When you say "No"

Second in the series of three borrowed texts from Aileen Challies.

http://www.challies.com/archives/christian-living/false-messages-ii-the-heart-of-rejection.php


When you thought about getting married and when you anticipated having sex with your husband, did you ever think about how often you’d be saying “no” to him? I know of a few women who decided before they married that they would never refuse their husbands and who have, admirably, stuck to their promise. For the rest of us, though, “no” is is a word we use far more than we ever would have thought possible (or desirable). Maybe we say “no” with our words, whether kind or gracious; maybe we say “no” with our attitudes or body language; maybe we say it with our wardrobe or simply by going to bed long before he is tired. We grow adept at finding new and creative ways of refusing sex.

We are not completely comfortable with rejecting him but at the same time, he wants so much! Can’t he see that I’m too tired? Can’t he see that I’m just not in the mood? Can’t he back off just for tonight (and maybe tomorrow night…and the night after that…)?

Yesterday we touched on what sex means to your husband and its importance in married life. Today I want to focus on an area in which many women harm their husbands. I want to talk about how a wife is to respond to her husband’s advances. How does the Bible want her to view sex? Is she never to reject him? Is she called always to have sex when he is in the mood? What does God want from us in all of this?

You are probably familiar with these words from 1 Corinthians 7: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” According to this passage, under what circumstances are you allowed to stop having sex? By mutual agreement, for a limited time and to devote yourselves to prayer. (This is why you always say “no,” right? Because you want to pray? “Not tonight, honey, I think we need to pray…”) Take out the exception clause and it reads as a straightforward command: “Do not deprive one another…so that Satan may not tempt you.”

As I understand it, this command does not necessarily speak to saying “no” to sex tonight; it refers to rejection. Let’s draw a line between these two things. The inability to have sex tonight is not the same as actually depriving him (perhaps you are feeling sick or you actually do have a bad headache or you’re just absolutely worn out in every way). You can turn him down for noble reasons and he will survive until tomorrow. But what may be sin in your heart and what may tempt him to sin is your rejection. You can say “no” without rejecting him. But do you? Today let’s talk about rejection and see what rejection does to you and what it does to your husband.

Rejection and Your Heart
Humans are selfish at heart; wives are selfish at heart. Though we know that God calls us to esteem others higher than ourselves, though we know that he calls us to love our husbands more than we love ourselves, we naturally tend toward self-love. Often we love ourselves more than our own husbands. Often rejection is not a reflection of our bodies or our lives, but of our hearts.

What happens to our hearts when we continually reject our husbands and do so out of selfishness? I believe the answer is that we grow bitter, increasingly hardened toward our husbands. I recently spoke with several friends about our reactions when we tell our husbands “no.” The overwhelming agreement was that we feel guilty and then, from that guilt comes anger. We grow angry at him for placing us in this situation in which we end up feeling guilty. The conversation in our heads goes something like this. “I should be having sex with him tonight. But I don’t want to have sex with him tonight. He should see that I’m too tired. It is his fault for asking. How dare he!” Instead of putting him first, we look first to ourselves and justify our sin by placing blame on him. If we do not deal properly with this heart sin, it grows and bitterness develops. While there are certainly valid reasons for not wanting to have sex or not being able to have sex on a particular night, like so much sin, it often comes down to attitude and selfishness. You are called to serve your husband as he is called to serve you. That calling extends beyond making sure he has clean underwear and a good meal every night (and, in fact, I’m guessing most men would forgo the clean underwear and the meal if it meant they could have regular joyful sex with you).

Angry rejection is not a sign of a heart that is joyfully engaged with their husband. Neither is mere placid participation. A heart that is engaged and willing to serve will find joy in that service if not the act itself. One flows into the other. Regular, joyful sex is for you too! It allows you to connect on the most intimate level with your husband, just as God intended. Your marriage need this connection if it is going to stay strong.

Rejection and His Heart
Women are often said to be the more complex sex—we are more difficult to understand, we have more hidden nuances. However, when it comes to sex, the male psyche is far more difficult to understand (though men would probably beg to differ). In a woman’s mind, we don’t feel like having sex simply because we don’t feel like having sex. Therefore, we say “No, not tonight.” And most of us could be happy going weeks or months like this (and especially when we’ve got little kids hanging off us for years at a time). But the rejection that the male feels in such refusals is far deeper and far more reaching then we imagine. We have not just rejected sex; we have rejected him.

Sin has deeply marred our perception of sex and, as we’ve seen, we tend to believe that it is the physical release men seek rather than the emotional and spiritual connection they experience when making love to their wives. But the truth is, your husband sees sex as a means to show his love for you and in rejecting that act, you are hampering his ability to express his love for you. In his mind you are rejecting not the act, but him and his love. This, more than any other, is an area in which your husband is vulnerable to being deeply hurt. God has given you a huge amount of power over your husband’s perception of his manhood. You can make him feel like a sexual superstar or a complete loser without ever leaving your bed. By rejecting sex, you are rejecting his manhood. It’s not that you can never say “No honey, not tonight” to your husband, but that you need to be careful in how you respond. As always, the heart is the heart of the matter.

In her book Becoming the Woman of his Dreams, Sharon Jaynes says that one thing she learned through all of her interviews and surveys is that men are surprisingly fragile when it comes to their sexuality. They may act all big and macho but they are actually very weak in this way, very vulnerable to rejection. So here is a question for you: how often are you acting from pure motives when you refuse your husband? And even if you are not being sinful in motive, are you perhaps being sinful in the way you refuse? Do you maybe even get a bit of sick joy from spurning his advances? Sex is a wonderful opportunity to give back to your husband, to accept his love, to show your love for him. Why, then, are you sometimes (often? all the time?) so quick to turn it down?

Take a look at two scenarios Jaynes offers in her book. In the first, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on your 15 minute face cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. You know exactly what he has in mind. “Not now!” you snap. “I’ve had a hard day and that is the last thing on my mind!” End of story. In the second, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on that same cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. “Now that’s a nice idea,” you reply. “I’ll tell you what, I’ve had an extremely tiring day today, but if you hold that thought until tomorrow, I’ll make it worth your while.” This story has just begun!

I love these examples. See, in both cases hubby is disappointed, but in only one is he dejected! In one scenario he is rejected, in the other he is simply asked to wait. A man who feels he is begging or asking his wife for a favor feels humiliated. He knows that begging costs him his masculinity. In one scenario the wife protects her husband’s heart; in the other scenario she abuses it. And there is a great danger in this.

Let’s go back for a second to 1 Corinthians 7 and make it a little bit more personal, seeing what can happen when you reject your husband: “Do not deprive your husband…so that Satan may not tempt him.” Have you ever thought about it this way before? Could you actually be setting up your husband to experience temptation to sin by rejecting him and refusing to have sex with him on a regular basis? Could you in some way be contributing to his sin? Coming at the end of Tim’s Sexual Detox articles, ones that focused so heavily on men and pornography, this may sound like a justification for these acts. Of course this is not my intention at all and no man ever has justification to turn to pornography or self-pleasure. However, I think it is wise to remember as with everything, when there is sin in one aspect of a relationship, it often spills over into other areas of that relationship. A wife’s rejection may actually leave her husband more vulnerable to sexual sin. While the rejection is not the cause of the subsequent sin it may be the catalyst.

Men can end up acting out through pornography or masturbation because of shame, humiliation or rejection. This is not to say that the sin of pornography is always a result of this. But is wise to remember that a denial of God’s commands in marriage can only have negative results. In a perfect world, in a perfect relationship, a woman would never say “no” to her husband and a husband would never ask when his wife is not desirous. Of course in that perfect world a woman would also never be up all night with a sick baby! In the real world, though, a woman often ends up rejecting her husband, not knowing just how deep this cuts.

Men, when they feel like men, make better men! They lead better, they work better and yes, they serve their wives better. Feeling like a man includes having a joyful, willing wife. If we are to be truly good wives to our husbands, we need to serve them in all areas, building them up as men. Sex is an important part of that—passionate, joyful, willing sex. Our hearts and attitudes need to be pure. We need to have regular sex with our husbands and always we need to be careful that we are not tearing them down with our rejection.

Conclusion
A pattern of rejection is dangerous to a marriage. It gives the wife a great deal of power over her husband’s heart—a power that she may wield wrongly. Rejection by the wife leads to feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and temptation in the husband. This may then lead him to be less loving, to lead him to struggle in his role as a husband. This in turn leads the wife to reject him more as she desires him less as she sees him as not loving her as she wants. Remember by rejecting sex, she is rejecting him, rejecting his heart. Meanwhile the wife may grow bitter as her rejection causes her to wrestle with guilt and to push the blame for this guilt upon her husband and his desires. The ugly cycle of sin continues.

It is God’s design for marriage that sex displays total love love and acceptance. Therefore a wife ought to be eager to accept her husband’s advances and a husband ought to be eager to accept the body and soul of his wife as they are united as one. It is Satan’s design for marriage that sex, instead of being all about acceptance, should be all about rejection. Whose team are you playing on?

This series will conclude tomorrow on what is hopefully a practical note. Tim and I are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you (anonymously if you prefer). You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.

What He Really Wants

I thought that a few articles would be worth sharing.

This one in particular will be of interest to you.

It's located here: http://www.challies.com/archives/christian-living/false-messages-i-what-he-really-wants.php

I have taken the liberty of posting the article for your convenience. Solid. So grateful for resources like this.

by Aileen Challies

Tim and I were in his office. He was leaning against one of his bookcases and I was sprawled out on his chair reading one of the many emails he received in response to the Sexual Detox articles. We were discussing how his articles had all been directed toward young men and how different the articles would look if they had been directed toward women—how there were several underlying themes that were coming out in the emails he was receiving. I suggested that he needed to write a couple of articles directed at women. Tim looked uncomfortable with that thought (probably for good reason), so we began throwing around ideas about who could write these articles as a guest author and what we would want that person to say. Suddenly he looked at me and suggested, “You could write it…” I’m sure a blank look crossed my face, and I went a little white.

For seven years I have successfully avoiding writing anything that could be posted on Tim’s site. However the issues that I will be discussing over the next three days are ones that I really feel need to be talked about among women. These are issues that I have long been talking about with friends and been working out in my own life. It is a little daunting to place myself out before the audience that knows Tim so well, but he has assured me he will edit this before posting it. Here goes nothing…

Just as Tim targeted his Detox series at young men, outlining my target group for this article seems wise. This article is for the married women or the soon-to-be-married among you. I hope it will be a blessing to you and your marriages.

Superglue
A couple of years ago I read a book by Sharon Jaynes called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. In her research Jaynes surveyed and interviewed hundreds of men in her search to understand the qualities men desire in a wife. You won’t be surprised to hear that sexual fulfillment was at the top of the list (like we didn’t see that one coming, right?). This leads her to call sex the superglue that holds a marriage together. Here are a couple of examples of what men said about their sex lives. “What is the one thing I wish my wife understood better about me and what I long for? The need for her to be more sexual. I wish she’d be more creative and enthusiastic about it. I wish sex would be more fun and more of a priority in our marriage.” “The woman of my dreams would want sex as much as I do. I don’t think women really have a concept of how ‘wired’ for sex men are. It can’t make sense to them, not exactly sure why myself. It seems petty, but it’s real.” Her research showed what I think we already know or at least suspected: for your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.

In my discussions with other married women I’ve seen clearly that sex, for many couples, is the one thing they fight about most (It’s not just us!). At least from the wife’s perspective, it usually comes down to a pretty simple fact: she simply doesn’t understand why sex is so important to her husband. Because she doesn’t understand, she continues to see it from her perspective and dismisses sex as unimportant, an annoyance, a chore, perhaps an occasional indulgence. She gives herself to him every now and again, hoping it will get hubby off her case for a couple of days, but she does so out of obligation or duty, not delight. Can you identify with this? I think most women can, at least at times.

But if Jaynes is right and sex truly is the superglue that holds a marriage together, we, as wives, need to get it right, don’t we? We need to make sure that we are not eroding our marriages from within because we can’t or won’t understand sex.

What Does He Really Want?
Is your husband’s sex drive something that is purely physical, his body telling him that he just needs a release and that your body is the way to get it? Or is his sex drive in some way connected to you, a need that can only be filled by the spiritual and physical intimacy of making love to you? The message always seems mixed in the female mind. Does my husband want me or does he just want my body? We hear of men who, even though they’re married, look at porn and masturbate and we think, “That solves it! It’s all about the release.” And somehow we really do believe it is that simple. From what I’ve learned as I’ve talked to other women, from what I’ve learned as I’ve responded to emails Tim has received, I can see that a lot of women struggle with this. Just what does my husband really want?

Today’s wife has good reason to believe that sex is no deeper than the physical and that her husband wants and needs her only to meet his urgent needs. All around us society screams this message—that sex within marriage, sex designed as mutual pleasure from husband to wife and wife to husband—is the relic of another age. Instead it tells us that sex is actually nothing too special. It is just the release of pent-up hormones, an enjoyable act that can be shared with just about anyone with little ill effect. Many wives bring to marriage these messages from society, from movies and books, from parents, from previous relationships. The worst part is that your own husband may confirm the bad messages by taking what he can get, settling for your body in those times that you refuse to give him all of you. He rolls over and goes to sleep unfulfilled, convinced that he cannot arouse you or please you. Meanwhile, you roll over feeling used, confirmed in your suspicion that he is a pervert who is just after your body. The vicious circle commences and grows with both husband and wife contributing to it.

It turns out that women need sexual detox, too. You may have never looked at pornography and you may not have a long and extensive sexual history. But still, you have absorbed messages that are causing you to withdraw your heart from your husband. You believe lies and allow these lies to shape your marriage. Thankfully truth trumps error like spades trumps diamonds (it doesn’t, doesn’t it?). So let’s bring some truth to the error.

First off, a good sex life takes work; most people are surprised to learn that it takes skill and practice. Sex is something that seems like it should come very naturally, but often it does not. It can take a long time for the act to be mutually pleasurable for both parties. You first have to learn about one another and you have to learn about yourself. If a woman comes into marriage a virgin, she may have many misconceptions about the wedding night. She goes into that evening expecting fireworks and may come out wondering what on earth is wrong with her. This can continue for weeks, months, years even. During this time, women can begin to believe that all the husband wants is her body. He is being fulfilled and may seem satisfied with the way things are going. Bitterness and discontent grow and sex becomes a battle. Eventually most couples hit their stride, but it is possible that damage has already been done.

All of You
The fact is that your husband wants both the physical release and the relational intimacy he finds in your arms. He wants you, body, soul and spirit and he wants to give you his body, soul and spirit. He needs you to be willing to both give and receive. The physical desire he feels is a kind of trigger to remind your husband to seek this connection with you. It is a reminder and motivator to him that he needs to pursue you. You must not allow yourself to separate the physical urge from all the rest. God designed your husband to need this physical release. He provided you, the wife, as the one who can and should provide the means for that release. And he provided the act of making love so that it becomes about far more than just the physical act.

And aren’t you glad for this, that God made it about so much more than just forcing you to give him some instinctual physical release? We are far more than animals here. In the act of making love you and your husband are knit together, body-to-body, soul-to-soul. The Bible calls it “becoming one”—a perfect word picture. This is why sex as a mere physical act, one divorced from the heart and mind, does not deliver what it may claim to offer. It leaves you feeling used. It leaves your husband feeling incomplete, knowing that you have not truly given yourself to him. You can fulfill an obligation to bring about the release but he may still not experience the emotional and spiritual engagement that is so important to your marriage. For that to happen, you need to offer him more than your body. You need to offer him your body, your soul, your mind, your acceptance. This is what makes sex so intimate and makes you so vulnerable in it. You need to offer up all you are, all you’ve got.

This may be hard to believe, but even more than your man wants sexual fulfillment, he wants you to be sexually fulfilled. He wants emotionally to see how much you enjoy what only he can give you. If he fails to do so he feels inadequate. If he knows that you are not enjoying sex but are only trying to placate him, he will not be truly fulfilled. He does not want to be a consumer but a lover. That is an important distinction. Placid participation is not enough.

And right there, I understand that we have come to a difficult issue. How do you turn something on that seemly doesn’t want to be turned on? And what if your husband is just really bad at pressing the right buttons (and maybe really good at pressing all the wrong ones)? What if you’ve been nursing a baby all day and tucking kids into bed all evening and then he gives you the look—that look? It may be worth picking up a couple of the books Tim listed under the heading “Women” in the Recommended Resources post of his Sexual Detox series. Some of them offer very good and practical advice on these issues (see especially Carolyn Mahaney, Sharon Jaynes or Gary and Betsy Ricucci ). One thing I would add to those is this: if we as women are honest with ourselves, we’ll have to admit that so often we choose not to participate. We, unlike our male counterparts, have a great deal of mental control over our sexual nature. When we are not in the mood we are not in the mood, right? End of story. But I wonder, if we let our mental guards down, if we looked beyond ourselves and served our husbands as we know God wants us to…maybe we would find that things would work out a whole lot better.

So what does your husband want? He wants you—all of you. And his body gives him the reminder to keep pursuing you and to keep making love to you. Do not allow yourself to see his sex drive as something that is animalistic or gross or unholy. It is given to him by the God who does not make mistakes. It must be given for our good. It is a blessing to be appreciated, not a curse to be rejected.

Harry Schaumburg, in his book Undefiled, says this (this quote is so good—make sure you read it carefully!), “The drive to be sexual is more than simply a desire for pleasure or excitement. The sex drive is really a longing for closeness—in both sexes. Don’t be fooled by false messages or even personal experience: men want closeness too. Every man that I have counseled who made his wife a sexual object, therefore giving the impression that all he wanted was sexual pleasure, has admitted—often with tears—that what he really wanted was closeness. This revelation was unbelievable to the wives who heard their husbands say that. In may seem unbelievable to you too—but it’s true.”

Conclusion
Think about what you do to show your husband you love him. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and you show your love by making his lunch in the morning and making sure you meet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home. Maybe he is the type who loves physical affection so you make sure to rub his shoulders or back in the evening. You know the things you do to express your love and affection.

Now understand that sex is probably the most meaningful way in which he shows you that he loves you; and it is the most powerful way in which he wants you to show how much you love him. Sex is every man’s love language! If you want to be a wife that serves and builds up your husband, regular, joyful sex will be a part of your relationship to him. So I guess we arrive at the obvious conclusion: have sex, have it often, and serve your husband freely and joyfully in this manner. You will have a stronger marriage to show for it. And, think on this: every marriage counselor is likely to agree that if the sex life is good, the marriage is good. Rarely do you see a bad marriage with a good sex life. It’s almost like sex is…superglue.

In the next article I want to look at rejection—what it does to you, what it does to your husband, what it does to your marriage when there is an atmosphere of rejection within between you and your husband. In the meantime, as with the Detox series, we are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you. You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.

Blame Shifters

I also could have titled this post "Danielle." But I'd rather point to someone else.

A friend recently showed me the news unfolding over the Baby Einstein videos. The CCFC (Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood - and no they don't mean everyone should have Tivo) has been pressing Disney for sometime to either substantiate or withdraw claims that the Baby Einstein dvds will help make your kids a freaking genius. Well, research has come out and - sorry to break the news - watching moving pictures on a screen doesn't teach your kid. It actually hurts their development.

Though research like this had been prevalent and available for sometime (like 10 years), people are suddenly shocked and really upset. And to top it all off it's, evidently Disney's fault- CCFC has won out in getting Disney to reimburse people for their dvds. $15 a pop. l Nice.

Now perhaps you don't see the connection here to your marriage, but I do. I'm not talking about how much TV your family watches either, that's another post altogether. I am rather referring to our inclination to blame someone else for something that is entirely our fault. Even I'm like this, but I get it from my mom. :)

We are groomed in a culture that tells us that their is always someone else to blame. If there is no such thing as a free lunch, well, that's because someone else is eating two lunches somewhere! It's their fault! Rarely are individuals encouraged to take responsibility for their own actions and take some initiative to get themselves into a new attitude or life circumstance.

Now don't go hatin' on me. By no means am I ruling out charity and love and mercy. Certainly those things are praised and should be present in the life of every believer. Yet, when you find yourself without, when you find that you are angry, when you find that you are discouraged - you are responsible for you. Don't go calling the CCFC and get them to make some calls for you - certainly that is not what love would do. I digress.

Back to the point. Are you a Blame Shifter? Do you find yourself prone to account for the faults of your husband and children with ease, yet find your own remorse over attitude or wrong doing much harder to list? Are you always ready to say "you own me this"? Maybe in your heart, if not out loud?

Let us be reminded that we are owed NOTHING. When Christ came, we asked everything of Him on the cross. There on that cross, He gave us all that could be desired.

Hear this open ears:
If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

In Christ you lack nothing. You are a fool to believe anything other than this truth. You are distracted and believing lies. Videos don't make your kids smart! The world will not make you happy! More appreciation from your husband will not make you happy! Children who obey will not make you happy! A faithful and easy marriage will not make you happy! A leaner body will not make you happy! Another cup of coffee, another piece of cake, a call from a friend, a clean house, a new job, getting to work at home, living closer to family, a husband who never deploys - they will all come up short. They are less than the cross! They are less than the empty tomb!

I am convinced (though me being convinced doesn't make it true, it ought to be a least compelling, right?) that many, if not all, of the difficulties in marriage and life are directly connected with my inability to recognize what I already posses. I shift my attention to circumstances, I shift blame to others, I shift my weight back and forth as I grow uncomfortable even now having to admit that I am in the wrong. I am the one to blame. When before God I am the one who is guilty. Or rather should be seen that way.

Yet in Christ - oh! In Christ! God becomes the Ulitmate Blame Shifter. Not shifting Blame away from Himself, which would be entirely right of Him to do. For in Him there is no fault. There is no wrong. There is only Good and Right and Pure. Yet God shifts the blame to Himself. TO HIMSELF. On Christ our blame and fault has fallen, and in that great assurance can we not say we have found all things needed? As Christ has shifted the blame from us and on to Himself, as He defeated it in death, and Lords over it in Life - how then do we sit and say we lack any, ANY, good thing? How?!

If you shift today, friend, let it be a shift from a women who once thought others to blame - or even from a woman who thought herself to blame - into a woman who has no fault at all in the eyes of her God.

For the blame that once was - will never be again!

In the resurrection of Christ we have found ourselves blameless. And we had nothing to do with it.

If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

Why do you find yourself wanting then? Remember the cross. Remember the Shift that Christ Embodies.

Take Hope! Be Happy! Unlike Disney, You don't owe the debt you created. You don't pay the God you offended. It has been paid.

You simply must remember. And let us extend some measure of this graciousness to the people around us, particularly our husbands. Certainly the debt you think he owes you is nothing in comparison the debt you would have owed a perfect and Righteous God.

Can your house affect your love life?

Oh, dear ones! We have finally settled (sort of) in our new home in GA. It feels good. I had no idea the impact that moving would have on us, particularly now that we have a child.

Seeing as this is our 4th permanent move (6th move) in 3 years - you would think that we would get the hang of it, right? That's what I thought, but alas - a child does throw a big kink in the normal moving schedule. Where I was once able to quickly unpack everything and layout entire rooms in just days, now it is divided by naps and feedings. Naps during which you can not hammer or drill. Feedings during which, well, you can't do anything except feed. Even large portions of awake time demand your attention as J is more mobile and needing some higher level supervision.

But, dare I say it - Jameson was not the biggest hindrance to mine and Lance's relationship in these past few months. The house was. I found that as the house was in shambles I did not feel romantic. Furthermore, often, love making would never even cross my mind. Even the simple things of making love - speaking kindly, helping with chores, packing a lunch, having clean clothes to wear - were lost in the transition from one home to the other.

It brought something to my attention. At least for me, the condition of my home or "to do list" significantly impacts my time spent with Lance. When I feel productive and balanced in our home, I am more likely to be kind to him and respond to (or even offer) advances for intimacy. Yet, when the hamper is full of dirty clothes, when diapers need to be washed, when dinner is far from ready - I become short and tired, and distracted. And soon, the man I vowed to love and cherish, becomes the man who is just around while I take care of other things.

How sad! I would challenge you to evaluate how you run your home and see what things you might could change in order to bring some balance and alleviate some tension. Get your husband involved - what man doesn't want to create time for love making? They are few and far between. And who knows if your husband has not been "in the mood" then perhaps as you begin to order your home - he will find a renewed sense of order for himself as well.

Oh, the things an ordered home can lead to!

Buying a House

This house buying process has certainly put a little tension in the Anders household.

This is the house we are supposedly closing on this coming Monday. Though the bank we are buying the house from has been saying "next week" for about 7 weeks now. I have to say buying a foreclosure has been a hassle. But we are praying that it will pay off in the end. It will be keeping our monthly mortgage payments low and will help us meet some of our financial goals for the year and the next three years.

This is our second home purchase, so you would think that some how we would be seasoned in a way. Not so. It seems everything that was true of our last home purchase, no longer applies. Things change. It is a new location. A new economy. And even a new Anders family. Before we bought a condo in DC in a thriving market for a family of 2. Now we are looking for a single family home in GA for a family of 3 and hopefully room to grow.

In all this, I am reminded over and over of two significant things.

1. God is the one ordering our path.
2. I don't know as much as I think I do.

Oh! The applications for marriage! One thing I put my hope in and the other I need to be reminded of daily. When tension arises in our marriage, it is undoubtedly because I have either forgotten one (That God is in control) or because I don't believe the other (that I don't know as much as I think I do).

Which one of these is harder for you to remember? Both can be detrimental to your marriage.

Simply Put

I have been spending lots of time lately on my hands and knees, and no - I don't mean that in any kinky way what so ever.

I am referring to my time with Jameson, my 10 month old, crawling all over the house and sitting on the floor together. He loves reading books together, and recently I have found myself growing tired of the books he has grown so fond of. In order to keep some sanity, I change up the way I read them each time. So as not to totally lose my mind.

Today as we read "Noah's Ark" for about the 100th time, I decided to try to come up with one word for each pay to describe what was happening through out the story.
Here is how it went:

Wicked.
Flood.
Build.
Remnant.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Faithful.
Good.
Promise.

I began to think on my story with Lance. Wondering what words might be used to describe this unfolding of our marriage. I could easily come up with a list that I did not want to use:

Nagging.
Disappointed.
Unfaithful.
Lacking.
Frustrated.
Lonely.
Angry.
Longing.
Escape.
Tired.
Long.
Cluttered.
Debt.

And the list could go on.

I wonder what my ideal list would be like?

Love.
Faithful.
Clean.
Enduring.
Satisfying.
Quenching.
Refreshed.
Stable.
Secure.
Comforting.
Respect.
Learning.
Delight.

I could think of even more there as well.

How do you think your husband would narrate your "simply put" marriage? Are you doing things to help create the marriage that you long to leave the story of?

Corner of the Roof

It is better to live on a corner of a roof than to share a home with a quarreling woman.

This quote almost sounds like something out a stand-up comedy act or some romantic comedy on TLC. It's not though. It is a verse from Proverbs, 25:24. I often get a laugh from it, but then gloss on to the next verse, but as I have been reading through Proverbs, I have noticed that this verse (and variations of it) are mentioned several times. Not just this once.

As I read this I can not help but wonder how many of our husbands, though not in actuality, but in their minds and emotions totally checkout when they come home and retreat to the corner of the roof so that they don't have to tolerate our quarreling and contention? You feel like he is never listening when you are talking - perhaps it is simply because he can not hear you from the roof. Your nagging and quarreling has made him chose this retreat, because he would rather live alone on a roof than together with you in your house.

Another of my favorites is Proverbs 9:13 - A foolish woman is loud, she has no sense at all.

Dang. And what is Proverbs called? The book of wisdom? Talk about a blow.

I have to say these two verses in particular have called me to reflect on my personal attitude and actions. Am I that lady in the room that simply does not know when to close her mouth? Even when I am home with my husband, is he thinking "Danielle, that's enough already. Just let it go." Certainly I do not what to be that way. I do not want to be foolish in my words, nonsensical.

Let us reflect on these things.

1. When you see your husband distancing himself, as yourself:
- What have I said to make him welcome in our home?
- What have I said that could be seen as quarreling or nagging?
- Have I communicated that I love him?
- Have I communicated that I need him? That I am glad he chooses to come home?

2. When I speak, is it profitable?
- Do I talk simply to make conversation, or is their value to my words?
- Do I speak of things that good, holy, just, pure and lovely?
- Do I make it my intention to talk about the good things first?
- Why do I think that I HAVE to mention every negative observation I make?
- Why can't I "let go" of somethings instead of have a conversation at length about them?
- Do I pray about my conversation?


These TOTALLY hit home for me. I know my home would be a lot less like a roof, if I could just make some small accommodations to love in word and in deed.

Dinner Company

I have been trying to form a new habit of reading a chapter of the Bible out loud to Jameson and myself every morning. I thought an easy place to start would be in Proverbs. Seeing as there are 31 Chapters and all, I would make it my goal for the month.

A few days ago, as we read Proverbs 15 - I was taken back as I read some wisdom for being good dinner company. Verse 17 reads in the ESV "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."


Granted, I think the application is pretty simple. People would rather eat with someone who loves them and offers a meager meal, than with their enemy over a banqueting table.

I could not help but think of how this applies to my marriage on so many levels.

1. If I am going to spend an hour fixing dinner, then grow short and smart with lance in conversation and company because of the time gone - he would rather have me in a good mood and eat a sandwich.

If you are going to be a pain to spend time around if you don't just take a break and chill out - chances are, your husband would rather you have a little down time and be good company when he gets home. Some work-arounds I have recently incorporated into our schedule - (1) make dinner during Jameson's morning or afternoon nap that way it is ready to put in the over or microwave when lance comes home from work, but i'm not killing myself for the minutes leading to him walking through the door. (2) Casseroles! Making more than one and freezing one for later. (3) Recipes that grow. Using ingredients for the week that work for multiple meals. Example: One night we have Artichoke, Spinach, and Chicken Casserole - Later that week use the left over casserole as a spread on pitas, to make Pita Pizza (Casserole spread, topped with some cheese, and sliced tomatoes) a few minutes in the oven! Dinner with nearly no work for that second meal.

But also the proverb gives me a great look into our love making. Let's take the proverb and tweak it, and see if it lines up with any truths in our lives.

"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."

"Better is a affectionate touch and kiss with love, than to have sex with hate in your heart."

I know there are women out there who are going to bed before their husbands so they don't have to deal with sex. There are also those who stay up way later than their husbands so that he will already be asleep when they get in bed, and they are relieved of the responsibility later saying "Well, you are always asleep when I get in bed." But all to often another sad situation exists, where you are getting into bed and having sex, but all the while thinking "Just get this over with already." Friends, let me be clear - your husband is not an idiot. When you would rather be sleeping or watching television, he knows.

I want to challenge you this week, to ask which dinner partner you are. Take the initiative to be full of love and gentleness - maybe it begins only with a meager meal of a gentle touch or kiss or on the cheek. But mean it. Whatever you can do genuinely and with full affection - offer than to him today. Certainly, more often than not, your husband would rather have a meager meal of your love, than a feast full of disdain.

Let us pray, that soon = in all our hearts we will find both love and feast.

The Woman in My House

Today started as any day. I woke when I heard Jameson, my 8th month old, crying. It was 5am. "Not bad," I thought to myself as I counted backwards in my head. "4, 3, 2, ... Wow, 10 hours! Awesome job Jameson!" I felt around in the dark for my Old Navy stripped bedroom slippers and slid them under the covers placing them on my feet. This is so that I don't get cold while I'm feeding Jameson, making it harder then for me to fall back asleep. I realized that if I never actually wake up during the feeding, I am a much happier person come official wake-up. I stumble to the door, grab my robe, open the door to the nursery, pick him up and try my best to situate him some where in the vicinity of a nipple. If we are both lucky, I am victorious and he eats and I am able to fall back asleep while sitting in the glider. That is at least until half time of the show, when we change sides and Jameson switches to full-on frantic mode as he searches for the rest of his meal. He finishes. I put him back in bed, hang the robe, drop the slippers systematically before putting each foot under the covers. I am nearly asleep before my head even reaches the pillow. The pillow which, with no regard for me, has now reached 6 degrees and feels like a cube of ice sliding down my face. I am fully awake, and now thinking of the mortgage, the dishes, the laundry, the emails I need to return, and what I going to bring to the dinner that night at a friends house. The dinner which I didn't even know about until 5 this afternoon, Lance had scheduled that one. "Oh yes," I thought, "I have an extra dessert casserole in the freezer for such an emergency!" I'm asleep.

Woken again around 8:30. Jameson is crying, but that wasn't what woke me. It was the vivid awareness that my husband was still in the bed beside me. The same husband who promised that he would go for a run and have the dishes washed all before I woke up this morning. That husband. He is huddled under the covers, with one hand sticking out - holding his iphone and checking emails. He just turned and said, "But it's so cold!" I reach over and put my frozen foot between his legs, causing him to squirm and yell, "Your feet are so cold! How are your feet so cold?!" which coincidentally was the exact response I was hoping for. I love my life.

Ah, but yes. The day flies on and we shift the responsibility of the dishes back and forth, until finally one of us crumbles simply because they can not handle the pile any longer. Guess who crumbles? He did feed Jameson though,and put up some folded clothes, and hack the Wii so we can play games we don't technically "own" on it. Okay, maybe some of that doesn't really benefit me that much, but still - he was busy. While he cleans up Jameson to head out the door for dinner, I get ready and suddenly catch a glimpse of that woman.

It totally stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought I would see her in my own house. Or at least not so soon. Her face looked more like the face of a woman than a girl. She had gotten a hair cut, but I recognized her. She looked nothing like what I would have described her as in my mind. I can only picture her in high school, eating only french fries for lunch, and laughing so hard people turn to see what is going on. But now, even her hands looked old, much older than her true age. Much older than she feels. Darn mirrors. Who would have thought of all the weapons in our home this simple cosmetic tool could have struck the deepest blow? My eyes filled up with tears, then I realized I just didn't have time to be sentimental. I did have an opening on Tuesday afternoon between a feeding and diaper washing, while Jameson should be taking a nap - I will wait until then to really have a cry. That's that.

I pull myself together and hear a voice, "What's wrong, sweetheart?" Of course! As soon as I pull myself together he has to walk in and be all chivalrous! Boo! BOO! Seeing as Lance has some magic ability to illicit tears from me exactly when I least want to cry, my resistance was worthless. I crumbled and muttered something along the lines of "the mirror... and my face... and i'm old... want to be a girl... but i'm a mom... and... just not the same... it's hard..." sobbing all the way through. He just hugs me and says, "I love you." I can't help but laugh, because that probably was the most least helpful thing he could have said at the moment, but man - he sure was trying. But you know what? Even though I could have really gone for a "But Danielle, you look just as young as the day I first set eyes on you!" or a "Love, You look wonderful, how could you possibly think you look a day over 20?" I have to say that as I lay down to go to bed, his "I love you." was the one thing lulling me to sleep.

So good to know that the thing that really brings me rest is not going to fade away with youth. It's just good.