I have decided to take a new approach to the blog. I will do my best to keep my posts a little more concise and perhaps work out a topic over the course of a month, rather than pack it all into one entry. Hopefully this will give everyone more opportunity to process what we talk about and also to ask more specific questions.
The goal will be every Thursday.
Adding the new baby to the mix will also make for some interesting conversations regarding what intimacy and communication look like in the midst of a new member of the family.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Back In the Swing
Just a notice that I will soon be writing weekly again. Please feel free to email any topics you would like us to talk about.
daniellelaur@gmail.com
also, please pass on this to your friends. The more people we have involved in the discussion - the better!
Just Subscribe to the Post and you (or they) will get regular updates automatically.
Talk to you next week!
daniellelaur@gmail.com
also, please pass on this to your friends. The more people we have involved in the discussion - the better!
Just Subscribe to the Post and you (or they) will get regular updates automatically.
Talk to you next week!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Respect: Language
I am heading to SC this weekend with Lance. We have a baby shower. Wow. We are having a baby.
Anyway, I will be away for a while. We are moving in just 2 weeks to Oklahoma. This may be the last post for a while. I did want to end on a significant note. A note which I could do well to dwell on. Respecting our husbands.
I plan on doing this talk of "respect" in several parts. The first to be covered here is "Language"
I urge you to sit down and take a serious look at this post, as I am certain we all can stand to reevaluate how we speak with our husbands. I could make this an entire book, I believe. The topic of how we communicate through our spoken language is a big topic, which could not possibly be covered throughly in such a sort address. Yet, i do believe that to leave it untouched would be foolish. The way we speak to our husbands is directly related to our love making, so I don't really feel like i am steering off topic too much. Chances are, if there is tension in the bedroom - then you also have tension in everyday communication.
In an effort to keep this readable and short enough for profitability, I will do 6 things to NOT DO and 6 things TO DO.
From the list, we can have conversation and talk about why these things are hard to DO/AVOID.
DO NOT:
1. DO NOT Be vague.
Example: You ask him to take out the trash, "when he gets the chance." Then get upset when it's not done by a particular time you had in mind (i.e. friends coming over for dinner). If you want the trash taken out before the guests arrive - SAY THAT. Do not expect him to know things you have not explicitly stated.
2. DO NOT Be sarcastic or patronize (to correct or rebuke).
Example: He is upset about something, and your respond with a sarcastic comment, which is meant to "give him some perspective." You are not respecting his position. If you think he is being unreasonable or unfair or unloving, say that. Do not use sarcasm as a way of correcting or rebuking. That is wrong. It is a result of laziness and fear.
3. DO NOT Yell (speak loudly) from another room.
Example: Even in normal conversation about anything (dinner, clothes, technology, or even a fight) be in the same room together. This may be inconvenient, and even impossible at times - but if you are effortful about walking into the room your spouse is in, in order to address him - you will be amazed at how this esteems him. If someone of nobility were in your home, you would not yell down the hall to address them. You go to them in order to have a conversation. Give your husband the same respect when possible.
4. DO NOT Speak poorly of him or to him in front of others.
Example: You have just had a heated conversation where you disagree or brought information to the surface. You walk into the home of friends you are meeting for dinner. This is not the time to bring up the recent conversation with your friends in order to find who they side with (unless your husband has explicitly stated it is okay to bring it up with them). Another example - you are speaking with your mother, (close friend) of a recent happening between yourself and your husband - this is 'no-no" unless your husband has said is okay with you discussing it.
5. DO NOT Let your body get an attitude.
Example: Your mouth is saying "your right, dear." but your eyes, arms, legs, and body are all saying "you are wrong!" This one is a BIG one! This is very disrespectful, and speaks very very loudly of your heart.
6. DO NOT Interrupt him.
Example: Let the man finish what he was saying. Don't jump in at the first moment you see an opening or loop hole. Let him finish. That might even mean waiting through a long pause. If you care about him, you will care about what he is trying to communicate to you. If you don't care what he is trying to communicate - you don't care about him.
And a review of the obvious DOs:
1. DO Be specific.
Give enough information to communicate clearly your expectations. If you want him to not only fold the clothes, but put them away. You don't say "can you fold the clothes while i'm gone?" - rather ask "can you fold the clothes and put them away for us while I'm gone?" It may sound simple, but wow - does it help!
2. DO be compassionate and honest (especially when correcting or rebuking).
Though sarcasm has it's place in teaching, it is not welcome in a correction or rebuke. When you are correcting your husband or addressing a sin issue, you must use compassion and gentleness in your honesty. Anything else sends mix messages, either that the issue is not really important or that you have no understanding towards him. Have you forgotten that you mess up a lot too?
3. DO make every effort to be face to face for conversations.
Walking into the next room in order to see him face to face should not be a chore. It should be a simple way for you to communicate that he deserved to be treated with respect, not called to like he is less important.
4. DO esteem him in front of others.
By no means am I saying that we should never talk about the hard things in marriage. On the contrary, I think we need to have more conversations about those hard things. But that is very different than speaking poorly of your husband. If you find yourself talking about him with frustration and bitterness, rather than some sort of sorrow over the disagreement - you need to check your heart. I am saying - to speak highly of him. When you have the opportunity to point out a way that he has provided for you and your family, or expressed love in a special way - you should take advantage of that. Esteem him. Don't be afraid to brag on him.
5. DO let your body be relaxed and open.
As you know our bodies have a lot of power in our marriage. Just as they can be used for good towards our husbands, they can also be used for evil. When you let your body get an attitude in conversation, it will cause him to close off and grow frustrated. And rightly so. Pay attention to what your body is saying, chances are - you are being a jerk if your body is closed off and tense. Check your motives. If you are having a hard conversation, try sitting close enough where you can touch his hand or shoulder. Make eye contact. This might relieve some of the tension.
6. DO let the man say what he needs to say.
Keep your mouth shut for a while. Chances are you can state your opinion later and the world will not come to an end in the meantime. Sometimes, addressing a problem immediately is not a good idea. Have you ever thought of having those hard conversations, after he has rested from his day? after a meal? Rather than jumping down his throat as soon as he walks in the door? or waiting until his friends leave, instead of exploding in another room where they can hear? When it comes time to have the conversation, state the issue, then let him say how he feels first. Can you put your opinion on hold to really hear him? If you can't keep your mind quite as he talks, you probably don't care about reconciliation - you just care about you getting your own way.
I'm exhausted now. I could feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I wrote these. I know I am guilty of every last one of these DO NOTs and need much grace to be a Do. I pray we can talk about these. Do you think I left out exceptions? have I been to methodological?
Anyway, I will be away for a while. We are moving in just 2 weeks to Oklahoma. This may be the last post for a while. I did want to end on a significant note. A note which I could do well to dwell on. Respecting our husbands.
I plan on doing this talk of "respect" in several parts. The first to be covered here is "Language"
I urge you to sit down and take a serious look at this post, as I am certain we all can stand to reevaluate how we speak with our husbands. I could make this an entire book, I believe. The topic of how we communicate through our spoken language is a big topic, which could not possibly be covered throughly in such a sort address. Yet, i do believe that to leave it untouched would be foolish. The way we speak to our husbands is directly related to our love making, so I don't really feel like i am steering off topic too much. Chances are, if there is tension in the bedroom - then you also have tension in everyday communication.
In an effort to keep this readable and short enough for profitability, I will do 6 things to NOT DO and 6 things TO DO.
From the list, we can have conversation and talk about why these things are hard to DO/AVOID.
DO NOT:
1. DO NOT Be vague.
Example: You ask him to take out the trash, "when he gets the chance." Then get upset when it's not done by a particular time you had in mind (i.e. friends coming over for dinner). If you want the trash taken out before the guests arrive - SAY THAT. Do not expect him to know things you have not explicitly stated.
2. DO NOT Be sarcastic or patronize (to correct or rebuke).
Example: He is upset about something, and your respond with a sarcastic comment, which is meant to "give him some perspective." You are not respecting his position. If you think he is being unreasonable or unfair or unloving, say that. Do not use sarcasm as a way of correcting or rebuking. That is wrong. It is a result of laziness and fear.
3. DO NOT Yell (speak loudly) from another room.
Example: Even in normal conversation about anything (dinner, clothes, technology, or even a fight) be in the same room together. This may be inconvenient, and even impossible at times - but if you are effortful about walking into the room your spouse is in, in order to address him - you will be amazed at how this esteems him. If someone of nobility were in your home, you would not yell down the hall to address them. You go to them in order to have a conversation. Give your husband the same respect when possible.
4. DO NOT Speak poorly of him or to him in front of others.
Example: You have just had a heated conversation where you disagree or brought information to the surface. You walk into the home of friends you are meeting for dinner. This is not the time to bring up the recent conversation with your friends in order to find who they side with (unless your husband has explicitly stated it is okay to bring it up with them). Another example - you are speaking with your mother, (close friend) of a recent happening between yourself and your husband - this is 'no-no" unless your husband has said is okay with you discussing it.
5. DO NOT Let your body get an attitude.
Example: Your mouth is saying "your right, dear." but your eyes, arms, legs, and body are all saying "you are wrong!" This one is a BIG one! This is very disrespectful, and speaks very very loudly of your heart.
6. DO NOT Interrupt him.
Example: Let the man finish what he was saying. Don't jump in at the first moment you see an opening or loop hole. Let him finish. That might even mean waiting through a long pause. If you care about him, you will care about what he is trying to communicate to you. If you don't care what he is trying to communicate - you don't care about him.
And a review of the obvious DOs:
1. DO Be specific.
Give enough information to communicate clearly your expectations. If you want him to not only fold the clothes, but put them away. You don't say "can you fold the clothes while i'm gone?" - rather ask "can you fold the clothes and put them away for us while I'm gone?" It may sound simple, but wow - does it help!
2. DO be compassionate and honest (especially when correcting or rebuking).
Though sarcasm has it's place in teaching, it is not welcome in a correction or rebuke. When you are correcting your husband or addressing a sin issue, you must use compassion and gentleness in your honesty. Anything else sends mix messages, either that the issue is not really important or that you have no understanding towards him. Have you forgotten that you mess up a lot too?
3. DO make every effort to be face to face for conversations.
Walking into the next room in order to see him face to face should not be a chore. It should be a simple way for you to communicate that he deserved to be treated with respect, not called to like he is less important.
4. DO esteem him in front of others.
By no means am I saying that we should never talk about the hard things in marriage. On the contrary, I think we need to have more conversations about those hard things. But that is very different than speaking poorly of your husband. If you find yourself talking about him with frustration and bitterness, rather than some sort of sorrow over the disagreement - you need to check your heart. I am saying - to speak highly of him. When you have the opportunity to point out a way that he has provided for you and your family, or expressed love in a special way - you should take advantage of that. Esteem him. Don't be afraid to brag on him.
5. DO let your body be relaxed and open.
As you know our bodies have a lot of power in our marriage. Just as they can be used for good towards our husbands, they can also be used for evil. When you let your body get an attitude in conversation, it will cause him to close off and grow frustrated. And rightly so. Pay attention to what your body is saying, chances are - you are being a jerk if your body is closed off and tense. Check your motives. If you are having a hard conversation, try sitting close enough where you can touch his hand or shoulder. Make eye contact. This might relieve some of the tension.
6. DO let the man say what he needs to say.
Keep your mouth shut for a while. Chances are you can state your opinion later and the world will not come to an end in the meantime. Sometimes, addressing a problem immediately is not a good idea. Have you ever thought of having those hard conversations, after he has rested from his day? after a meal? Rather than jumping down his throat as soon as he walks in the door? or waiting until his friends leave, instead of exploding in another room where they can hear? When it comes time to have the conversation, state the issue, then let him say how he feels first. Can you put your opinion on hold to really hear him? If you can't keep your mind quite as he talks, you probably don't care about reconciliation - you just care about you getting your own way.
I'm exhausted now. I could feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I wrote these. I know I am guilty of every last one of these DO NOTs and need much grace to be a Do. I pray we can talk about these. Do you think I left out exceptions? have I been to methodological?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Questions 4 &5
Do you enjoy making love? and Does your husband know?
The time that has passed between the last entry and now has been extensive. Due to the baby growing in my womb, my schedule has been dictated by many extraneous factors. Now perhaps we can get back to our conversation.
These two questions "Do you enjoy sex? and Does your husband know?" are very sensitive. Though past topics have been prying and hard - these two seem to reach into our hearts and force us to do something that we loath - self evaluation. Oh! How the world would have us to only look around and evaluate others, failing to ever take a moment and pause to see ourselves in that dreadful mirror of reality. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. We find ourselves looking at this place, the bedroom, as a place of frustration and obligation rather than a place of refuge and delight.
We will handle these two questions, just as that - Two questions. First we will discuss question "Do you enjoy love making?"
I can feel the cringing happening across cyberspace as you read the words. Most women feel that if their answer is not a resounding "yes" that they are a bad wife. Let me put your mind at ease in this and say - you are not alone. Most women find it difficult to find freedom in love making. This does not mean you are a bad wife, it does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or are in sin. It does not mean, as some may assume, that God is punishing you for some past experience or decision. If you are indeed a follower of Christ, I am fully convinced that God wants you to enjoy and delight in love making with your partner - and not only does He want that for you, but will enable you to do so. It may simply take time. But as we learn together, perhaps this conversation will be use as a tool to open up the pleasures of sex to you in your marriage bed.
Keeping in mind that love making is not only vaginal intercourse. It ranges from conversation (verbal and nonverbal) to cuddling to intimate touch. Each couple will experience pleasure in different ways and to different extents - but they are ALL able to enjoy love making at some very satisfying level. Particular individuals love the "Leading." The "Leading" is all the love making that leads to more intimate touch and eventually vaginal intercourse. Granted - your husband is probably most vocal about his enjoyment of the latter, but you would be surprised at how he can also grow to cherish and love the Leading. Others get most aroused and excited by the "Caress." The Caress is the more intimate touch that is not yet sex. It is the building and awakening of sensation and awareness. I would say that the Leading could contain touch as well as conversation, but does not include touch of the most erogenous zones, while Caress does include those, particularly using your hands and mouth. Lastly, the final phase of love making could be called "Satisfaction." Because more often than not, if you walk away from your husband before this phase he will not experience the completion of his longing, and in many cases neither will you.
I write these phases to help give you a vocabulary when talking to your husband. Because, though you may dread it - we are approaching the next question "Does your husband know?"
You must answer this with honesty. First, what is your answer to "Do you enjoy love making?" Whether it be "no," "sometimes," or "yes" - you must tell him. Do NOT ASSUME that he can "pick up" on it - or that he should simply realize it. These are unfair expectations for you to have. It is wrong of you to think he can have knowledge of something that has not been clearly stated to him.
Next week, we will talk about how to have and initiate this conversation, so that it will be received and not seen as an attack. Spend time this week thinking on the phases of lovemaking:
- Leading
- Caress
- Satisfaction
Pay attention as you play this week, and take note of what means the most to you in intimacy. This information will improve, not only your enjoyment in sex - but also enable you with a tool for communicating with your husband regarding how he satisfies you and what other things you might enjoy.
Talk to me.
The time that has passed between the last entry and now has been extensive. Due to the baby growing in my womb, my schedule has been dictated by many extraneous factors. Now perhaps we can get back to our conversation.
These two questions "Do you enjoy sex? and Does your husband know?" are very sensitive. Though past topics have been prying and hard - these two seem to reach into our hearts and force us to do something that we loath - self evaluation. Oh! How the world would have us to only look around and evaluate others, failing to ever take a moment and pause to see ourselves in that dreadful mirror of reality. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. We find ourselves looking at this place, the bedroom, as a place of frustration and obligation rather than a place of refuge and delight.
We will handle these two questions, just as that - Two questions. First we will discuss question "Do you enjoy love making?"
I can feel the cringing happening across cyberspace as you read the words. Most women feel that if their answer is not a resounding "yes" that they are a bad wife. Let me put your mind at ease in this and say - you are not alone. Most women find it difficult to find freedom in love making. This does not mean you are a bad wife, it does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or are in sin. It does not mean, as some may assume, that God is punishing you for some past experience or decision. If you are indeed a follower of Christ, I am fully convinced that God wants you to enjoy and delight in love making with your partner - and not only does He want that for you, but will enable you to do so. It may simply take time. But as we learn together, perhaps this conversation will be use as a tool to open up the pleasures of sex to you in your marriage bed.
Keeping in mind that love making is not only vaginal intercourse. It ranges from conversation (verbal and nonverbal) to cuddling to intimate touch. Each couple will experience pleasure in different ways and to different extents - but they are ALL able to enjoy love making at some very satisfying level. Particular individuals love the "Leading." The "Leading" is all the love making that leads to more intimate touch and eventually vaginal intercourse. Granted - your husband is probably most vocal about his enjoyment of the latter, but you would be surprised at how he can also grow to cherish and love the Leading. Others get most aroused and excited by the "Caress." The Caress is the more intimate touch that is not yet sex. It is the building and awakening of sensation and awareness. I would say that the Leading could contain touch as well as conversation, but does not include touch of the most erogenous zones, while Caress does include those, particularly using your hands and mouth. Lastly, the final phase of love making could be called "Satisfaction." Because more often than not, if you walk away from your husband before this phase he will not experience the completion of his longing, and in many cases neither will you.
I write these phases to help give you a vocabulary when talking to your husband. Because, though you may dread it - we are approaching the next question "Does your husband know?"
You must answer this with honesty. First, what is your answer to "Do you enjoy love making?" Whether it be "no," "sometimes," or "yes" - you must tell him. Do NOT ASSUME that he can "pick up" on it - or that he should simply realize it. These are unfair expectations for you to have. It is wrong of you to think he can have knowledge of something that has not been clearly stated to him.
Next week, we will talk about how to have and initiate this conversation, so that it will be received and not seen as an attack. Spend time this week thinking on the phases of lovemaking:
- Leading
- Caress
- Satisfaction
Pay attention as you play this week, and take note of what means the most to you in intimacy. This information will improve, not only your enjoyment in sex - but also enable you with a tool for communicating with your husband regarding how he satisfies you and what other things you might enjoy.
Talk to me.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Discontinued...
For now ( some undetermined about of time) I will not be writing. Life has gotten busy. I will have to stop writing. But only for a time.... only for a time.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
3. Do you initiate love making?
Before we got married, I made it my personal goal to initiate love making once a week. I do not mean suggesting some sort of hang-out time or date night - I mean, I make the first move to get us to the bed room and I take the first steps toward being naked. Ha! Glad we are all friends here. What I mean to communicate is this - Your husband will notice when you are overtly initiating. He may not notice if you "drop clues." Do not leave him guess work. Let there be no question in his mind that you want to make love to him - immediately.
I do not feel like there are any Biblical initiatives which set the guidelines regarding the frequency or necessity of my goal setting - but certainly I will communicate that is it not wrong to do so.
Do not misunderstand. If you half heartedly show interest in initiating, then your husbands integrity and pride will be hurt. You DO NOT want to communicate that you are initiating out of responsibility or guilt. Though you may be thinking "he will just be glad we are having sex," you are sorely wrong. The quality and intent of love making is important to your husband just as it is to you - he just manifests his desires in different ways.
One particular benefit of this principle is that I find I must keep my heart right with the Lord in order to meet these goals. Certainly when I am tired or had a busy week my inclination is not offer my body to Lance, but I think of his love for me and position as the Church - I am filled with longing for him. At times this comes with moments of reflection, yet at other times - after extend meditation and study.
How beautiful the connection between my Spiritual and Physical? When do you find that you do not long for intimacy with God? Tired and busy. It seems in spiritual lovelessness, the very things that will heal our hearts are the same which we despise to do. We know we should sing to God - yet we do not long to. We know that it would refresh us to seek Godly counsel - yet we do not receive it. We know that we should spend time in prayer - yet desire is gone. --- It is NO DIFFERENT in the lovelessness of the marriage bed. The very things which we find we do not long for are the same which will restore our passion.
Passion is found in the doing - not in the waiting or longing.
There is no heat from a fire which we have not started, and similarly we can not expect desire to grow from a marriage bed which we do not kindle intentionally.
The enemy is seeking to destroy our homes, and in this initiating process - in making advances towards our lovers, we place defense which are filled with the very power of God.
Delight in this battle, for certainly is it a battle we were intended to delight in.
I do not feel like there are any Biblical initiatives which set the guidelines regarding the frequency or necessity of my goal setting - but certainly I will communicate that is it not wrong to do so.
Do not misunderstand. If you half heartedly show interest in initiating, then your husbands integrity and pride will be hurt. You DO NOT want to communicate that you are initiating out of responsibility or guilt. Though you may be thinking "he will just be glad we are having sex," you are sorely wrong. The quality and intent of love making is important to your husband just as it is to you - he just manifests his desires in different ways.
One particular benefit of this principle is that I find I must keep my heart right with the Lord in order to meet these goals. Certainly when I am tired or had a busy week my inclination is not offer my body to Lance, but I think of his love for me and position as the Church - I am filled with longing for him. At times this comes with moments of reflection, yet at other times - after extend meditation and study.
How beautiful the connection between my Spiritual and Physical? When do you find that you do not long for intimacy with God? Tired and busy. It seems in spiritual lovelessness, the very things that will heal our hearts are the same which we despise to do. We know we should sing to God - yet we do not long to. We know that it would refresh us to seek Godly counsel - yet we do not receive it. We know that we should spend time in prayer - yet desire is gone. --- It is NO DIFFERENT in the lovelessness of the marriage bed. The very things which we find we do not long for are the same which will restore our passion.
Passion is found in the doing - not in the waiting or longing.
There is no heat from a fire which we have not started, and similarly we can not expect desire to grow from a marriage bed which we do not kindle intentionally.
The enemy is seeking to destroy our homes, and in this initiating process - in making advances towards our lovers, we place defense which are filled with the very power of God.
Delight in this battle, for certainly is it a battle we were intended to delight in.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
2. Do you still go on dates?
Dates. Dates. Dates.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
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