like this right now. The chaos. Everyone trying so hard. So may things going on. Few of them being done well. And it feels like noise. Like it doesn't make any sense. Like it's not really being held together by any common chord. I can't hear the melody underneath.
But you know - it is there. He is there. The Great Composer. And whether it's more like a Stomp performance (when He takes my trash, empty coffee cans, and broom sticks) and makes something strong and memorable, or if it is like Swan Lake - lovely, and seamless, and drawing me in (like a morning of solitude or full naps) it is still something. It is significant. I can't always hear the melody, but it is so clear to me, when it finally breaks through - that it has been there all along.
It is so easy to get overwhelmed with the mediocre demands of toddlerhood life. It is so easy to feel forgotten or betrayed when people around you may hurt you or disappoint you. It is so easy to focus on the chaos and not the melody, but often - if i can close my eyes for a moment I can hear it there underneath. It has been carrying me along all this time, and it will not stop until it has reached it's end.
If I really stop to look into the eyes of my children and see them when they are hurting or feel wronged - I can hear the melody underneath. When I see them dance and laugh, and fall down with joy - I can hear the melody underneath. Even as I clear away a table and realize that all our bellies are full and we still have food leftover - i can hear the melody underneath. Or even if i collapse in the shower, and sit on the floor and cry as the water beats down on me, and I ask God "where are you, Lord? I need you now." - In the white noise of the drops splashing on the mildewed shower door - I can hear the melody underneath. And He is there. Just as He always has been.
Be encouraged today sister. Whatever, and I mean WHATEVER, is going on in your life - He is there. Our Faithful Lord is there, and He has not swayed from His composition. It is being carried out exactly has He intended. You may have been hoping for a crescendo much sooner, but dear one - you are not in charge. We can rest in His plan. We can be certain we have a part in His melody. When you find that beautiful moment when your "music" lines up with His rejoice! And remember it! But do not be discouraged when it passes, and seems like it was too brief.
When my children were playing with Lance, and those beautiful moments happened - Lance would remark (not missing a beat) "J that was perfect! You did a great job just then!" or "M you did that part just like Daddy!" and in the end he closed "I love playing music with you guys."
You see Lance didn't expect anything different from them. They are tiny children. He is not unreasonable. He loves them. He wants them to learn. He wants them to love music. He wants them to love making music with him, because He loves making music with them.
Your God is not looking on you with disappointment Christian. When your efforts seem only as noise, He is not frustrated and wishing you to another sound proof room. This is when He is welcoming you in. This is when He smiles on you and laughs with you. It is no surprise to our Lord that He indeed is the melody underneath! Just come to Him. Be happy that He has invited you into His music. Rejoice in His words of encouragement. Play, play some more.
I have a feeling, as our children grow older - there will be less and less time spent in musical opposition and frustration, and more and more in tune.
Christ is our melody underneath. He makes life beautiful.
Open my ears Lord, so that I might hear.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-5935673578985713562012-05-31T13:35:00.000-05:002012-05-31T13:35:21.253-05:00New Site<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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if you didn't know
I have been re-established here:
http://conversationsonmarriage.tumblr.com/Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-59567930242944650362010-10-02T19:13:00.004-05:002010-10-02T19:36:20.932-05:00"What moments have I forfeited and blamed "marriage" or "motherhood" for taking?"It's absurd to say out loud, right? <br /><br />I sound like I had formerly been a superstar. Leading a professional sports team to victory, or a former rocker who used to tour the world and have fans doe-ding after her. Of course, I am none of those. But I mean it all the same. It's how I feel at least. At least tonight.<br /><br />I used to be great.<br /><br />I always had someone wanting to spend time with me, seeking my advice, giving me gifts, and mailing me letters. That's right not "or" mailing me letters - I said 'AND'. That's how "great" I was.<br /><br />You know you have thought it. Granted, you may not have written here in black and white for God and the whole world to see - Oh! but you thought it. You felt it. In those nights when you turn over in your bed, still unshowered - still hungry, and still a full to-do list waiting for you in the morning. In those mornings when you would rather be throwing up than facing the ungratefulness, the indifference, the assumptions, the frustrations, the car pools, the neighbors, the grass, the dishes. Or maybe even in those free afternoons that are too quiet and still and dreaded because they remind you that your once full datebook now is only full of doctors visits and car maintenance. <br /><br />Or maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about.<br /><br />May you still feel like you are that same "great" woman. You are full of vigor. You feel attractive. You feel fulfilled. You are happy. You look forward to your coming schedule. You relish the challenge. You revile in the solace of your free time. You are still turning away offers for coffee just to "sit and talk."<br /><br />I am beginning to realize many of the things I have forfeited in marriage and motherhood, were just that - forfeited. No one pride them from my hands. Granted, somethings will not come as easily or with the same frequency - coffee and talking, for example. But the things that truly made me happy and filled me with joy, they are not too far from my grasp. And gratefully i'm seeing it now.<br /><br />In college, I would be perfectly content with my journal, my Bible, my Nalgene, and a park. Some days I had hours to spend there, but some days I only had moments. I guess, in my "all or nothing" nature I told myself - well, you can't spend all day there anymore! YOu have family to take care of! Just forget it! <br /><br />Lies.<br /><br />In hindsight, the days I only had a moment to sit under a tree between meetings and classes, where just as sacred.<br /><br />Today, I'm asking myself "What moments have I forfeited and blamed "marriage" or "motherhood" for taking?" What joys do I mope about mourning the loss of, which I have given up willingly!?<br /><br />I'm taking a deep breath. I'm not going to forfeit a walk for a TV show. I'm not going to forfeit really getting to know my sisters in Christ for gossip or idle "mom conversation". I'm not going to forfeit making love for self pity. I'm not going to forfeit reading for worrying. I'm not going to forfeit listening for talking! I won't do it! I won't do it anymore. I won't forfeit tears for looking strong. I won't forfeit help for pride. I won't forfeit laughs for fear of looking silly. I won't forfeit finger paint for fear of stains on the carpet. I won't forfeit dinner with friends for excuses. I won't forfeit adventures for safety. I won't forfeit life for schedules.<br /><br />I won't do. I just won't do it anymore.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-13950113155976376592010-05-30T12:01:00.003-05:002010-05-30T13:31:09.827-05:00The very Spirit of GodI have a sob in my throat this morning as I sit in the Sunday morning service. Vaulted ceilings. Pale yellow walls. A murmur among the crowd. A sob in my throat. I remember a time when the feeling of this morning - was the feeling of everyday. I hesitate to name it now because I once would have never even thought to name it. It would have been so common (not common as in cheap or unimportant - yet rather common in that it was familiar), so common that it would have needed no name - much like a friend who calls and needs not identify himself before beginning his greeting.<br /><br />But now, it's so unfamiliar. And I'm caught between joy and sadness, for I am overwhelmed because that friend has come again, and for so long now I have wondered silently if he would ever return. And now he has come. And I'm still. Almost afraid to acknowledge him. Because I have thought he had returned many times before, yet it proved to be only a shadow as he made his way to visit another. But this time, I'm certain he is here for me.<br /><br />Though not fully manifested to me yet, he is so near I can feel his warmth beside me - like the company of a familiar partner he moves near to me and makes known his love. Yet not a man, but the Spirit.<br /><br />The very Spirit of God.<br /><br />Though I know in my mind He never left me alone, it is also true that often it felt as though He was simply watching and occasionally calling out - but had lost His passion for me and resigned His pursuit, that was once filled with zeal and charm, to a lover who simply slept in my bed yet showed me no desire or attention.<br /><br />But today.<br /><br />Today I feel happy in this love. Totally undeserving of it -oh! But happy! This sob within me results from being loved in such a way that can not be contained. <br /><br />Am I still an ordinary woman - in that: I change dirty diapers, fold clothes, and have dishes piled in my sink? Yes. But I am also, an all together unordinary woman in that I am loved by God to the extent that He came and overcame death for me and goes on petitioning and fighting on my behalf, so that the joy I feel today might be the reality in my everyday life.<br /><br />For it was not the Spirit that moved away from me - but rather I that moved away from Him - because I believed that some other lover might prove better, then in the disappointment that clouded my mind, I forgot Him.<br /><br />Today. I have remembered.<br /><br />Will I forget again? By God's mercy, I beg - No! May I also let the reality of this Love well up inside of me and reach out and touch those around me. May the warmth of my Savior's Love reach it's grasp, particularly toward my family - my husband, and that they might find it's sweet caress a joy and delight. And indulgent love.<br /><br />That they might see in me the love I feel at God's hand.<br /><br />If they are astray - may they come home.<br /><br />If at home - may they always remain.<br /><br />Praise be to God.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-67417963482822386372009-12-07T21:22:00.001-06:002009-12-07T21:24:44.373-06:00When you say "No"Second in the series of three borrowed texts from Aileen Challies.<br /><br />http://www.challies.com/archives/christian-living/false-messages-ii-the-heart-of-rejection.php<br /><br /><br />When you thought about getting married and when you anticipated having sex with your husband, did you ever think about how often you’d be saying “no” to him? I know of a few women who decided before they married that they would never refuse their husbands and who have, admirably, stuck to their promise. For the rest of us, though, “no” is is a word we use far more than we ever would have thought possible (or desirable). Maybe we say “no” with our words, whether kind or gracious; maybe we say “no” with our attitudes or body language; maybe we say it with our wardrobe or simply by going to bed long before he is tired. We grow adept at finding new and creative ways of refusing sex.<br /><br />We are not completely comfortable with rejecting him but at the same time, he wants so much! Can’t he see that I’m too tired? Can’t he see that I’m just not in the mood? Can’t he back off just for tonight (and maybe tomorrow night…and the night after that…)?<br /><br />Yesterday we touched on what sex means to your husband and its importance in married life. Today I want to focus on an area in which many women harm their husbands. I want to talk about how a wife is to respond to her husband’s advances. How does the Bible want her to view sex? Is she never to reject him? Is she called always to have sex when he is in the mood? What does God want from us in all of this?<br /><br />You are probably familiar with these words from 1 Corinthians 7: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” According to this passage, under what circumstances are you allowed to stop having sex? By mutual agreement, for a limited time and to devote yourselves to prayer. (This is why you always say “no,” right? Because you want to pray? “Not tonight, honey, I think we need to pray…”) Take out the exception clause and it reads as a straightforward command: “Do not deprive one another…so that Satan may not tempt you.”<br /><br />As I understand it, this command does not necessarily speak to saying “no” to sex tonight; it refers to rejection. Let’s draw a line between these two things. The inability to have sex tonight is not the same as actually depriving him (perhaps you are feeling sick or you actually do have a bad headache or you’re just absolutely worn out in every way). You can turn him down for noble reasons and he will survive until tomorrow. But what may be sin in your heart and what may tempt him to sin is your rejection. You can say “no” without rejecting him. But do you? Today let’s talk about rejection and see what rejection does to you and what it does to your husband.<br /><br />Rejection and Your Heart<br />Humans are selfish at heart; wives are selfish at heart. Though we know that God calls us to esteem others higher than ourselves, though we know that he calls us to love our husbands more than we love ourselves, we naturally tend toward self-love. Often we love ourselves more than our own husbands. Often rejection is not a reflection of our bodies or our lives, but of our hearts.<br /><br />What happens to our hearts when we continually reject our husbands and do so out of selfishness? I believe the answer is that we grow bitter, increasingly hardened toward our husbands. I recently spoke with several friends about our reactions when we tell our husbands “no.” The overwhelming agreement was that we feel guilty and then, from that guilt comes anger. We grow angry at him for placing us in this situation in which we end up feeling guilty. The conversation in our heads goes something like this. “I should be having sex with him tonight. But I don’t want to have sex with him tonight. He should see that I’m too tired. It is his fault for asking. How dare he!” Instead of putting him first, we look first to ourselves and justify our sin by placing blame on him. If we do not deal properly with this heart sin, it grows and bitterness develops. While there are certainly valid reasons for not wanting to have sex or not being able to have sex on a particular night, like so much sin, it often comes down to attitude and selfishness. You are called to serve your husband as he is called to serve you. That calling extends beyond making sure he has clean underwear and a good meal every night (and, in fact, I’m guessing most men would forgo the clean underwear and the meal if it meant they could have regular joyful sex with you).<br /><br />Angry rejection is not a sign of a heart that is joyfully engaged with their husband. Neither is mere placid participation. A heart that is engaged and willing to serve will find joy in that service if not the act itself. One flows into the other. Regular, joyful sex is for you too! It allows you to connect on the most intimate level with your husband, just as God intended. Your marriage need this connection if it is going to stay strong.<br /><br />Rejection and His Heart<br />Women are often said to be the more complex sex—we are more difficult to understand, we have more hidden nuances. However, when it comes to sex, the male psyche is far more difficult to understand (though men would probably beg to differ). In a woman’s mind, we don’t feel like having sex simply because we don’t feel like having sex. Therefore, we say “No, not tonight.” And most of us could be happy going weeks or months like this (and especially when we’ve got little kids hanging off us for years at a time). But the rejection that the male feels in such refusals is far deeper and far more reaching then we imagine. We have not just rejected sex; we have rejected him.<br /><br />Sin has deeply marred our perception of sex and, as we’ve seen, we tend to believe that it is the physical release men seek rather than the emotional and spiritual connection they experience when making love to their wives. But the truth is, your husband sees sex as a means to show his love for you and in rejecting that act, you are hampering his ability to express his love for you. In his mind you are rejecting not the act, but him and his love. This, more than any other, is an area in which your husband is vulnerable to being deeply hurt. God has given you a huge amount of power over your husband’s perception of his manhood. You can make him feel like a sexual superstar or a complete loser without ever leaving your bed. By rejecting sex, you are rejecting his manhood. It’s not that you can never say “No honey, not tonight” to your husband, but that you need to be careful in how you respond. As always, the heart is the heart of the matter.<br /><br />In her book Becoming the Woman of his Dreams, Sharon Jaynes says that one thing she learned through all of her interviews and surveys is that men are surprisingly fragile when it comes to their sexuality. They may act all big and macho but they are actually very weak in this way, very vulnerable to rejection. So here is a question for you: how often are you acting from pure motives when you refuse your husband? And even if you are not being sinful in motive, are you perhaps being sinful in the way you refuse? Do you maybe even get a bit of sick joy from spurning his advances? Sex is a wonderful opportunity to give back to your husband, to accept his love, to show your love for him. Why, then, are you sometimes (often? all the time?) so quick to turn it down?<br /><br />Take a look at two scenarios Jaynes offers in her book. In the first, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on your 15 minute face cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. You know exactly what he has in mind. “Not now!” you snap. “I’ve had a hard day and that is the last thing on my mind!” End of story. In the second, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on that same cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. “Now that’s a nice idea,” you reply. “I’ll tell you what, I’ve had an extremely tiring day today, but if you hold that thought until tomorrow, I’ll make it worth your while.” This story has just begun!<br /><br />I love these examples. See, in both cases hubby is disappointed, but in only one is he dejected! In one scenario he is rejected, in the other he is simply asked to wait. A man who feels he is begging or asking his wife for a favor feels humiliated. He knows that begging costs him his masculinity. In one scenario the wife protects her husband’s heart; in the other scenario she abuses it. And there is a great danger in this.<br /><br />Let’s go back for a second to 1 Corinthians 7 and make it a little bit more personal, seeing what can happen when you reject your husband: “Do not deprive your husband…so that Satan may not tempt him.” Have you ever thought about it this way before? Could you actually be setting up your husband to experience temptation to sin by rejecting him and refusing to have sex with him on a regular basis? Could you in some way be contributing to his sin? Coming at the end of Tim’s Sexual Detox articles, ones that focused so heavily on men and pornography, this may sound like a justification for these acts. Of course this is not my intention at all and no man ever has justification to turn to pornography or self-pleasure. However, I think it is wise to remember as with everything, when there is sin in one aspect of a relationship, it often spills over into other areas of that relationship. A wife’s rejection may actually leave her husband more vulnerable to sexual sin. While the rejection is not the cause of the subsequent sin it may be the catalyst.<br /><br />Men can end up acting out through pornography or masturbation because of shame, humiliation or rejection. This is not to say that the sin of pornography is always a result of this. But is wise to remember that a denial of God’s commands in marriage can only have negative results. In a perfect world, in a perfect relationship, a woman would never say “no” to her husband and a husband would never ask when his wife is not desirous. Of course in that perfect world a woman would also never be up all night with a sick baby! In the real world, though, a woman often ends up rejecting her husband, not knowing just how deep this cuts.<br /><br />Men, when they feel like men, make better men! They lead better, they work better and yes, they serve their wives better. Feeling like a man includes having a joyful, willing wife. If we are to be truly good wives to our husbands, we need to serve them in all areas, building them up as men. Sex is an important part of that—passionate, joyful, willing sex. Our hearts and attitudes need to be pure. We need to have regular sex with our husbands and always we need to be careful that we are not tearing them down with our rejection.<br /><br />Conclusion<br />A pattern of rejection is dangerous to a marriage. It gives the wife a great deal of power over her husband’s heart—a power that she may wield wrongly. Rejection by the wife leads to feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and temptation in the husband. This may then lead him to be less loving, to lead him to struggle in his role as a husband. This in turn leads the wife to reject him more as she desires him less as she sees him as not loving her as she wants. Remember by rejecting sex, she is rejecting him, rejecting his heart. Meanwhile the wife may grow bitter as her rejection causes her to wrestle with guilt and to push the blame for this guilt upon her husband and his desires. The ugly cycle of sin continues.<br /><br />It is God’s design for marriage that sex displays total love love and acceptance. Therefore a wife ought to be eager to accept her husband’s advances and a husband ought to be eager to accept the body and soul of his wife as they are united as one. It is Satan’s design for marriage that sex, instead of being all about acceptance, should be all about rejection. Whose team are you playing on?<br /><br />This series will conclude tomorrow on what is hopefully a practical note. Tim and I are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you (anonymously if you prefer). You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-39272100647990492192009-11-09T14:29:00.005-06:002009-11-09T14:31:16.741-06:00What He Really WantsI thought that a few articles would be worth sharing. <br /><br />This one in particular will be of interest to you. <br /><br />It's located here: http://www.challies.com/archives/christian-living/false-messages-i-what-he-really-wants.php<br /><br />I have taken the liberty of posting the article for your convenience. Solid. So grateful for resources like this.<br /><br />by Aileen Challies<br /><br />Tim and I were in his office. He was leaning against one of his bookcases and I was sprawled out on his chair reading one of the many emails he received in response to the Sexual Detox articles. We were discussing how his articles had all been directed toward young men and how different the articles would look if they had been directed toward women—how there were several underlying themes that were coming out in the emails he was receiving. I suggested that he needed to write a couple of articles directed at women. Tim looked uncomfortable with that thought (probably for good reason), so we began throwing around ideas about who could write these articles as a guest author and what we would want that person to say. Suddenly he looked at me and suggested, “You could write it…” I’m sure a blank look crossed my face, and I went a little white.<br /><br />For seven years I have successfully avoiding writing anything that could be posted on Tim’s site. However the issues that I will be discussing over the next three days are ones that I really feel need to be talked about among women. These are issues that I have long been talking about with friends and been working out in my own life. It is a little daunting to place myself out before the audience that knows Tim so well, but he has assured me he will edit this before posting it. Here goes nothing…<br /><br />Just as Tim targeted his Detox series at young men, outlining my target group for this article seems wise. This article is for the married women or the soon-to-be-married among you. I hope it will be a blessing to you and your marriages.<br /><br />Superglue<br />A couple of years ago I read a book by Sharon Jaynes called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. In her research Jaynes surveyed and interviewed hundreds of men in her search to understand the qualities men desire in a wife. You won’t be surprised to hear that sexual fulfillment was at the top of the list (like we didn’t see that one coming, right?). This leads her to call sex the superglue that holds a marriage together. Here are a couple of examples of what men said about their sex lives. “What is the one thing I wish my wife understood better about me and what I long for? The need for her to be more sexual. I wish she’d be more creative and enthusiastic about it. I wish sex would be more fun and more of a priority in our marriage.” “The woman of my dreams would want sex as much as I do. I don’t think women really have a concept of how ‘wired’ for sex men are. It can’t make sense to them, not exactly sure why myself. It seems petty, but it’s real.” Her research showed what I think we already know or at least suspected: for your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.<br /><br />In my discussions with other married women I’ve seen clearly that sex, for many couples, is the one thing they fight about most (It’s not just us!). At least from the wife’s perspective, it usually comes down to a pretty simple fact: she simply doesn’t understand why sex is so important to her husband. Because she doesn’t understand, she continues to see it from her perspective and dismisses sex as unimportant, an annoyance, a chore, perhaps an occasional indulgence. She gives herself to him every now and again, hoping it will get hubby off her case for a couple of days, but she does so out of obligation or duty, not delight. Can you identify with this? I think most women can, at least at times.<br /><br />But if Jaynes is right and sex truly is the superglue that holds a marriage together, we, as wives, need to get it right, don’t we? We need to make sure that we are not eroding our marriages from within because we can’t or won’t understand sex.<br /><br />What Does He Really Want?<br />Is your husband’s sex drive something that is purely physical, his body telling him that he just needs a release and that your body is the way to get it? Or is his sex drive in some way connected to you, a need that can only be filled by the spiritual and physical intimacy of making love to you? The message always seems mixed in the female mind. Does my husband want me or does he just want my body? We hear of men who, even though they’re married, look at porn and masturbate and we think, “That solves it! It’s all about the release.” And somehow we really do believe it is that simple. From what I’ve learned as I’ve talked to other women, from what I’ve learned as I’ve responded to emails Tim has received, I can see that a lot of women struggle with this. Just what does my husband really want?<br /><br />Today’s wife has good reason to believe that sex is no deeper than the physical and that her husband wants and needs her only to meet his urgent needs. All around us society screams this message—that sex within marriage, sex designed as mutual pleasure from husband to wife and wife to husband—is the relic of another age. Instead it tells us that sex is actually nothing too special. It is just the release of pent-up hormones, an enjoyable act that can be shared with just about anyone with little ill effect. Many wives bring to marriage these messages from society, from movies and books, from parents, from previous relationships. The worst part is that your own husband may confirm the bad messages by taking what he can get, settling for your body in those times that you refuse to give him all of you. He rolls over and goes to sleep unfulfilled, convinced that he cannot arouse you or please you. Meanwhile, you roll over feeling used, confirmed in your suspicion that he is a pervert who is just after your body. The vicious circle commences and grows with both husband and wife contributing to it.<br /><br />It turns out that women need sexual detox, too. You may have never looked at pornography and you may not have a long and extensive sexual history. But still, you have absorbed messages that are causing you to withdraw your heart from your husband. You believe lies and allow these lies to shape your marriage. Thankfully truth trumps error like spades trumps diamonds (it doesn’t, doesn’t it?). So let’s bring some truth to the error.<br /><br />First off, a good sex life takes work; most people are surprised to learn that it takes skill and practice. Sex is something that seems like it should come very naturally, but often it does not. It can take a long time for the act to be mutually pleasurable for both parties. You first have to learn about one another and you have to learn about yourself. If a woman comes into marriage a virgin, she may have many misconceptions about the wedding night. She goes into that evening expecting fireworks and may come out wondering what on earth is wrong with her. This can continue for weeks, months, years even. During this time, women can begin to believe that all the husband wants is her body. He is being fulfilled and may seem satisfied with the way things are going. Bitterness and discontent grow and sex becomes a battle. Eventually most couples hit their stride, but it is possible that damage has already been done.<br /><br />All of You<br />The fact is that your husband wants both the physical release and the relational intimacy he finds in your arms. He wants you, body, soul and spirit and he wants to give you his body, soul and spirit. He needs you to be willing to both give and receive. The physical desire he feels is a kind of trigger to remind your husband to seek this connection with you. It is a reminder and motivator to him that he needs to pursue you. You must not allow yourself to separate the physical urge from all the rest. God designed your husband to need this physical release. He provided you, the wife, as the one who can and should provide the means for that release. And he provided the act of making love so that it becomes about far more than just the physical act.<br /><br />And aren’t you glad for this, that God made it about so much more than just forcing you to give him some instinctual physical release? We are far more than animals here. In the act of making love you and your husband are knit together, body-to-body, soul-to-soul. The Bible calls it “becoming one”—a perfect word picture. This is why sex as a mere physical act, one divorced from the heart and mind, does not deliver what it may claim to offer. It leaves you feeling used. It leaves your husband feeling incomplete, knowing that you have not truly given yourself to him. You can fulfill an obligation to bring about the release but he may still not experience the emotional and spiritual engagement that is so important to your marriage. For that to happen, you need to offer him more than your body. You need to offer him your body, your soul, your mind, your acceptance. This is what makes sex so intimate and makes you so vulnerable in it. You need to offer up all you are, all you’ve got.<br /><br />This may be hard to believe, but even more than your man wants sexual fulfillment, he wants you to be sexually fulfilled. He wants emotionally to see how much you enjoy what only he can give you. If he fails to do so he feels inadequate. If he knows that you are not enjoying sex but are only trying to placate him, he will not be truly fulfilled. He does not want to be a consumer but a lover. That is an important distinction. Placid participation is not enough.<br /><br />And right there, I understand that we have come to a difficult issue. How do you turn something on that seemly doesn’t want to be turned on? And what if your husband is just really bad at pressing the right buttons (and maybe really good at pressing all the wrong ones)? What if you’ve been nursing a baby all day and tucking kids into bed all evening and then he gives you the look—that look? It may be worth picking up a couple of the books Tim listed under the heading “Women” in the Recommended Resources post of his Sexual Detox series. Some of them offer very good and practical advice on these issues (see especially Carolyn Mahaney, Sharon Jaynes or Gary and Betsy Ricucci ). One thing I would add to those is this: if we as women are honest with ourselves, we’ll have to admit that so often we choose not to participate. We, unlike our male counterparts, have a great deal of mental control over our sexual nature. When we are not in the mood we are not in the mood, right? End of story. But I wonder, if we let our mental guards down, if we looked beyond ourselves and served our husbands as we know God wants us to…maybe we would find that things would work out a whole lot better.<br /><br />So what does your husband want? He wants you—all of you. And his body gives him the reminder to keep pursuing you and to keep making love to you. Do not allow yourself to see his sex drive as something that is animalistic or gross or unholy. It is given to him by the God who does not make mistakes. It must be given for our good. It is a blessing to be appreciated, not a curse to be rejected.<br /><br />Harry Schaumburg, in his book Undefiled, says this (this quote is so good—make sure you read it carefully!), “The drive to be sexual is more than simply a desire for pleasure or excitement. The sex drive is really a longing for closeness—in both sexes. Don’t be fooled by false messages or even personal experience: men want closeness too. Every man that I have counseled who made his wife a sexual object, therefore giving the impression that all he wanted was sexual pleasure, has admitted—often with tears—that what he really wanted was closeness. This revelation was unbelievable to the wives who heard their husbands say that. In may seem unbelievable to you too—but it’s true.”<br /><br />Conclusion<br />Think about what you do to show your husband you love him. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and you show your love by making his lunch in the morning and making sure you meet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home. Maybe he is the type who loves physical affection so you make sure to rub his shoulders or back in the evening. You know the things you do to express your love and affection.<br /><br />Now understand that sex is probably the most meaningful way in which he shows you that he loves you; and it is the most powerful way in which he wants you to show how much you love him. Sex is every man’s love language! If you want to be a wife that serves and builds up your husband, regular, joyful sex will be a part of your relationship to him. So I guess we arrive at the obvious conclusion: have sex, have it often, and serve your husband freely and joyfully in this manner. You will have a stronger marriage to show for it. And, think on this: every marriage counselor is likely to agree that if the sex life is good, the marriage is good. Rarely do you see a bad marriage with a good sex life. It’s almost like sex is…superglue.<br /><br />In the next article I want to look at rejection—what it does to you, what it does to your husband, what it does to your marriage when there is an atmosphere of rejection within between you and your husband. In the meantime, as with the Detox series, we are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you. You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-72988771024058109742009-11-09T14:29:00.001-06:002009-11-09T14:29:17.043-06:00Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-57206029487192620162009-10-27T19:54:00.007-05:002009-10-27T20:37:38.753-05:00Blame ShiftersI also could have titled this post "Danielle." But I'd rather point to someone else.<br /><br />A friend recently showed me the news unfolding over the Baby Einstein videos. The<a href="http://www.commercialexploitation.org/babyeinsteinrefund.html"> CCFC</a> (Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood - and no they don't mean everyone should have Tivo) has been pressing Disney for sometime to either substantiate or withdraw claims that the Baby Einstein dvds will help make your kids a freaking genius. Well, research has come out and - sorry to break the news - watching moving pictures on a screen doesn't teach your kid. It actually hurts their development. <br /><br />Though research like this had been prevalent and available for sometime (like 10 years), people are suddenly shocked and really upset. And to top it all off it's, evidently Disney's fault- CCFC has won out in getting Disney to reimburse people for their dvds. <a href="http://www.babyeinstein.com/(S(3qnoffi1whnnnt55h2ljk355))/parentsguide/satisfaction/upgrade_us.html">$15 a pop</a>. l Nice.<br /><br />Now perhaps you don't see the connection here to your marriage, but I do. I'm not talking about how much TV your family watches either, that's another post altogether. I am rather referring to our inclination to blame someone else for something that is entirely our fault. Even I'm like this, but I get it from my mom. :)<br /><br />We are groomed in a culture that tells us that their is always someone else to blame. If there is no such thing as a free lunch, well, that's because someone else is eating two lunches somewhere! It's their fault! Rarely are individuals encouraged to take responsibility for their own actions and take some initiative to get themselves into a new attitude or life circumstance. <br /><br />Now don't go hatin' on me. By no means am I ruling out charity and love and mercy. Certainly those things are praised and should be present in the life of every believer. Yet, when you find yourself without, when you find that you are angry, when you find that you are discouraged - you are responsible for you. Don't go calling the CCFC and get them to make some calls for you - certainly that is not what love would do. I digress.<br /><br />Back to the point. Are you a Blame Shifter? Do you find yourself prone to account for the faults of your husband and children with ease, yet find your own remorse over attitude or wrong doing much harder to list? Are you always ready to say "you own me this"? Maybe in your heart, if not out loud? <br /><br />Let us be reminded that we are owed NOTHING. When Christ came, we asked everything of Him on the cross. There on that cross, He gave us all that could be desired. <br /><br />Hear this open ears:<br /> If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.<br /><br />In Christ you lack nothing. You are a fool to believe anything other than this truth. You are distracted and believing lies. Videos don't make your kids smart! The world will not make you happy! More appreciation from your husband will not make you happy! Children who obey will not make you happy! A faithful and easy marriage will not make you happy! A leaner body will not make you happy! Another cup of coffee, another piece of cake, a call from a friend, a clean house, a new job, getting to work at home, living closer to family, a husband who never deploys - they will all come up short. They are less than the cross! They are less than the empty tomb!<br /><br />I am convinced (though me being convinced doesn't make it true, it ought to be a least compelling, right?) that many, if not all, of the difficulties in marriage and life are directly connected with my inability to recognize what I already posses. I shift my attention to circumstances, I shift blame to others, I shift my weight back and forth as I grow uncomfortable even now having to admit that I am in the wrong. I am the one to blame. When before God I am the one who is guilty. Or rather should be seen that way.<br /><br />Yet in Christ - oh! In Christ! God becomes the Ulitmate Blame Shifter. Not shifting Blame away from Himself, which would be entirely right of Him to do. For in Him there is no fault. There is no wrong. There is only Good and Right and Pure. Yet God shifts the blame to Himself. TO HIMSELF. On Christ our blame and fault has fallen, and in that great assurance can we not say we have found all things needed? As Christ has shifted the blame from us and on to Himself, as He defeated it in death, and Lords over it in Life - how then do we sit and say we lack any, ANY, good thing? How?!<br /><br />If you shift today, friend, let it be a shift from a women who once thought others to blame - or even from a woman who thought herself to blame - into a woman who has no fault at all in the eyes of her God. <br /><br />For the blame that once was - will never be again!<br /><br />In the resurrection of Christ we have found ourselves blameless. And we had nothing to do with it.<br /><br />If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.<br /><br />Why do you find yourself wanting then? Remember the cross. Remember the Shift that Christ Embodies.<br /><br />Take Hope! Be Happy! Unlike Disney, You don't owe the debt you created. You don't pay the God you offended. It has been paid. <br /><br />You simply must remember. And let us extend some measure of this graciousness to the people around us, particularly our husbands. Certainly the debt you think he owes you is nothing in comparison the debt you would have owed a perfect and Righteous God.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-62635187220356242292009-05-28T10:39:00.003-05:002019-05-29T11:41:11.488-05:00Can your house affect your love life?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Oh, dear ones! We have finally settled (sort of) in our new home in GA. It feels good. I had no idea the impact that moving would have on us, particularly now that we have a child. <br />
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Seeing as this is our 4th permanent move (6th move) in 3 years - you would think that we would get the hang of it, right? That's what I thought, but alas - a child does throw a big kink in the normal moving schedule. Where I was once able to quickly unpack everything and layout entire rooms in just days, now it is divided by naps and feedings. Naps during which you can not hammer or drill. Feedings during which, well, you can't do anything except feed. Even large portions of awake time demand your attention as J is more mobile and needing some higher level supervision.<br />
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But, dare I say it - Jameson was not the biggest hindrance to mine and Lance's relationship in these past few months. The house was. I found that as the house was in shambles I did not feel romantic. Furthermore, often, love making would never even cross my mind. Even the simple things of making love - speaking kindly, helping with chores, packing a lunch, having clean clothes to wear - were lost in the transition from one home to the other.<br />
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It brought something to my attention. At least for me, the condition of my home or "to do list" significantly impacts my time spent with Lance. When I feel productive and balanced in our home, I am more likely to be kind to him and respond to (or even offer) advances for intimacy. Yet, when the hamper is full of dirty clothes, when diapers need to be washed, when dinner is far from ready - I become short and tired, and distracted. And soon, the man I vowed to love and cherish, becomes the man who is just around while I take care of other things.<br />
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How sad! I would challenge you to evaluate how you run your home and see what things you might could change in order to bring some balance and alleviate some tension. Get your husband involved - what man doesn't want to create time for love making? They are few and far between. And who knows if your husband has not been "in the mood" then perhaps as you begin to order your home - he will find a renewed sense of order for himself as well. <br />
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Oh, the things an ordered home can lead to!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-53416252798387566912009-04-02T11:47:00.003-05:002009-04-02T11:56:58.519-05:00Buying a House<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images2.zillow.com/is/image/i0/i0/i6861/ISwsqybuva4joj.jpg?op_sharpen=1&qlt=90&size=460,300"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://images2.zillow.com/is/image/i0/i0/i6861/ISwsqybuva4joj.jpg?op_sharpen=1&qlt=90&size=460,300" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />This house buying process has certainly put a little tension in the Anders household.<br /><br />This is the house we are supposedly closing on this coming Monday. Though the bank we are buying the house from has been saying "next week" for about 7 weeks now. I have to say buying a foreclosure has been a hassle. But we are praying that it will pay off in the end. It will be keeping our monthly mortgage payments low and will help us meet some of our financial goals for the year and the next three years.<br /><br />This is our second home purchase, so you would think that some how we would be seasoned in a way. Not so. It seems everything that was true of our last home purchase, no longer applies. Things change. It is a new location. A new economy. And even a new Anders family. Before we bought a condo in DC in a thriving market for a family of 2. Now we are looking for a single family home in GA for a family of 3 and hopefully room to grow.<br /><br />In all this, I am reminded over and over of two significant things.<br /><br />1. God is the one ordering our path.<br />2. I don't know as much as I think I do.<br /><br />Oh! The applications for marriage! One thing I put my hope in and the other I need to be reminded of daily. When tension arises in our marriage, it is undoubtedly because I have either forgotten one (That God is in control) or because I don't believe the other (that I don't know as much as I think I do).<br /><br />Which one of these is harder for you to remember? Both can be detrimental to your marriage.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-17054342751902962912009-03-30T18:18:00.002-05:002009-03-30T18:32:35.579-05:00Simply PutI have been spending lots of time lately on my hands and knees, and no - I don't mean that in any kinky way what so ever.<br /><br />I am referring to my time with Jameson, my 10 month old, crawling all over the house and sitting on the floor together. He loves reading books together, and recently I have found myself growing tired of the books he has grown so fond of. In order to keep some sanity, I change up the way I read them each time. So as not to totally lose my mind.<br /><br />Today as we read "Noah's Ark" for about the 100th time, I decided to try to come up with one word for each pay to describe what was happening through out the story.<br />Here is how it went:<br /><br />Wicked.<br />Flood.<br />Build.<br />Remnant.<br />Waiting.<br />Hoping.<br />Faithful.<br />Good.<br />Promise.<br /><br />I began to think on my story with Lance. Wondering what words might be used to describe this unfolding of our marriage. I could easily come up with a list that I did not want to use:<br /><br />Nagging.<br />Disappointed.<br />Unfaithful.<br />Lacking.<br />Frustrated.<br />Lonely.<br />Angry.<br />Longing.<br />Escape.<br />Tired.<br />Long.<br />Cluttered.<br />Debt.<br /><br />And the list could go on.<br /><br />I wonder what my ideal list would be like?<br /><br />Love. <br />Faithful.<br />Clean.<br />Enduring.<br />Satisfying.<br />Quenching.<br />Refreshed.<br />Stable.<br />Secure.<br />Comforting.<br />Respect.<br />Learning.<br />Delight.<br /><br />I could think of even more there as well.<br /><br />How do you think your husband would narrate your "simply put" marriage? Are you doing things to help create the marriage that you long to leave the story of?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-54604238035390354112009-02-25T09:38:00.002-06:002009-02-25T09:52:22.110-06:00Corner of the RoofIt is better to live on a corner of a roof than to share a home with a quarreling woman.<br /><br />This quote almost sounds like something out a stand-up comedy act or some romantic comedy on TLC. It's not though. It is a verse from Proverbs, 25:24. I often get a laugh from it, but then gloss on to the next verse, but as I have been reading through Proverbs, I have noticed that this verse (and variations of it) are mentioned several times. Not just this once.<br /><br />As I read this I can not help but wonder how many of our husbands, though not in actuality, but in their minds and emotions totally checkout when they come home and retreat to the corner of the roof so that they don't have to tolerate our quarreling and contention? You feel like he is never listening when you are talking - perhaps it is simply because he can not hear you from the roof. Your nagging and quarreling has made him chose this retreat, because he would rather live alone on a roof than together with you in your house.<br /><br />Another of my favorites is Proverbs 9:13 - A foolish woman is loud, she has no sense at all. <br /><br />Dang. And what is Proverbs called? The book of wisdom? Talk about a blow.<br /><br />I have to say these two verses in particular have called me to reflect on my personal attitude and actions. Am I that lady in the room that simply does not know when to close her mouth? Even when I am home with my husband, is he thinking "Danielle, that's enough already. Just let it go." Certainly I do not what to be that way. I do not want to be foolish in my words, nonsensical. <br /><br />Let us reflect on these things.<br /><br />1. When you see your husband distancing himself, as yourself:<br /> - What have I said to make him welcome in our home?<br /> - What have I said that could be seen as quarreling or nagging?<br /> - Have I communicated that I love him?<br /> - Have I communicated that I need him? That I am glad he chooses to come home?<br /><br />2. When I speak, is it profitable?<br /> - Do I talk simply to make conversation, or is their value to my words?<br /> - Do I speak of things that good, holy, just, pure and lovely?<br /> - Do I make it my intention to talk about the good things first?<br /> - Why do I think that I HAVE to mention every negative observation I make?<br /> - Why can't I "let go" of somethings instead of have a conversation at length about them?<br /> - Do I pray about my conversation?<br /><br /><br />These TOTALLY hit home for me. I know my home would be a lot less like a roof, if I could just make some small accommodations to love in word and in deed.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-25104560180415259002009-02-19T10:31:00.003-06:002009-02-19T10:53:59.818-06:00Dinner CompanyI have been trying to form a new habit of reading a chapter of the Bible out loud to Jameson and myself every morning. I thought an easy place to start would be in Proverbs. Seeing as there are 31 Chapters and all, I would make it my goal for the month.<br /><br />A few days ago, as we read Proverbs 15 - I was taken back as I read some wisdom for being good dinner company. Verse 17 reads in the ESV "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."<br /><br /><br />Granted, I think the application is pretty simple. People would rather eat with someone who loves them and offers a meager meal, than with their enemy over a banqueting table.<br /><br />I could not help but think of how this applies to my marriage on so many levels.<br /><br />1. If I am going to spend an hour fixing dinner, then grow short and smart with lance in conversation and company because of the time gone - he would rather have me in a good mood and eat a sandwich.<br /><br />If you are going to be a pain to spend time around if you don't just take a break and chill out - chances are, your husband would rather you have a little down time and be good company when he gets home. Some work-arounds I have recently incorporated into our schedule - (1) make dinner during Jameson's morning or afternoon nap that way it is ready to put in the over or microwave when lance comes home from work, but i'm not killing myself for the minutes leading to him walking through the door. (2) Casseroles! Making more than one and freezing one for later. (3) Recipes that grow. Using ingredients for the week that work for multiple meals. Example: One night we have Artichoke, Spinach, and Chicken Casserole - Later that week use the left over casserole as a spread on pitas, to make Pita Pizza (Casserole spread, topped with some cheese, and sliced tomatoes) a few minutes in the oven! Dinner with nearly no work for that second meal.<br /><br />But also the proverb gives me a great look into our love making. Let's take the proverb and tweak it, and see if it lines up with any truths in our lives.<br /><br />"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."<br /><br />"Better is a affectionate touch and kiss with love, than to have sex with hate in your heart."<br /><br />I know there are women out there who are going to bed before their husbands so they don't have to deal with sex. There are also those who stay up way later than their husbands so that he will already be asleep when they get in bed, and they are relieved of the responsibility later saying "Well, you are always asleep when I get in bed." But all to often another sad situation exists, where you are getting into bed and having sex, but all the while thinking "Just get this over with already." Friends, let me be clear - your husband is not an idiot. When you would rather be sleeping or watching television, he knows.<br /><br />I want to challenge you this week, to ask which dinner partner you are. Take the initiative to be full of love and gentleness - maybe it begins only with a meager meal of a gentle touch or kiss or on the cheek. But mean it. Whatever you can do genuinely and with full affection - offer than to him today. Certainly, more often than not, your husband would rather have a meager meal of your love, than a feast full of disdain. <br /><br />Let us pray, that soon = in all our hearts we will find both love and feast.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-37456083895603347432009-01-18T21:03:00.005-06:002009-01-18T21:50:54.219-06:00The Woman in My HouseToday started as any day. I woke when I heard Jameson, my 8th month old, crying. It was 5am. "Not bad," I thought to myself as I counted backwards in my head. "4, 3, 2, ... Wow, 10 hours! Awesome job Jameson!" I felt around in the dark for my Old Navy stripped bedroom slippers and slid them under the covers placing them on my feet. This is so that I don't get cold while I'm feeding Jameson, making it harder then for me to fall back asleep. I realized that if I never actually wake up during the feeding, I am a much happier person come official wake-up. I stumble to the door, grab my robe, open the door to the nursery, pick him up and try my best to situate him some where in the vicinity of a nipple. If we are both lucky, I am victorious and he eats and I am able to fall back asleep while sitting in the glider. That is at least until half time of the show, when we change sides and Jameson switches to full-on frantic mode as he searches for the rest of his meal. He finishes. I put him back in bed, hang the robe, drop the slippers systematically before putting each foot under the covers. I am nearly asleep before my head even reaches the pillow. The pillow which, with no regard for me, has now reached 6 degrees and feels like a cube of ice sliding down my face. I am fully awake, and now thinking of the mortgage, the dishes, the laundry, the emails I need to return, and what I going to bring to the dinner that night at a friends house. The dinner which I didn't even know about until 5 this afternoon, Lance had scheduled that one. "Oh yes," I thought, "I have an extra dessert casserole in the freezer for such an emergency!" I'm asleep.<br /><br />Woken again around 8:30. Jameson is crying, but that wasn't what woke me. It was the vivid awareness that my husband was still in the bed beside me. The same husband who promised that he would go for a run and have the dishes washed all before I woke up this morning. That husband. He is huddled under the covers, with one hand sticking out - holding his iphone and checking emails. He just turned and said, "But it's so cold!" I reach over and put my frozen foot between his legs, causing him to squirm and yell, "Your feet are so cold! How are your feet so cold?!" which coincidentally was the exact response I was hoping for. I love my life.<br /><br />Ah, but yes. The day flies on and we shift the responsibility of the dishes back and forth, until finally one of us crumbles simply because they can not handle the pile any longer. Guess who crumbles? He did feed Jameson though,and put up some folded clothes, and hack the Wii so we can play games we don't technically "own" on it. Okay, maybe some of that doesn't really benefit me that much, but still - he was busy. While he cleans up Jameson to head out the door for dinner, I get ready and suddenly catch a glimpse of that woman. <br /><br />It totally stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought I would see her in my own house. Or at least not so soon. Her face looked more like the face of a woman than a girl. She had gotten a hair cut, but I recognized her. She looked nothing like what I would have described her as in my mind. I can only picture her in high school, eating only french fries for lunch, and laughing so hard people turn to see what is going on. But now, even her hands looked old, much older than her true age. Much older than she feels. Darn mirrors. Who would have thought of all the weapons in our home this simple cosmetic tool could have struck the deepest blow? My eyes filled up with tears, then I realized I just didn't have time to be sentimental. I did have an opening on Tuesday afternoon between a feeding and diaper washing, while Jameson should be taking a nap - I will wait until then to really have a cry. That's that.<br /><br />I pull myself together and hear a voice, "What's wrong, sweetheart?" Of course! As soon as I pull myself together he has to walk in and be all chivalrous! Boo! BOO! Seeing as Lance has some magic ability to illicit tears from me exactly when I least want to cry, my resistance was worthless. I crumbled and muttered something along the lines of "the mirror... and my face... and i'm old... want to be a girl... but i'm a mom... and... just not the same... it's hard..." sobbing all the way through. He just hugs me and says, "I love you." I can't help but laugh, because that probably was the most least helpful thing he could have said at the moment, but man - he sure was trying. But you know what? Even though I could have really gone for a "But Danielle, you look just as young as the day I first set eyes on you!" or a "Love, You look wonderful, how could you possibly think you look a day over 20?" I have to say that as I lay down to go to bed, his "I love you." was the one thing lulling me to sleep.<br /><br />So good to know that the thing that really brings me rest is not going to fade away with youth. It's just good.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-5010575004286672172008-10-27T16:34:00.004-05:002008-10-27T18:00:36.981-05:00Like the Unbelieving<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsNlbMPgFHANEUSXwLRBZPIOTmb66OlIfJWy4F3kq_IQ6jtUkW7TOVi1lXm93gGUhLXWsRbAAGUTuwhSXiDOjwqa6eDrkyfsSskTos21lSmeoLGa8pk-q093Ps8LaDDQGozkDtgLtVMWMH/s1600-h/abc_gma_osteen_edit_071016_mn.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsNlbMPgFHANEUSXwLRBZPIOTmb66OlIfJWy4F3kq_IQ6jtUkW7TOVi1lXm93gGUhLXWsRbAAGUTuwhSXiDOjwqa6eDrkyfsSskTos21lSmeoLGa8pk-q093Ps8LaDDQGozkDtgLtVMWMH/s400/abc_gma_osteen_edit_071016_mn.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5261972438818414402" /></a><br />Newsweek contributor Lisa Miller, writes in the "Belief Watch" section - and her recent article was titled "What’s God Got to Do With It?:Her relationship advice is retrograde dross. Submit to your man, or at least pretend, and then do what you want."<br /><br />The "her" in mentioned in the quote is Victoria Osteen, the wife of teacher Joel Osteen. Lisa is referring to Victoria's new book "Love Your Life." If you would like to read Lisa's article -<a href="http://www.newsweek.com/id/163475"> go here.</a><br /><br />One quote in Lisa's article jumped out at me as I read. While referring to the ministry of the two she states, "the theology driving all this success is thin." In other places, there are observations of self-seeking methods and attitudes that the Osteen teaching is latent with, even right down to tricking her kids with donuts to get them to go to church. And then we come back to the title of Lisa's article "What's God Got to Do With It?"<br /><br />Though you may not see immediately what you and Mrs. Osteen have in common, I fear to point out that we all are more like her than we would want to be. Though I have not spent time in her home, or have never gone out to coffee with her - I have to observe, if Lisa Miller represents her honestly, that Mrs. Osteen looks far too much like the rest of the world. She her attitudes and ideas reflect much of the same methods that the lost of the world hold. She is looks just like the sick, bodies and hearts heavy with the burden of sin - objects of God's wrath. Like the unbelieving.<br /><br />Here we find ourselves. I pray that we are not altogether without hope. Most of you who read this blog profess to believe that Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Yet I wonder if in our homes we look much like the unbelieving of the world.<br /><br />We are just trying to get through each week. Not missing calendar dates. Packing lunches. Forgetting to return phone calls. Short tempered with our husband and children. Thinking mostly of our lists. Giving little thought to the needy and poor, and lost. Exhausted as we go to bed. Exhausted still as we wake in the morning. We just get through the day.<br /><br />Does your day look any different than your unbelieving friends? I pray it does.<br /><br />Challenge yourself to spend sometime asking God what He might have you do this week in order to set yourself and your family apart for His glory. I am confident it will also be for your good.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-28795290615834379222008-09-23T21:01:00.002-05:002008-09-23T21:21:28.099-05:00Divisive DevicesI subscribe to a blog by Vicki Courtney (<a href="http://virtuealert.blogspot.com/">Virtue Alert</a>) she does social commentary that is particularly directed towards the media and how it effects/portrays our youth. Often I find myself in agreement with her observations, but when we disagree - we REALLY disagree. A recent post of hers caught my attention though. I thought it was more than appropriate for our discussion.<br /><br />Recently a study by StudyLogic was done of 6,500 traveling executives on behalf of Sheraton Hotels. The statics quoted in an <a href="http://wcbstv.com/technology/blackberry.pda.sheraton.2.818223.html">article by New York CBS</a> left me - to say the least, angry. The article was referring to the study which surveyed these executives and asked questions regarding their prized possession - their Blackberry PDA. The particular statistic that struck me "says 35 percent of them would choose their PDA over their spouse." I tried to find the actual study online, but couldn't - if you know where I could get this - that would be awesome.<br /><br />But, we don't need all the statistics to have some good conversation.<br /><br />So - If it came down to it, when asked - 35% of executives surveyed would say they would choose their Blackberry over their spouse. It's either your wife/husband or the Blackberry! They would answer, "The Blackberry."<br /><br />When I visit homes of family members and friends I often find this same evil lurking. Not necessarily Blackberrys, but the other devices that are dividing homes and families. Some that I could easily rattle off: computer, telephones, ipods, televisions, xboxs, playstations, video games, you name it.<br /><br />Picture this:<br />You come home. You flip on the television. You check your email. You send a text message. You listen to music. You eat. Then you do more of the same. With little to no conversation or interaction with your mate.<br /><br />Sadly, this is not uncommon. Lance and I have to work hard at making sure that the computer does not come between us. Lance, particularly, is a tech junkie. He could sit and read about technology all day. I love people. I could be on facebook or emailing for hours. But - we have to make intentional decisions regarding how to spend our time.<br /><br />What do you think? Are there any devices that are divisive in your home? How is it hard to deal with? Can you see it impact your time with your husband? What can we do?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-41797550318288896762008-08-22T12:05:00.002-05:002008-08-22T12:23:28.170-05:00Respect: Language (cont)Empowering<br /><br />Are you having trouble connecting with your husband? Does he not really seem like your friend any more? More of just a roommate? Passing through the same space each day, but no real connecting?<br /><br />Here is a language topic that has particularly been on my mind lately. Having a husband in a line of work that demands he give respect to others regularly (even, dare I say it, others who don't necessarily deserve respect) - I have found that as he comes home, he is often in need. Not even in need of sex or physical intimacy - but just a wife that will treat and remind him that he is important. Not only does he need to know he is important but he needs to know why he is important. I know I have said this many times before, but when it comes to compliments BE SPECIFIC!<br /><br />If you find yourself struggling to come up with a list of things to praise him for - you probably are not thinking of him regularly enough through out the day. I thought I could throw out some of these compliments to get the juices flowing.<br /><br />I will even <span style="font-weight:bold;">bold</span> the part of the sentence where you can add your SPECIFIC compliment for your husband: (These are all notes I have left on lance's vespa at work, nothing like a surprise compliment!)<br /><br />Among all the men that have ever been and ever will be, you are the one I <span style="font-weight:bold;">respect</span>, <span style="font-weight:bold;">love</span>, and <span style="font-weight:bold;">long for</span>. Make love to me tonight.<br /><br />As I was <span style="font-weight:bold;">washing dishes</span> today, I thought to myself - even if I had a lifetime full of <span style="font-weight:bold;">washing dishes by hand</span> - if it meant I could be yours, I would readily choose it.<br /><br />Though you don't always <span style="font-weight:bold;">trust your decision making</span>, I <span style="font-weight:bold;">am confident in you</span>. I <span style="font-weight:bold;">will follow you anywhere</span>, with joy in my heart, simply because it is you.<br /><br />Last night laying in bed, talking about <span style="font-weight:bold;">our dreams of the future</span>, reminded me that I am promised to a man who <span style="font-weight:bold;">believes I am capable of greatness</span>. You have no idea what that means to me.<br /><br />Even though you are surrounded by men who <span style="font-weight:bold;">love the world and it's treasures</span>, you continue to be set apart and long for eternal things. Know that it has not gone unnoticed. You make me <span style="font-weight:bold;">want to be Home</span>.<br /><br /><br />Just a few ideas. Don't trick yourselves into thinking that your husbands don't care about your opinion of them. They do! Try to make it a point to say one empowering thing to your husband each day in the next week - come back and say whether you can see a change! Your compliments don't have to be as wordy as mine - I'm a dork. I know it. It can be something as simple as: "Thank you for working so hard to take care of our family." or "You took out the trash and I didn't even have to ask you. That means a lot to me!"<br /><br />Praying for your marriages friends.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-87621785994092175352008-08-03T16:00:00.002-05:002008-11-12T19:22:20.636-06:00Jumping Through Hoops<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uBsM2mrx_ei4RAzkt60LmWW_113dotZMQC_h3cTnAGt8iCsguaOKqr3euIE6SbDQegk-7WPgBMQiQwo9EnZQ5KqMLcZ0OQQ5vgqBOrO5I_gHip2dHCtNK4z7ELMhxNBR0lNlVv19GxcA/s1600-h/frustration.png"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7uBsM2mrx_ei4RAzkt60LmWW_113dotZMQC_h3cTnAGt8iCsguaOKqr3euIE6SbDQegk-7WPgBMQiQwo9EnZQ5KqMLcZ0OQQ5vgqBOrO5I_gHip2dHCtNK4z7ELMhxNBR0lNlVv19GxcA/s400/frustration.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5230400712394776994" /></a><br />My husband came across this image on a sight which combines humor with science and philosophy. He is a nerd. Anyway - as soon as he called me over to see the picture I could see where this was going.<br /><br /><br /><br />We laughed together then he asked " I wonder how many of the women you are friends with make their husbands perform trick after trick in order to have a little intimacy?"<br /><br />What a wonderful question! I hope this image makes you ask yourself if you are being unreasonable in your expectations for your husband when it comes to time in bed. Are you expecting him to do some unimaginable series of tricks in order to have sex? or even treating him like he doesn't have a right to your body, but rather he has to earn it?<br /><br />Don't forget: Your body is his. His body is yours.<br /><br />He shouldn't have to solve a Rubik's cube in order to make love.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-4181129069792147342008-07-31T09:03:00.003-05:002008-11-12T19:22:20.921-06:00Respect: Language (cont)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-2KFy2AzLVZ0WBSaJEvnPchwQP_oWdIvofsY4xKSLKO6TpGHBE9ahyphenhyphenwCzVGOE6ho32sVYwGfg7p1nAYUuLmjZf21hLDYUh9_hTXnF_Y9mo_cCK6bTvra-4m2zu-dfp8Np5lRfVuNJwMz9/s1600-h/you_ve_got_mail_cdcover.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-2KFy2AzLVZ0WBSaJEvnPchwQP_oWdIvofsY4xKSLKO6TpGHBE9ahyphenhyphenwCzVGOE6ho32sVYwGfg7p1nAYUuLmjZf21hLDYUh9_hTXnF_Y9mo_cCK6bTvra-4m2zu-dfp8Np5lRfVuNJwMz9/s400/you_ve_got_mail_cdcover.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5229183490967067634" /></a><br />What We Say<br /><br /><br />Do you remember the scene in "You've Got Mail" when Meg Ryan says that she wishes she could say exactly what she wanted to say when she needed to say it? Then Tom Hanks replies that he is the guy who can articulate well, quickly, and often - with regret. Which category do you fall into?<br /><br />I am certainly the later, at least - most often. I find myself able to find the near perfect words to convey love, disappointment, frustration, motivation - whatever might be desired at the moment. Unfortunately Lance. <br /><br />I all too often forget the power that my words have. As I think of King David, I often wonder if he ever wished to retract some retort or banter. Certainly, from the Psalms we are able to see that he was a Wordsmith. Someone who crafted and wove together some of the most beautiful and painful strings of words ever uttered. When used skillfully they leave us encouraged and wooing over our King. What then, if these same skills were used to communicate pain and frustration to those around him? Just as David brings us to the throne in adoration, so also can his articulation bring us to a sickly look at ourselves and our ineptitude. <br /><br />When it comes to communicating with our husbands, we to hold power which can edify them or begin to tear them down.<br /><br />When do you find yourself speaking negatively towards your husband? It can be true or untrue statements about him, but still negative. Let's cover different aspects of life in which you can be intentional about developing a language that draws your husband to the throne of God rather than reminding him of who he used to be. Your husband is a co-heir with Christ Jesus, let's learn to speak to him as such.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-87135349985627373312008-07-24T16:43:00.002-05:002008-07-24T16:46:30.883-05:00New ApproachI have decided to take a new approach to the blog. I will do my best to keep my posts a little more concise and perhaps work out a topic over the course of a month, rather than pack it all into one entry. Hopefully this will give everyone more opportunity to process what we talk about and also to ask more specific questions.<br /><br />The goal will be every Thursday.<br /><br />Adding the new baby to the mix will also make for some interesting conversations regarding what intimacy and communication look like in the midst of a new member of the family.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-36833452700166109642008-07-24T08:11:00.003-05:002008-07-24T08:22:06.786-05:00Back In the SwingJust a notice that I will soon be writing weekly again. Please feel free to email any topics you would like us to talk about.<br /><br /><br />daniellelaur@gmail.com<br /><br />also, please pass on this to your friends. The more people we have involved in the discussion - the better!<br /><br />Just Subscribe to the Post and you (or they) will get regular updates automatically.<br /><br />Talk to you next week!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-29796917908187297132008-03-09T21:01:00.005-05:002008-03-10T17:21:44.552-05:00Respect: LanguageI am heading to SC this weekend with Lance. We have a baby shower. Wow. We are having a baby.<br /><br />Anyway, I will be away for a while. We are moving in just 2 weeks to Oklahoma. This may be the last post for a while. I did want to end on a significant note. A note which I could do well to dwell on. Respecting our husbands.<br /><br />I plan on doing this talk of "respect" in several parts. The first to be covered here is "Language"<br /><br />I urge you to sit down and take a serious look at this post, as I am certain we all can stand to reevaluate how we speak with our husbands. I could make this an entire book, I believe. The topic of how we communicate through our spoken language is a big topic, which could not possibly be covered throughly in such a sort address. Yet, i do believe that to leave it untouched would be foolish. The way we speak to our husbands is directly related to our love making, so I don't really feel like i am steering off topic too much. Chances are, if there is tension in the bedroom - then you also have tension in everyday communication.<br /><br />In an effort to keep this readable and short enough for profitability, I will do 6 things to NOT DO and 6 things TO DO.<br /><br />From the list, we can have conversation and talk about why these things are hard to DO/AVOID.<br /><br />DO NOT:<br /><br />1. DO NOT Be vague.<br /> Example: You ask him to take out the trash, "when he gets the chance." Then get upset when it's not done by a particular time you had in mind (i.e. friends coming over for dinner). If you want the trash taken out before the guests arrive - SAY THAT. Do not expect him to know things you have not explicitly stated.<br /><br />2. DO NOT Be sarcastic or patronize (to correct or rebuke).<br /> Example: He is upset about something, and your respond with a sarcastic comment, which is meant to "give him some perspective." You are not respecting his position. If you think he is being unreasonable or unfair or unloving, say that. Do not use sarcasm as a way of correcting or rebuking. That is wrong. It is a result of laziness and fear.<br /><br />3. DO NOT Yell (speak loudly) from another room.<br /> Example: Even in normal conversation about anything (dinner, clothes, technology, or even a fight) be in the same room together. This may be inconvenient, and even impossible at times - but if you are effortful about walking into the room your spouse is in, in order to address him - you will be amazed at how this esteems him. If someone of nobility were in your home, you would not yell down the hall to address them. You go to them in order to have a conversation. Give your husband the same respect when possible.<br /><br />4. DO NOT Speak poorly of him or to him in front of others.<br /> Example: You have just had a heated conversation where you disagree or brought information to the surface. You walk into the home of friends you are meeting for dinner. This is not the time to bring up the recent conversation with your friends in order to find who they side with (unless your husband has explicitly stated it is okay to bring it up with them). Another example - you are speaking with your mother, (close friend) of a recent happening between yourself and your husband - this is 'no-no" unless your husband has said is okay with you discussing it.<br /><br />5. DO NOT Let your body get an attitude.<br /> Example: Your mouth is saying "your right, dear." but your eyes, arms, legs, and body are all saying "you are wrong!" This one is a BIG one! This is very disrespectful, and speaks very very loudly of your heart. <br /><br />6. DO NOT Interrupt him.<br /> Example: Let the man finish what he was saying. Don't jump in at the first moment you see an opening or loop hole. Let him finish. That might even mean waiting through a long pause. If you care about him, you will care about what he is trying to communicate to you. If you don't care what he is trying to communicate - you don't care about him.<br /><br /><br /><br />And a review of the obvious DOs:<br /><br />1. DO Be specific.<br /> Give enough information to communicate clearly your expectations. If you want him to not only fold the clothes, but put them away. You don't say "can you fold the clothes while i'm gone?" - rather ask "can you fold the clothes and put them away for us while I'm gone?" It may sound simple, but wow - does it help!<br /><br />2. DO be compassionate and honest (especially when correcting or rebuking).<br /> Though sarcasm has it's place in teaching, it is not welcome in a correction or rebuke. When you are correcting your husband or addressing a sin issue, you must use compassion and gentleness in your honesty. Anything else sends mix messages, either that the issue is not really important or that you have no understanding towards him. Have you forgotten that you mess up a lot too?<br /><br />3. DO make every effort to be face to face for conversations.<br /> Walking into the next room in order to see him face to face should not be a chore. It should be a simple way for you to communicate that he deserved to be treated with respect, not called to like he is less important.<br /><br />4. DO esteem him in front of others. <br /> By no means am I saying that we should never talk about the hard things in marriage. On the contrary, I think we need to have more conversations about those hard things. But that is very different than speaking poorly of your husband. If you find yourself talking about him with frustration and bitterness, rather than some sort of sorrow over the disagreement - you need to check your heart. I am saying - to speak highly of him. When you have the opportunity to point out a way that he has provided for you and your family, or expressed love in a special way - you should take advantage of that. Esteem him. Don't be afraid to brag on him.<br /><br />5. DO let your body be relaxed and open.<br /> As you know our bodies have a lot of power in our marriage. Just as they can be used for good towards our husbands, they can also be used for evil. When you let your body get an attitude in conversation, it will cause him to close off and grow frustrated. And rightly so. Pay attention to what your body is saying, chances are - you are being a jerk if your body is closed off and tense. Check your motives. If you are having a hard conversation, try sitting close enough where you can touch his hand or shoulder. Make eye contact. This might relieve some of the tension.<br /><br />6. DO let the man say what he needs to say.<br /> Keep your mouth shut for a while. Chances are you can state your opinion later and the world will not come to an end in the meantime. Sometimes, addressing a problem immediately is not a good idea. Have you ever thought of having those hard conversations, after he has rested from his day? after a meal? Rather than jumping down his throat as soon as he walks in the door? or waiting until his friends leave, instead of exploding in another room where they can hear? When it comes time to have the conversation, state the issue, then let him say how he feels first. Can you put your opinion on hold to really hear him? If you can't keep your mind quite as he talks, you probably don't care about reconciliation - you just care about you getting your own way.<br /><br /><br /><br />I'm exhausted now. I could feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I wrote these. I know I am guilty of every last one of these DO NOTs and need much grace to be a Do. I pray we can talk about these. Do you think I left out exceptions? have I been to methodological?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-60413853919714300792008-01-10T09:21:00.000-06:002008-01-10T09:59:00.103-06:00Questions 4 &5Do you enjoy making love? and Does your husband know?<br /><br /><br />The time that has passed between the last entry and now has been extensive. Due to the baby growing in my womb, my schedule has been dictated by many extraneous factors. Now perhaps we can get back to our conversation. <br /><br />These two questions "Do you enjoy sex? and Does your husband know?" are very sensitive. Though past topics have been prying and hard - these two seem to reach into our hearts and force us to do something that we loath - self evaluation. Oh! How the world would have us to only look around and evaluate others, failing to ever take a moment and pause to see ourselves in that dreadful mirror of reality. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. We find ourselves looking at this place, the bedroom, as a place of frustration and obligation rather than a place of refuge and delight.<br /><br />We will handle these two questions, just as that - Two questions. First we will discuss question "Do you enjoy love making?"<br />I can feel the cringing happening across cyberspace as you read the words. Most women feel that if their answer is not a resounding "yes" that they are a bad wife. Let me put your mind at ease in this and say - you are not alone. Most women find it difficult to find freedom in love making. This does not mean you are a bad wife, it does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or are in sin. It does not mean, as some may assume, that God is punishing you for some past experience or decision. If you are indeed a follower of Christ, I am fully convinced that God wants you to enjoy and delight in love making with your partner - and not only does He want that for you, but will enable you to do so. It may simply take time. But as we learn together, perhaps this conversation will be use as a tool to open up the pleasures of sex to you in your marriage bed.<br /><br />Keeping in mind that love making is not only vaginal intercourse. It ranges from conversation (verbal and nonverbal) to cuddling to intimate touch. Each couple will experience pleasure in different ways and to different extents - but they are ALL able to enjoy love making at some very satisfying level. Particular individuals love the "Leading." The "Leading" is all the love making that leads to more intimate touch and eventually vaginal intercourse. Granted - your husband is probably most vocal about his enjoyment of the latter, but you would be surprised at how he can also grow to cherish and love the Leading. Others get most aroused and excited by the "Caress." The Caress is the more intimate touch that is not yet sex. It is the building and awakening of sensation and awareness. I would say that the Leading could contain touch as well as conversation, but does not include touch of the most erogenous zones, while Caress does include those, particularly using your hands and mouth. Lastly, the final phase of love making could be called "Satisfaction." Because more often than not, if you walk away from your husband before this phase he will not experience the completion of his longing, and in many cases neither will you.<br /><br />I write these phases to help give you a vocabulary when talking to your husband. Because, though you may dread it - we are approaching the next question "Does your husband know?"<br /><br />You must answer this with honesty. First, what is your answer to "Do you enjoy love making?" Whether it be "no," "sometimes," or "yes" - you must tell him. Do NOT ASSUME that he can "pick up" on it - or that he should simply realize it. These are unfair expectations for you to have. It is wrong of you to think he can have knowledge of something that has not been clearly stated to him.<br /><br />Next week, we will talk about how to have and initiate this conversation, so that it will be received and not seen as an attack. Spend time this week thinking on the phases of lovemaking:<br /> - Leading<br /> - Caress<br /> - Satisfaction<br /><br />Pay attention as you play this week, and take note of what means the most to you in intimacy. This information will improve, not only your enjoyment in sex - but also enable you with a tool for communicating with your husband regarding how he satisfies you and what other things you might enjoy.<br /><br />Talk to me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-603209070097093601.post-29759054018937092122007-10-03T21:04:00.001-05:002007-10-03T21:05:24.580-05:00Discontinued...For now ( some undetermined about of time) I will not be writing. Life has gotten busy. I will have to stop writing. But only for a time.... only for a time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1