I am heading to SC this weekend with Lance. We have a baby shower. Wow. We are having a baby.
Anyway, I will be away for a while. We are moving in just 2 weeks to Oklahoma. This may be the last post for a while. I did want to end on a significant note. A note which I could do well to dwell on. Respecting our husbands.
I plan on doing this talk of "respect" in several parts. The first to be covered here is "Language"
I urge you to sit down and take a serious look at this post, as I am certain we all can stand to reevaluate how we speak with our husbands. I could make this an entire book, I believe. The topic of how we communicate through our spoken language is a big topic, which could not possibly be covered throughly in such a sort address. Yet, i do believe that to leave it untouched would be foolish. The way we speak to our husbands is directly related to our love making, so I don't really feel like i am steering off topic too much. Chances are, if there is tension in the bedroom - then you also have tension in everyday communication.
In an effort to keep this readable and short enough for profitability, I will do 6 things to NOT DO and 6 things TO DO.
From the list, we can have conversation and talk about why these things are hard to DO/AVOID.
DO NOT:
1. DO NOT Be vague.
Example: You ask him to take out the trash, "when he gets the chance." Then get upset when it's not done by a particular time you had in mind (i.e. friends coming over for dinner). If you want the trash taken out before the guests arrive - SAY THAT. Do not expect him to know things you have not explicitly stated.
2. DO NOT Be sarcastic or patronize (to correct or rebuke).
Example: He is upset about something, and your respond with a sarcastic comment, which is meant to "give him some perspective." You are not respecting his position. If you think he is being unreasonable or unfair or unloving, say that. Do not use sarcasm as a way of correcting or rebuking. That is wrong. It is a result of laziness and fear.
3. DO NOT Yell (speak loudly) from another room.
Example: Even in normal conversation about anything (dinner, clothes, technology, or even a fight) be in the same room together. This may be inconvenient, and even impossible at times - but if you are effortful about walking into the room your spouse is in, in order to address him - you will be amazed at how this esteems him. If someone of nobility were in your home, you would not yell down the hall to address them. You go to them in order to have a conversation. Give your husband the same respect when possible.
4. DO NOT Speak poorly of him or to him in front of others.
Example: You have just had a heated conversation where you disagree or brought information to the surface. You walk into the home of friends you are meeting for dinner. This is not the time to bring up the recent conversation with your friends in order to find who they side with (unless your husband has explicitly stated it is okay to bring it up with them). Another example - you are speaking with your mother, (close friend) of a recent happening between yourself and your husband - this is 'no-no" unless your husband has said is okay with you discussing it.
5. DO NOT Let your body get an attitude.
Example: Your mouth is saying "your right, dear." but your eyes, arms, legs, and body are all saying "you are wrong!" This one is a BIG one! This is very disrespectful, and speaks very very loudly of your heart.
6. DO NOT Interrupt him.
Example: Let the man finish what he was saying. Don't jump in at the first moment you see an opening or loop hole. Let him finish. That might even mean waiting through a long pause. If you care about him, you will care about what he is trying to communicate to you. If you don't care what he is trying to communicate - you don't care about him.
And a review of the obvious DOs:
1. DO Be specific.
Give enough information to communicate clearly your expectations. If you want him to not only fold the clothes, but put them away. You don't say "can you fold the clothes while i'm gone?" - rather ask "can you fold the clothes and put them away for us while I'm gone?" It may sound simple, but wow - does it help!
2. DO be compassionate and honest (especially when correcting or rebuking).
Though sarcasm has it's place in teaching, it is not welcome in a correction or rebuke. When you are correcting your husband or addressing a sin issue, you must use compassion and gentleness in your honesty. Anything else sends mix messages, either that the issue is not really important or that you have no understanding towards him. Have you forgotten that you mess up a lot too?
3. DO make every effort to be face to face for conversations.
Walking into the next room in order to see him face to face should not be a chore. It should be a simple way for you to communicate that he deserved to be treated with respect, not called to like he is less important.
4. DO esteem him in front of others.
By no means am I saying that we should never talk about the hard things in marriage. On the contrary, I think we need to have more conversations about those hard things. But that is very different than speaking poorly of your husband. If you find yourself talking about him with frustration and bitterness, rather than some sort of sorrow over the disagreement - you need to check your heart. I am saying - to speak highly of him. When you have the opportunity to point out a way that he has provided for you and your family, or expressed love in a special way - you should take advantage of that. Esteem him. Don't be afraid to brag on him.
5. DO let your body be relaxed and open.
As you know our bodies have a lot of power in our marriage. Just as they can be used for good towards our husbands, they can also be used for evil. When you let your body get an attitude in conversation, it will cause him to close off and grow frustrated. And rightly so. Pay attention to what your body is saying, chances are - you are being a jerk if your body is closed off and tense. Check your motives. If you are having a hard conversation, try sitting close enough where you can touch his hand or shoulder. Make eye contact. This might relieve some of the tension.
6. DO let the man say what he needs to say.
Keep your mouth shut for a while. Chances are you can state your opinion later and the world will not come to an end in the meantime. Sometimes, addressing a problem immediately is not a good idea. Have you ever thought of having those hard conversations, after he has rested from his day? after a meal? Rather than jumping down his throat as soon as he walks in the door? or waiting until his friends leave, instead of exploding in another room where they can hear? When it comes time to have the conversation, state the issue, then let him say how he feels first. Can you put your opinion on hold to really hear him? If you can't keep your mind quite as he talks, you probably don't care about reconciliation - you just care about you getting your own way.
I'm exhausted now. I could feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I wrote these. I know I am guilty of every last one of these DO NOTs and need much grace to be a Do. I pray we can talk about these. Do you think I left out exceptions? have I been to methodological?
