What He Really Wants

I thought that a few articles would be worth sharing.

This one in particular will be of interest to you.

It's located here: http://www.challies.com/archives/christian-living/false-messages-i-what-he-really-wants.php

I have taken the liberty of posting the article for your convenience. Solid. So grateful for resources like this.

by Aileen Challies

Tim and I were in his office. He was leaning against one of his bookcases and I was sprawled out on his chair reading one of the many emails he received in response to the Sexual Detox articles. We were discussing how his articles had all been directed toward young men and how different the articles would look if they had been directed toward women—how there were several underlying themes that were coming out in the emails he was receiving. I suggested that he needed to write a couple of articles directed at women. Tim looked uncomfortable with that thought (probably for good reason), so we began throwing around ideas about who could write these articles as a guest author and what we would want that person to say. Suddenly he looked at me and suggested, “You could write it…” I’m sure a blank look crossed my face, and I went a little white.

For seven years I have successfully avoiding writing anything that could be posted on Tim’s site. However the issues that I will be discussing over the next three days are ones that I really feel need to be talked about among women. These are issues that I have long been talking about with friends and been working out in my own life. It is a little daunting to place myself out before the audience that knows Tim so well, but he has assured me he will edit this before posting it. Here goes nothing…

Just as Tim targeted his Detox series at young men, outlining my target group for this article seems wise. This article is for the married women or the soon-to-be-married among you. I hope it will be a blessing to you and your marriages.

Superglue
A couple of years ago I read a book by Sharon Jaynes called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. In her research Jaynes surveyed and interviewed hundreds of men in her search to understand the qualities men desire in a wife. You won’t be surprised to hear that sexual fulfillment was at the top of the list (like we didn’t see that one coming, right?). This leads her to call sex the superglue that holds a marriage together. Here are a couple of examples of what men said about their sex lives. “What is the one thing I wish my wife understood better about me and what I long for? The need for her to be more sexual. I wish she’d be more creative and enthusiastic about it. I wish sex would be more fun and more of a priority in our marriage.” “The woman of my dreams would want sex as much as I do. I don’t think women really have a concept of how ‘wired’ for sex men are. It can’t make sense to them, not exactly sure why myself. It seems petty, but it’s real.” Her research showed what I think we already know or at least suspected: for your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.

In my discussions with other married women I’ve seen clearly that sex, for many couples, is the one thing they fight about most (It’s not just us!). At least from the wife’s perspective, it usually comes down to a pretty simple fact: she simply doesn’t understand why sex is so important to her husband. Because she doesn’t understand, she continues to see it from her perspective and dismisses sex as unimportant, an annoyance, a chore, perhaps an occasional indulgence. She gives herself to him every now and again, hoping it will get hubby off her case for a couple of days, but she does so out of obligation or duty, not delight. Can you identify with this? I think most women can, at least at times.

But if Jaynes is right and sex truly is the superglue that holds a marriage together, we, as wives, need to get it right, don’t we? We need to make sure that we are not eroding our marriages from within because we can’t or won’t understand sex.

What Does He Really Want?
Is your husband’s sex drive something that is purely physical, his body telling him that he just needs a release and that your body is the way to get it? Or is his sex drive in some way connected to you, a need that can only be filled by the spiritual and physical intimacy of making love to you? The message always seems mixed in the female mind. Does my husband want me or does he just want my body? We hear of men who, even though they’re married, look at porn and masturbate and we think, “That solves it! It’s all about the release.” And somehow we really do believe it is that simple. From what I’ve learned as I’ve talked to other women, from what I’ve learned as I’ve responded to emails Tim has received, I can see that a lot of women struggle with this. Just what does my husband really want?

Today’s wife has good reason to believe that sex is no deeper than the physical and that her husband wants and needs her only to meet his urgent needs. All around us society screams this message—that sex within marriage, sex designed as mutual pleasure from husband to wife and wife to husband—is the relic of another age. Instead it tells us that sex is actually nothing too special. It is just the release of pent-up hormones, an enjoyable act that can be shared with just about anyone with little ill effect. Many wives bring to marriage these messages from society, from movies and books, from parents, from previous relationships. The worst part is that your own husband may confirm the bad messages by taking what he can get, settling for your body in those times that you refuse to give him all of you. He rolls over and goes to sleep unfulfilled, convinced that he cannot arouse you or please you. Meanwhile, you roll over feeling used, confirmed in your suspicion that he is a pervert who is just after your body. The vicious circle commences and grows with both husband and wife contributing to it.

It turns out that women need sexual detox, too. You may have never looked at pornography and you may not have a long and extensive sexual history. But still, you have absorbed messages that are causing you to withdraw your heart from your husband. You believe lies and allow these lies to shape your marriage. Thankfully truth trumps error like spades trumps diamonds (it doesn’t, doesn’t it?). So let’s bring some truth to the error.

First off, a good sex life takes work; most people are surprised to learn that it takes skill and practice. Sex is something that seems like it should come very naturally, but often it does not. It can take a long time for the act to be mutually pleasurable for both parties. You first have to learn about one another and you have to learn about yourself. If a woman comes into marriage a virgin, she may have many misconceptions about the wedding night. She goes into that evening expecting fireworks and may come out wondering what on earth is wrong with her. This can continue for weeks, months, years even. During this time, women can begin to believe that all the husband wants is her body. He is being fulfilled and may seem satisfied with the way things are going. Bitterness and discontent grow and sex becomes a battle. Eventually most couples hit their stride, but it is possible that damage has already been done.

All of You
The fact is that your husband wants both the physical release and the relational intimacy he finds in your arms. He wants you, body, soul and spirit and he wants to give you his body, soul and spirit. He needs you to be willing to both give and receive. The physical desire he feels is a kind of trigger to remind your husband to seek this connection with you. It is a reminder and motivator to him that he needs to pursue you. You must not allow yourself to separate the physical urge from all the rest. God designed your husband to need this physical release. He provided you, the wife, as the one who can and should provide the means for that release. And he provided the act of making love so that it becomes about far more than just the physical act.

And aren’t you glad for this, that God made it about so much more than just forcing you to give him some instinctual physical release? We are far more than animals here. In the act of making love you and your husband are knit together, body-to-body, soul-to-soul. The Bible calls it “becoming one”—a perfect word picture. This is why sex as a mere physical act, one divorced from the heart and mind, does not deliver what it may claim to offer. It leaves you feeling used. It leaves your husband feeling incomplete, knowing that you have not truly given yourself to him. You can fulfill an obligation to bring about the release but he may still not experience the emotional and spiritual engagement that is so important to your marriage. For that to happen, you need to offer him more than your body. You need to offer him your body, your soul, your mind, your acceptance. This is what makes sex so intimate and makes you so vulnerable in it. You need to offer up all you are, all you’ve got.

This may be hard to believe, but even more than your man wants sexual fulfillment, he wants you to be sexually fulfilled. He wants emotionally to see how much you enjoy what only he can give you. If he fails to do so he feels inadequate. If he knows that you are not enjoying sex but are only trying to placate him, he will not be truly fulfilled. He does not want to be a consumer but a lover. That is an important distinction. Placid participation is not enough.

And right there, I understand that we have come to a difficult issue. How do you turn something on that seemly doesn’t want to be turned on? And what if your husband is just really bad at pressing the right buttons (and maybe really good at pressing all the wrong ones)? What if you’ve been nursing a baby all day and tucking kids into bed all evening and then he gives you the look—that look? It may be worth picking up a couple of the books Tim listed under the heading “Women” in the Recommended Resources post of his Sexual Detox series. Some of them offer very good and practical advice on these issues (see especially Carolyn Mahaney, Sharon Jaynes or Gary and Betsy Ricucci ). One thing I would add to those is this: if we as women are honest with ourselves, we’ll have to admit that so often we choose not to participate. We, unlike our male counterparts, have a great deal of mental control over our sexual nature. When we are not in the mood we are not in the mood, right? End of story. But I wonder, if we let our mental guards down, if we looked beyond ourselves and served our husbands as we know God wants us to…maybe we would find that things would work out a whole lot better.

So what does your husband want? He wants you—all of you. And his body gives him the reminder to keep pursuing you and to keep making love to you. Do not allow yourself to see his sex drive as something that is animalistic or gross or unholy. It is given to him by the God who does not make mistakes. It must be given for our good. It is a blessing to be appreciated, not a curse to be rejected.

Harry Schaumburg, in his book Undefiled, says this (this quote is so good—make sure you read it carefully!), “The drive to be sexual is more than simply a desire for pleasure or excitement. The sex drive is really a longing for closeness—in both sexes. Don’t be fooled by false messages or even personal experience: men want closeness too. Every man that I have counseled who made his wife a sexual object, therefore giving the impression that all he wanted was sexual pleasure, has admitted—often with tears—that what he really wanted was closeness. This revelation was unbelievable to the wives who heard their husbands say that. In may seem unbelievable to you too—but it’s true.”

Conclusion
Think about what you do to show your husband you love him. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and you show your love by making his lunch in the morning and making sure you meet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home. Maybe he is the type who loves physical affection so you make sure to rub his shoulders or back in the evening. You know the things you do to express your love and affection.

Now understand that sex is probably the most meaningful way in which he shows you that he loves you; and it is the most powerful way in which he wants you to show how much you love him. Sex is every man’s love language! If you want to be a wife that serves and builds up your husband, regular, joyful sex will be a part of your relationship to him. So I guess we arrive at the obvious conclusion: have sex, have it often, and serve your husband freely and joyfully in this manner. You will have a stronger marriage to show for it. And, think on this: every marriage counselor is likely to agree that if the sex life is good, the marriage is good. Rarely do you see a bad marriage with a good sex life. It’s almost like sex is…superglue.

In the next article I want to look at rejection—what it does to you, what it does to your husband, what it does to your marriage when there is an atmosphere of rejection within between you and your husband. In the meantime, as with the Detox series, we are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you. You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.

Blame Shifters

I also could have titled this post "Danielle." But I'd rather point to someone else.

A friend recently showed me the news unfolding over the Baby Einstein videos. The CCFC (Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood - and no they don't mean everyone should have Tivo) has been pressing Disney for sometime to either substantiate or withdraw claims that the Baby Einstein dvds will help make your kids a freaking genius. Well, research has come out and - sorry to break the news - watching moving pictures on a screen doesn't teach your kid. It actually hurts their development.

Though research like this had been prevalent and available for sometime (like 10 years), people are suddenly shocked and really upset. And to top it all off it's, evidently Disney's fault- CCFC has won out in getting Disney to reimburse people for their dvds. $15 a pop. l Nice.

Now perhaps you don't see the connection here to your marriage, but I do. I'm not talking about how much TV your family watches either, that's another post altogether. I am rather referring to our inclination to blame someone else for something that is entirely our fault. Even I'm like this, but I get it from my mom. :)

We are groomed in a culture that tells us that their is always someone else to blame. If there is no such thing as a free lunch, well, that's because someone else is eating two lunches somewhere! It's their fault! Rarely are individuals encouraged to take responsibility for their own actions and take some initiative to get themselves into a new attitude or life circumstance.

Now don't go hatin' on me. By no means am I ruling out charity and love and mercy. Certainly those things are praised and should be present in the life of every believer. Yet, when you find yourself without, when you find that you are angry, when you find that you are discouraged - you are responsible for you. Don't go calling the CCFC and get them to make some calls for you - certainly that is not what love would do. I digress.

Back to the point. Are you a Blame Shifter? Do you find yourself prone to account for the faults of your husband and children with ease, yet find your own remorse over attitude or wrong doing much harder to list? Are you always ready to say "you own me this"? Maybe in your heart, if not out loud?

Let us be reminded that we are owed NOTHING. When Christ came, we asked everything of Him on the cross. There on that cross, He gave us all that could be desired.

Hear this open ears:
If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

In Christ you lack nothing. You are a fool to believe anything other than this truth. You are distracted and believing lies. Videos don't make your kids smart! The world will not make you happy! More appreciation from your husband will not make you happy! Children who obey will not make you happy! A faithful and easy marriage will not make you happy! A leaner body will not make you happy! Another cup of coffee, another piece of cake, a call from a friend, a clean house, a new job, getting to work at home, living closer to family, a husband who never deploys - they will all come up short. They are less than the cross! They are less than the empty tomb!

I am convinced (though me being convinced doesn't make it true, it ought to be a least compelling, right?) that many, if not all, of the difficulties in marriage and life are directly connected with my inability to recognize what I already posses. I shift my attention to circumstances, I shift blame to others, I shift my weight back and forth as I grow uncomfortable even now having to admit that I am in the wrong. I am the one to blame. When before God I am the one who is guilty. Or rather should be seen that way.

Yet in Christ - oh! In Christ! God becomes the Ulitmate Blame Shifter. Not shifting Blame away from Himself, which would be entirely right of Him to do. For in Him there is no fault. There is no wrong. There is only Good and Right and Pure. Yet God shifts the blame to Himself. TO HIMSELF. On Christ our blame and fault has fallen, and in that great assurance can we not say we have found all things needed? As Christ has shifted the blame from us and on to Himself, as He defeated it in death, and Lords over it in Life - how then do we sit and say we lack any, ANY, good thing? How?!

If you shift today, friend, let it be a shift from a women who once thought others to blame - or even from a woman who thought herself to blame - into a woman who has no fault at all in the eyes of her God.

For the blame that once was - will never be again!

In the resurrection of Christ we have found ourselves blameless. And we had nothing to do with it.

If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

Why do you find yourself wanting then? Remember the cross. Remember the Shift that Christ Embodies.

Take Hope! Be Happy! Unlike Disney, You don't owe the debt you created. You don't pay the God you offended. It has been paid.

You simply must remember. And let us extend some measure of this graciousness to the people around us, particularly our husbands. Certainly the debt you think he owes you is nothing in comparison the debt you would have owed a perfect and Righteous God.

Can your house affect your love life?

Oh, dear ones! We have finally settled (sort of) in our new home in GA. It feels good. I had no idea the impact that moving would have on us, particularly now that we have a child.

Seeing as this is our 4th permanent move (6th move) in 3 years - you would think that we would get the hang of it, right? That's what I thought, but alas - a child does through a big kink in the normal moving schedule. Where I was once able to quickly unpack everything and layout entire rooms in just days, now it is divided by naps and feedings. Naps during which you can not hammer or drill. Feedings during which, well, you can't do anything except feed. Even large portions of awake time demand your attention as J is more mobile and needing some higher level supervision.

But, dare I say it - Jameson was not the biggest hindrance to mine and Lance's relationship in these past few months. The house was. I found that as the house was in shambles I did not feel romantic. Furthermore, often, love making would never even cross my mind. Even the simple things of making love - speaking kindly, helping with chores, packing a lunch, having clean clothes to wear - were lost in the transition from one home to the other.

It brought something to my attention. At least for me, the condition of my home or "to do list" significantly impacts my time spend with Lance. When I feel productive and balanced in our home, I am more likely to be kind to him and respond to (or even offer) advances for intimacy. Yet, when the hamper is full of dirty clothes, when diapers need to be washed, when dinner is far from ready - I become short and tired, and distracted. And soon, the man I vowed to love and cherish, becomes the man who is just around while I take care of other things.

How sad! I would challenge you to evaluate how you run your home and see what things you might could change in order to bring some balance and alleviate some tension. Get your husband involved - what man doesn't want to create time for love making? They are few and far between. And who knows if your husband has not been "in the mood" then perhaps as you begin to order your home - he will find a renewed sense of order for himself as well.

Oh, the things an ordered home can lead to!

Buying a House

This house buying process has certainly put a little tension in the Anders household.

This is the house we are supposedly closing on this coming Monday. Though the bank we are buying the house from has been saying "next week" for about 7 weeks now. I have to say buying a foreclosure has been a hassle. But we are praying that it will pay off in the end. It will be keeping our monthly mortgage payments low and will help us meet some of our financial goals for the year and the next three years.

This is our second home purchase, so you would think that some how we would be seasoned in a way. Not so. It seems everything that was true of our last home purchase, no longer applies. Things change. It is a new location. A new economy. And even a new Anders family. Before we bought a condo in DC in a thriving market for a family of 2. Now we are looking for a single family home in GA for a family of 3 and hopefully room to grow.

In all this, I am reminded over and over of two significant things.

1. God is the one ordering our path.
2. I don't know as much as I think I do.

Oh! The applications for marriage! One thing I put my hope in and the other I need to be reminded of daily. When tension arises in our marriage, it is undoubtedly because I have either forgotten one (That God is in control) or because I don't believe the other (that I don't know as much as I think I do).

Which one of these is harder for you to remember? Both can be detrimental to your marriage.

Simply Put

I have been spending lots of time lately on my hands and knees, and no - I don't mean that in any kinky way what so ever.

I am referring to my time with Jameson, my 10 month old, crawling all over the house and sitting on the floor together. He loves reading books together, and recently I have found myself growing tired of the books he has grown so fond of. In order to keep some sanity, I change up the way I read them each time. So as not to totally lose my mind.

Today as we read "Noah's Ark" for about the 100th time, I decided to try to come up with one word for each pay to describe what was happening through out the story.
Here is how it went:

Wicked.
Flood.
Build.
Remnant.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Faithful.
Good.
Promise.

I began to think on my story with Lance. Wondering what words might be used to describe this unfolding of our marriage. I could easily come up with a list that I did not want to use:

Nagging.
Disappointed.
Unfaithful.
Lacking.
Frustrated.
Lonely.
Angry.
Longing.
Escape.
Tired.
Long.
Cluttered.
Debt.

And the list could go on.

I wonder what my ideal list would be like?

Love.
Faithful.
Clean.
Enduring.
Satisfying.
Quenching.
Refreshed.
Stable.
Secure.
Comforting.
Respect.
Learning.
Delight.

I could think of even more there as well.

How do you think your husband would narrate your "simply put" marriage? Are you doing things to help create the marriage that you long to leave the story of?

Corner of the Roof

It is better to live on a corner of a roof than to share a home with a quarreling woman.

This quote almost sounds like something out a stand-up comedy act or some romantic comedy on TLC. It's not though. It is a verse from Proverbs, 25:24. I often get a laugh from it, but then gloss on to the next verse, but as I have been reading through Proverbs, I have noticed that this verse (and variations of it) are mentioned several times. Not just this once.

As I read this I can not help but wonder how many of our husbands, though not in actuality, but in their minds and emotions totally checkout when they come home and retreat to the corner of the roof so that they don't have to tolerate our quarreling and contention? You feel like he is never listening when you are talking - perhaps it is simply because he can not hear you from the roof. Your nagging and quarreling has made him chose this retreat, because he would rather live alone on a roof than together with you in your house.

Another of my favorites is Proverbs 9:13 - A foolish woman is loud, she has no sense at all.

Dang. And what is Proverbs called? The book of wisdom? Talk about a blow.

I have to say these two verses in particular have called me to reflect on my personal attitude and actions. Am I that lady in the room that simply does not know when to close her mouth? Even when I am home with my husband, is he thinking "Danielle, that's enough already. Just let it go." Certainly I do not what to be that way. I do not want to be foolish in my words, nonsensical.

Let us reflect on these things.

1. When you see your husband distancing himself, as yourself:
- What have I said to make him welcome in our home?
- What have I said that could be seen as quarreling or nagging?
- Have I communicated that I love him?
- Have I communicated that I need him? That I am glad he chooses to come home?

2. When I speak, is it profitable?
- Do I talk simply to make conversation, or is their value to my words?
- Do I speak of things that good, holy, just, pure and lovely?
- Do I make it my intention to talk about the good things first?
- Why do I think that I HAVE to mention every negative observation I make?
- Why can't I "let go" of somethings instead of have a conversation at length about them?
- Do I pray about my conversation?


These TOTALLY hit home for me. I know my home would be a lot less like a roof, if I could just make some small accommodations to love in word and in deed.