Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Discontinued...
For now ( some undetermined about of time) I will not be writing. Life has gotten busy. I will have to stop writing. But only for a time.... only for a time.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
3. Do you initiate love making?
Before we got married, I made it my personal goal to initiate love making once a week. I do not mean suggesting some sort of hang-out time or date night - I mean, I make the first move to get us to the bed room and I take the first steps toward being naked. Ha! Glad we are all friends here. What I mean to communicate is this - Your husband will notice when you are overtly initiating. He may not notice if you "drop clues." Do not leave him guess work. Let there be no question in his mind that you want to make love to him - immediately.
I do not feel like there are any Biblical initiatives which set the guidelines regarding the frequency or necessity of my goal setting - but certainly I will communicate that is it not wrong to do so.
Do not misunderstand. If you half heartedly show interest in initiating, then your husbands integrity and pride will be hurt. You DO NOT want to communicate that you are initiating out of responsibility or guilt. Though you may be thinking "he will just be glad we are having sex," you are sorely wrong. The quality and intent of love making is important to your husband just as it is to you - he just manifests his desires in different ways.
One particular benefit of this principle is that I find I must keep my heart right with the Lord in order to meet these goals. Certainly when I am tired or had a busy week my inclination is not offer my body to Lance, but I think of his love for me and position as the Church - I am filled with longing for him. At times this comes with moments of reflection, yet at other times - after extend meditation and study.
How beautiful the connection between my Spiritual and Physical? When do you find that you do not long for intimacy with God? Tired and busy. It seems in spiritual lovelessness, the very things that will heal our hearts are the same which we despise to do. We know we should sing to God - yet we do not long to. We know that it would refresh us to seek Godly counsel - yet we do not receive it. We know that we should spend time in prayer - yet desire is gone. --- It is NO DIFFERENT in the lovelessness of the marriage bed. The very things which we find we do not long for are the same which will restore our passion.
Passion is found in the doing - not in the waiting or longing.
There is no heat from a fire which we have not started, and similarly we can not expect desire to grow from a marriage bed which we do not kindle intentionally.
The enemy is seeking to destroy our homes, and in this initiating process - in making advances towards our lovers, we place defense which are filled with the very power of God.
Delight in this battle, for certainly is it a battle we were intended to delight in.
I do not feel like there are any Biblical initiatives which set the guidelines regarding the frequency or necessity of my goal setting - but certainly I will communicate that is it not wrong to do so.
Do not misunderstand. If you half heartedly show interest in initiating, then your husbands integrity and pride will be hurt. You DO NOT want to communicate that you are initiating out of responsibility or guilt. Though you may be thinking "he will just be glad we are having sex," you are sorely wrong. The quality and intent of love making is important to your husband just as it is to you - he just manifests his desires in different ways.
One particular benefit of this principle is that I find I must keep my heart right with the Lord in order to meet these goals. Certainly when I am tired or had a busy week my inclination is not offer my body to Lance, but I think of his love for me and position as the Church - I am filled with longing for him. At times this comes with moments of reflection, yet at other times - after extend meditation and study.
How beautiful the connection between my Spiritual and Physical? When do you find that you do not long for intimacy with God? Tired and busy. It seems in spiritual lovelessness, the very things that will heal our hearts are the same which we despise to do. We know we should sing to God - yet we do not long to. We know that it would refresh us to seek Godly counsel - yet we do not receive it. We know that we should spend time in prayer - yet desire is gone. --- It is NO DIFFERENT in the lovelessness of the marriage bed. The very things which we find we do not long for are the same which will restore our passion.
Passion is found in the doing - not in the waiting or longing.
There is no heat from a fire which we have not started, and similarly we can not expect desire to grow from a marriage bed which we do not kindle intentionally.
The enemy is seeking to destroy our homes, and in this initiating process - in making advances towards our lovers, we place defense which are filled with the very power of God.
Delight in this battle, for certainly is it a battle we were intended to delight in.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
2. Do you still go on dates?
Dates. Dates. Dates.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Questions answered
So, I told you I would answer the questions posed in a previous post "Methodical Love Making." I will anticipate that my answers will be much shorter and concise than desirable, but I hope that they present opportunity for a launching point in more conversation. Nothing stated here is final - just conclusions I have come to. I am more than happy to provide sources (as stated before) for foundations for any of the following answers, if someone so desires.
Largely these conclusions came from personal study, and lots of conversation with my husband. The latter is what I encourage more of. These are things that you and your husband need to talk about, to have discussions on. It would be wrong for you to make your own conclusions and for your final answer on to him - they should be arrived at mutually out of respect and patience. With that said - below are my all too short, yet honest answer. I will answer one question each week for the following weeks until we have covered them all.
1. Is there variety in your sex life?
"Variety is the spice of life." Someone said that right? I have to say the lost work seems to understand this very well. Today most of our culture revels in multiple partners (and even spouses), moving from one job to the next, and buying a new car or outfit like they were a piece of stale bread. Certainly as followers of Christ we understand that this is not the variety our hearts would benefit from, rather that type of variety destroys our souls and bodies. In that - we are limited too ( and gratefully so) a life of monogamy and faithfulness. In a time when we long to love the word, be faithful in money, and time - we have found that much of our time and resources are limited and allocated in specific none flexible ways. This is not so in love making. Or rather - it does not have to be so.
The bedroom of a believing husband and wife should be first in our minds when we think of freedom and variety. Raised by a generation of men and women who rarely, if ever, spoke of intimacy - we have found ourselves often falling into the same trap. It has the danger of leaving us with repetition and apathy, and certainly these are not two things I want my husband to associate with our bedroom. If I only made meals in our home that consisted of grain and water, certainly my husband would jump at the chance to have a meal at another's home - and at the very least - he would long for others lunches as they unpacked them at work, or day dream as he caught a glimpse of a billboard displaying a steak, pizza, or even a plain old burger. This because my husbands palette desires variety, and mine does as well. My deprive one another of what is good and desirable?
Taking time to evaluate and talk about what you might like in love is good. Do not be the women whose table only serves what is necessary to get by. Be a wife whose bedroom is full of things that make the mouth water, and stomach churn, and grows and appetite for seconds, thirds, and more. Though the literal table is capped with a call to moderation - gluttony and delight are the terms of our bedroom. May it always be so.
Largely these conclusions came from personal study, and lots of conversation with my husband. The latter is what I encourage more of. These are things that you and your husband need to talk about, to have discussions on. It would be wrong for you to make your own conclusions and for your final answer on to him - they should be arrived at mutually out of respect and patience. With that said - below are my all too short, yet honest answer. I will answer one question each week for the following weeks until we have covered them all.
1. Is there variety in your sex life?
"Variety is the spice of life." Someone said that right? I have to say the lost work seems to understand this very well. Today most of our culture revels in multiple partners (and even spouses), moving from one job to the next, and buying a new car or outfit like they were a piece of stale bread. Certainly as followers of Christ we understand that this is not the variety our hearts would benefit from, rather that type of variety destroys our souls and bodies. In that - we are limited too ( and gratefully so) a life of monogamy and faithfulness. In a time when we long to love the word, be faithful in money, and time - we have found that much of our time and resources are limited and allocated in specific none flexible ways. This is not so in love making. Or rather - it does not have to be so.
The bedroom of a believing husband and wife should be first in our minds when we think of freedom and variety. Raised by a generation of men and women who rarely, if ever, spoke of intimacy - we have found ourselves often falling into the same trap. It has the danger of leaving us with repetition and apathy, and certainly these are not two things I want my husband to associate with our bedroom. If I only made meals in our home that consisted of grain and water, certainly my husband would jump at the chance to have a meal at another's home - and at the very least - he would long for others lunches as they unpacked them at work, or day dream as he caught a glimpse of a billboard displaying a steak, pizza, or even a plain old burger. This because my husbands palette desires variety, and mine does as well. My deprive one another of what is good and desirable?
Taking time to evaluate and talk about what you might like in love is good. Do not be the women whose table only serves what is necessary to get by. Be a wife whose bedroom is full of things that make the mouth water, and stomach churn, and grows and appetite for seconds, thirds, and more. Though the literal table is capped with a call to moderation - gluttony and delight are the terms of our bedroom. May it always be so.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Suggested Topics
before I continue with this blog thing - this week is to gather information.
What are some topics you all would like to cover?
What are some topics you all would like to cover?
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Methodical Love Making
The last entry we talked about how Methods are good in forming habits that will transform the way we think and act. This next topic will be, nearly, the opposite. We are going to discuss the dangers of having a set pattern in love making.
I recently spent time with a couple who have horrible communication skills. They can interact with total strangers, speak in front of large groups with charisma, but when it comes to their own personal interaction - they seem at times to lack even a very basic consideration and affection for one another. As I observed them I could not help but think "i wonder what their sex life is like"? I thought of asking the woman, but it seems inappropriate to launch into such a personal topic during our brief encounter.
This question popped into my mind because I feel that love making is one of the most essential ingredients to a healthy marriage. I go as far as to say that, aside from a particular miraculous intervention by God, a marriage without frequent love making - will feel more like a burden than a pleasure for both husband and wife. This certainly seemed to be the case of the aforementioned couple - they interacted as though their partnership was a burden and labor.
Next week, I plan to write my thoughts on this subject. First though, I would love to know where you are all coming from. Certainly here is a topic that everyone seems to just hate. People grow embarrassed and angry when the subject is approached. Tell me it is personal and none of my business. Tell me that I need a hobby instead of prying into others lives. Tell me what you want - but bottom line... I want to see our marriages succeeded. I want to be friends with women who count their husbands a gift - not a burden or labor. I don't want to see you in a divorce. A step towards a love that we delight in and find easy - is rooted and founded in us having sex with our husbands. Certainly, I do not place this above our hearts being in full submission and devotion to God - but do not be mistaken - You can not say you are a godly wife if you are not having sex with your husband regularly.
I hope that if your feathers are ruffled you let me hear from you. I like a good fight every once in a while. You can even leave a fake name or no name if that will give you courage to ask questions or leave comments.
Here are somethings to get you started down the line of leaving comments.
What are your thoughts?
Please share the following (or some of the following) - at the very least, think about these things:
1. Is there variety in your sex life?
2. Do you still go on dates?
3. Do you initiate love making?
4. Does your husband know that you enjoy sex?
5. Do you enjoy sex?
6. Have you taken steps to learn more about making love making pleasurable for you both?
7. Have you discussed with your husband your needs in the bed room?
8. Have you communicated what you need in intimacy? what he needs?
9. Do you have intimate conversation?
10. Do you still make time just sit and kiss?
11. Do you dress to show him you have been thinking of sex?
12. Have you discussed sexual boundaries (how you feel about oral sex? anal sex? etc.)
These are only a few to get the ball rolling. I will comment on all these next week. Also - If you have more questions, write them down - I'm going to comment on them all and give as many Biblical resources as I can to back up my comments.
The comment lines have been cold. I guess this week we will see if anyone is actually reading.
Peace out. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.
I recently spent time with a couple who have horrible communication skills. They can interact with total strangers, speak in front of large groups with charisma, but when it comes to their own personal interaction - they seem at times to lack even a very basic consideration and affection for one another. As I observed them I could not help but think "i wonder what their sex life is like"? I thought of asking the woman, but it seems inappropriate to launch into such a personal topic during our brief encounter.
This question popped into my mind because I feel that love making is one of the most essential ingredients to a healthy marriage. I go as far as to say that, aside from a particular miraculous intervention by God, a marriage without frequent love making - will feel more like a burden than a pleasure for both husband and wife. This certainly seemed to be the case of the aforementioned couple - they interacted as though their partnership was a burden and labor.
Next week, I plan to write my thoughts on this subject. First though, I would love to know where you are all coming from. Certainly here is a topic that everyone seems to just hate. People grow embarrassed and angry when the subject is approached. Tell me it is personal and none of my business. Tell me that I need a hobby instead of prying into others lives. Tell me what you want - but bottom line... I want to see our marriages succeeded. I want to be friends with women who count their husbands a gift - not a burden or labor. I don't want to see you in a divorce. A step towards a love that we delight in and find easy - is rooted and founded in us having sex with our husbands. Certainly, I do not place this above our hearts being in full submission and devotion to God - but do not be mistaken - You can not say you are a godly wife if you are not having sex with your husband regularly.
I hope that if your feathers are ruffled you let me hear from you. I like a good fight every once in a while. You can even leave a fake name or no name if that will give you courage to ask questions or leave comments.
Here are somethings to get you started down the line of leaving comments.
What are your thoughts?
Please share the following (or some of the following) - at the very least, think about these things:
1. Is there variety in your sex life?
2. Do you still go on dates?
3. Do you initiate love making?
4. Does your husband know that you enjoy sex?
5. Do you enjoy sex?
6. Have you taken steps to learn more about making love making pleasurable for you both?
7. Have you discussed with your husband your needs in the bed room?
8. Have you communicated what you need in intimacy? what he needs?
9. Do you have intimate conversation?
10. Do you still make time just sit and kiss?
11. Do you dress to show him you have been thinking of sex?
12. Have you discussed sexual boundaries (how you feel about oral sex? anal sex? etc.)
These are only a few to get the ball rolling. I will comment on all these next week. Also - If you have more questions, write them down - I'm going to comment on them all and give as many Biblical resources as I can to back up my comments.
The comment lines have been cold. I guess this week we will see if anyone is actually reading.
Peace out. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Methodists
As I have processed things in the past week, and prayed for my own marriage and the marriages of our friends (you guys) - I have been reminded again of the importance of the last entries truths.
Oh, how easy it is to forget that we are not in control. We might saying it in conversations, but the depth of the truth of our reliance on God's mercy has never really penetrated most of our hearts. We believe that when things are hard they are from our own mishaps or even that we have not done all that we should have. We pity ourselves marriage has not been it is was cracked up to be - we were told it would be easy the first year, then after that very hard (or the opposite - hard the first year, then easier after that). We thought we read all the right books, went to premarital counseling, and even completed surveys about communication styles and expectations. Yet here we are in the midst of a marriage that feels much more like an arrangement. There is no passion, or ease - everything comes along with effort and promises to ourselves. We say, "I can do this one more week." Then as each week passes our promise is renewed.
Perhaps, you are in a season of marriage that is just plain GOOD. Things happen easily, and in love making and friendship you both are on the same page, at least - the same book. Even in this, there are places in the corners of our hearts we still must remain intentional in offering over our proud attitudes and self-absorbed agendas. God alone is the giver of good things, and He only should be trusted and thanked for them. Certainly, I do not mean stop praising your husband (do not stop that if it is done with a genuine attitude) rather I only mean to take measures often to remind yourself that your husband is only a vessel to bless you through. God is the giver.
Under the preface of those reminders, I will start with my thoughts on personal efforts in maintaining and pursuing a healthy and good marriage. I title this entry "Methodists" because Lance calls me a Methodist. Not that I line up with the doctrine of Methodist teachings, but rather - that I tend to lean in the general direction of loving methods as a means to accomplish things. I approach this attitude with caution, because I do not want to present the false picture of trusting methods. Trusting methods and employing methods are NOT THE SAME THING. Rather, I do say, that in the posture of begging for mercy - we should not become idle - saying "Certainly, if grace abounds we can keep on doing what we always do? Right?" and I answer with the Apostle "MAY IT NEVER BE!"
I lay out these methods (or exercises, or whatever you want to call them) as a very elementary approach to disciplining our hearts and minds in such a way that we begin to actively take part in this renewal that God has promised to those who belong to Him! Oh! What good news! Let us not lean on our methods, but God's promises as we become practicers of good wivery (being a good wife).
With all that said, I also would remind "Don't be a lazy bum, who just sits around an pouts." (I know you all love the compassion in my voice. :) )
Methods to try:
1) Note Card with One Verse -
This method has been great for me. It is particularly helpful when you regularly fight bad thoughts towards your husband or yourself (or children). When a ungodly thought enters your mind, immediately pull out your card and review the verse in your mind (say it out loud if you need to) until your mind is clear. I recommend choosing a verse that has a big "T" truth in it, meaning a Truth that stands forever. The Psalms are a great place to look for verses like these.
2) Reflection -
Maybe your only alone quite time is when you go to the bathroom - then be intentional about closing your eyes for a few seconds, think on the attitude you have expressed towards your husband today - and what you want to communicate to him (through your attitude) as he is around for the rest of the day. Thinks of particular things you may need to ask forgiveness for. Think on who you really are - your true feels for him, and ask yourself if these these have been accurately conveyed to him through your words and actions.
3) Meditation -
This is very similar to Method 1, yet it should be done in particular times you have set aside. It does not have to be a long period of time - 2 or 3 minutes if that's all you have. Take passages that are written particularly about godly women. Meditate on their characteristics. Think on what it means to be a follower of God. What does it mean to love your neighbor? What does it mean to wear modest apparel? What does is mean to respect, submit to, and follow your husband as to the Church?
4) Songs -
Fill your mind and heart with songs of promise and good attitudes. This is particularly helpful if you claim to have no time to do the earlier mentioned methods. Be intentional about listening to music that edifies you and your home. You might even mention to your husband that you would like to sing together once a week ( or read a hymn together once a week). You will be surprised how many traditional hymns have great theology. This will work to transform our hearts.
That is just a few to start. I am very curious if any of you did practice the few minutes of Mercy, I encouraged you to last week. Please do leave comments on that. Do you feel like this practice is a waist? Unbiblical? Silly?
I love you ladies. I do pray for your marriages each week before I write. I pray our hearts continue to be changed. I love you all.
Oh, how easy it is to forget that we are not in control. We might saying it in conversations, but the depth of the truth of our reliance on God's mercy has never really penetrated most of our hearts. We believe that when things are hard they are from our own mishaps or even that we have not done all that we should have. We pity ourselves marriage has not been it is was cracked up to be - we were told it would be easy the first year, then after that very hard (or the opposite - hard the first year, then easier after that). We thought we read all the right books, went to premarital counseling, and even completed surveys about communication styles and expectations. Yet here we are in the midst of a marriage that feels much more like an arrangement. There is no passion, or ease - everything comes along with effort and promises to ourselves. We say, "I can do this one more week." Then as each week passes our promise is renewed.
Perhaps, you are in a season of marriage that is just plain GOOD. Things happen easily, and in love making and friendship you both are on the same page, at least - the same book. Even in this, there are places in the corners of our hearts we still must remain intentional in offering over our proud attitudes and self-absorbed agendas. God alone is the giver of good things, and He only should be trusted and thanked for them. Certainly, I do not mean stop praising your husband (do not stop that if it is done with a genuine attitude) rather I only mean to take measures often to remind yourself that your husband is only a vessel to bless you through. God is the giver.
Under the preface of those reminders, I will start with my thoughts on personal efforts in maintaining and pursuing a healthy and good marriage. I title this entry "Methodists" because Lance calls me a Methodist. Not that I line up with the doctrine of Methodist teachings, but rather - that I tend to lean in the general direction of loving methods as a means to accomplish things. I approach this attitude with caution, because I do not want to present the false picture of trusting methods. Trusting methods and employing methods are NOT THE SAME THING. Rather, I do say, that in the posture of begging for mercy - we should not become idle - saying "Certainly, if grace abounds we can keep on doing what we always do? Right?" and I answer with the Apostle "MAY IT NEVER BE!"
I lay out these methods (or exercises, or whatever you want to call them) as a very elementary approach to disciplining our hearts and minds in such a way that we begin to actively take part in this renewal that God has promised to those who belong to Him! Oh! What good news! Let us not lean on our methods, but God's promises as we become practicers of good wivery (being a good wife).
With all that said, I also would remind "Don't be a lazy bum, who just sits around an pouts." (I know you all love the compassion in my voice. :) )
Methods to try:
1) Note Card with One Verse -
This method has been great for me. It is particularly helpful when you regularly fight bad thoughts towards your husband or yourself (or children). When a ungodly thought enters your mind, immediately pull out your card and review the verse in your mind (say it out loud if you need to) until your mind is clear. I recommend choosing a verse that has a big "T" truth in it, meaning a Truth that stands forever. The Psalms are a great place to look for verses like these.
2) Reflection -
Maybe your only alone quite time is when you go to the bathroom - then be intentional about closing your eyes for a few seconds, think on the attitude you have expressed towards your husband today - and what you want to communicate to him (through your attitude) as he is around for the rest of the day. Thinks of particular things you may need to ask forgiveness for. Think on who you really are - your true feels for him, and ask yourself if these these have been accurately conveyed to him through your words and actions.
3) Meditation -
This is very similar to Method 1, yet it should be done in particular times you have set aside. It does not have to be a long period of time - 2 or 3 minutes if that's all you have. Take passages that are written particularly about godly women. Meditate on their characteristics. Think on what it means to be a follower of God. What does it mean to love your neighbor? What does it mean to wear modest apparel? What does is mean to respect, submit to, and follow your husband as to the Church?
4) Songs -
Fill your mind and heart with songs of promise and good attitudes. This is particularly helpful if you claim to have no time to do the earlier mentioned methods. Be intentional about listening to music that edifies you and your home. You might even mention to your husband that you would like to sing together once a week ( or read a hymn together once a week). You will be surprised how many traditional hymns have great theology. This will work to transform our hearts.
That is just a few to start. I am very curious if any of you did practice the few minutes of Mercy, I encouraged you to last week. Please do leave comments on that. Do you feel like this practice is a waist? Unbiblical? Silly?
I love you ladies. I do pray for your marriages each week before I write. I pray our hearts continue to be changed. I love you all.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Will Power
Grateful that I am not the True Teacher. As I lay in bed last night responding with disrespect and frustration, I realized that I was falling into the cycle. I was playing all my best cards to make sure that the conversation ended exactly as I wanted it to, and if necessary I would play my trump card. “I had wanted to make love, but now…” And then I realized the schemes of my old man rearing their head and I grew quickly disgusted with myself – and by God’s grace, I confessed my attitude and asked for forgiveness. And – no, that was not enough – I also followed through with my earlier promises of love making. An apology does not quite take root in my husband’s heart if it is still coupled with a cold shoulder in bed, and that is understandable seeing that he is not a fool.
And now, as I write, I think of the conversations from the past week. Erin and Courtney shared how they also struggle at times with getting out of the cycle. How easy it is to find yourself there, learning how to use it to your advantage. Ironic isn’t it? Because in reality the cycle will not work to your advantage, it will only lead to destruction.
I told you this week that we would talk about getting out of the cycle. We will break this into two different conversations. One this week: Will Power, another next week: Methodists. The “Methodists” lesson will go over practical ways we can work to get out, but more necessary is the conversation on “Will Power.”
One of the books I’m currently reading, A Long Obedience In The Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson, has really peaking my interest in regards to the ideas of obedience in faith. Eugene quotes many other authors as he writes, and I have tweaked a quote to start the conversation for this week.
“I reign supreme, with certain forces (time, money, energy) as my only possible adversaries. I am alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned or entirely mean. If anything is going to change it has to be by my own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. I can fix it if I work hard enough.”
You will likely have one of two responses as you read this. (A) Disgust and frustration, not understanding how someone could think like that. (B) Realize in a hint of shame much of your good intentions are rooted in this type of thinking. Perhaps not so much the “I reign supreme” but much of that which follows.
(A) Type of thinking – I imagine that women who have immediate disgust and frustration over this quote are either – #1 Very vain and do not realize their need for grace and mercy – or #2 Are sitting in the midst of abundant grace and mercy and are fully aware they had nothing to do with getting there.
(B) Type of thinking – is rooted also in the same #1 “vain” company. We ( I say “we” because I include myself in this) find ourselves reading this quote and see that much of our marriage fixing efforts are just that – efforts. We have convinced ourselves that if we only try harder, read more books, talk to more godly women, memorize more scripture – then we can really love our husbands well and everything will just fall into place. When things do work, we pat ourselves on the back and make sure we put a big star by that tactic, to be sure to use it again later. Consequently when something goes wrong (we find out your husband has been unfaithful, the “spark” isn’t there, we just don’t enjoy each other how we used to) then we blame ourselves. We think “If I had only….” And we are left often with hopelessness and blame.
Herein lies the topic for this week. Which woman will you be? It is probably no secret or surprise that I have never met a woman happy in marriage who falls into group A1 or B. I have met plenty of them who pretend around other people that things are good and easy, but then when they call or we speak in honesty, they confess to growing tired of working so hard, always sacrificing and never seeing any real results. You see, a group B woman likes to quantify progress and happiness – she needs to be able to traces back her actions and see how she made it happen. She wants to know how to fix it. How to keep it from breaking again; How to increase her sex drive?; How to make him look at her the way he used to?; How to make quality time easy and fun?; How to _________? Though they sound like headlines for Cosmo, they really are the questions that run through our hearts, as we believe the lies that say: “You are alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned with your and your marriage. If anything is going to change it has to be by your own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. You can fix it if you work hard enough.” Have you not felt this way before?
Now we pray and hope to be come more like the women of A2. We have gone to church with them, or school, or work. They are neither obnoxious in their gratitude nor negligent in their thanksgiving. These women are women who we long to be like, and their common characteristic is awareness of mercy.
Though there are many things I hope you will comment on this week, among them is this particular question or rather – a challenge.
In an act of faith, commit to spend 5 minutes each day this week and ask of God one thing – Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy, Lord?
Don’t try to fill up the 5 minutes praying for everyone you know. Don’t be afraid of the quiet. Just ask of Him this one thing. Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy You have shown me?
Come back. Let’s tell each other of this mercy. This simple practice, I believe will change our hearts. Certainly, as I have practiced it in the past year – God has grown a deeper understanding that no good thing is rooted in Will Power - but rather, His mercy.
And now, as I write, I think of the conversations from the past week. Erin and Courtney shared how they also struggle at times with getting out of the cycle. How easy it is to find yourself there, learning how to use it to your advantage. Ironic isn’t it? Because in reality the cycle will not work to your advantage, it will only lead to destruction.
I told you this week that we would talk about getting out of the cycle. We will break this into two different conversations. One this week: Will Power, another next week: Methodists. The “Methodists” lesson will go over practical ways we can work to get out, but more necessary is the conversation on “Will Power.”
One of the books I’m currently reading, A Long Obedience In The Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson, has really peaking my interest in regards to the ideas of obedience in faith. Eugene quotes many other authors as he writes, and I have tweaked a quote to start the conversation for this week.
“I reign supreme, with certain forces (time, money, energy) as my only possible adversaries. I am alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned or entirely mean. If anything is going to change it has to be by my own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. I can fix it if I work hard enough.”
You will likely have one of two responses as you read this. (A) Disgust and frustration, not understanding how someone could think like that. (B) Realize in a hint of shame much of your good intentions are rooted in this type of thinking. Perhaps not so much the “I reign supreme” but much of that which follows.
(A) Type of thinking – I imagine that women who have immediate disgust and frustration over this quote are either – #1 Very vain and do not realize their need for grace and mercy – or #2 Are sitting in the midst of abundant grace and mercy and are fully aware they had nothing to do with getting there.
(B) Type of thinking – is rooted also in the same #1 “vain” company. We ( I say “we” because I include myself in this) find ourselves reading this quote and see that much of our marriage fixing efforts are just that – efforts. We have convinced ourselves that if we only try harder, read more books, talk to more godly women, memorize more scripture – then we can really love our husbands well and everything will just fall into place. When things do work, we pat ourselves on the back and make sure we put a big star by that tactic, to be sure to use it again later. Consequently when something goes wrong (we find out your husband has been unfaithful, the “spark” isn’t there, we just don’t enjoy each other how we used to) then we blame ourselves. We think “If I had only….” And we are left often with hopelessness and blame.
Herein lies the topic for this week. Which woman will you be? It is probably no secret or surprise that I have never met a woman happy in marriage who falls into group A1 or B. I have met plenty of them who pretend around other people that things are good and easy, but then when they call or we speak in honesty, they confess to growing tired of working so hard, always sacrificing and never seeing any real results. You see, a group B woman likes to quantify progress and happiness – she needs to be able to traces back her actions and see how she made it happen. She wants to know how to fix it. How to keep it from breaking again; How to increase her sex drive?; How to make him look at her the way he used to?; How to make quality time easy and fun?; How to _________? Though they sound like headlines for Cosmo, they really are the questions that run through our hearts, as we believe the lies that say: “You are alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned with your and your marriage. If anything is going to change it has to be by your own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. You can fix it if you work hard enough.” Have you not felt this way before?
Now we pray and hope to be come more like the women of A2. We have gone to church with them, or school, or work. They are neither obnoxious in their gratitude nor negligent in their thanksgiving. These women are women who we long to be like, and their common characteristic is awareness of mercy.
Though there are many things I hope you will comment on this week, among them is this particular question or rather – a challenge.
In an act of faith, commit to spend 5 minutes each day this week and ask of God one thing – Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy, Lord?
Don’t try to fill up the 5 minutes praying for everyone you know. Don’t be afraid of the quiet. Just ask of Him this one thing. Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy You have shown me?
Come back. Let’s tell each other of this mercy. This simple practice, I believe will change our hearts. Certainly, as I have practiced it in the past year – God has grown a deeper understanding that no good thing is rooted in Will Power - but rather, His mercy.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Vicious Cycle
My logic in love is very distorted in Lance's eyes (as it should be, because I'm pretty much distorted). You see, I think that I can be a good psychologist and use negative reinforcement and drive him away from bad habits (meaning, things I don't like). He doesn't put up his clothes, I complain. He forgets to clear the table, I say I can't come play because I have extra work to do now. He comes home from work late and doesn't call to let me know, I remain distant from the afternoon until finally telling him I'm upset, just in time to ruin the entire evening. I think to myself "surely this will drive the point home." Right? My subtle attitude change or demeanor will let him know something is wrong, or must change. Right? Perhaps it will work for a time, it might elicit a response that pleases us on occasion. Yet in regard to a long term behavior change, or an opening of communication for desires and expectations - this is not going to work long term. In fact it will drive our husbands away. This type of conditioning might work for the women in our lives - but for our husbands it will not. And praise God for that. This behavior is meant to manipulate, not communicate.
The way marriage was designed to work, is very contrary to how science tells us it should. The world says, "if they are not showing love- then withhold something from them, until you get what you want." The world says, "if she is not respecting you as a husband, then be harsh and more stern- demand that respect.” And perhaps we are nodding our heads in agreement (or shame). Reality is – these methods will not build a marriage where we both are happy. These methods will not build a marriage we enjoy and long to be in.
God designed marriage to be contrary to the world’s logic, so that it would be set apart as a phenomenon in society - a phenomenon that points to Christ, Him crucified, and resurrected. This design proves true and right in practice, yet in logic seems impossible. This design says, to love when you do not feel respected – to give respect when you do not feel loved.
I have heard it explained as “the love and respect connection.” Dr. Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, explains, “No husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being. Ironically, the deepest need of the wife – to feel loved – is undermined by her disrespect.” You see – we feel no love, so we respond with disrespect. In turn, our husband feels disrespected – and responds unlovingly. When I read this for the first time I said – “That is so it!” Partly in frustration and partly in celebration, I started to be able to recall times when I could say this certainly was true.
You can probably think of couples you see this cycle in. It’s devastating for a marriage when they fall into this pattern.
Next week we will talk about how to change this pattern, but first we need to be able to recognize our part in this cycle.
Two questions. One to consider as you are spending time with your husband, interacting with him. One to meditation on as you are away.
(With your husband)
1. Am I communicating to him that he is respected? (through tone of voice, mannerisms, frequency of love making, how I talk about him when he is around, considering his input and opinions, etc)
(when you are away from your husband)
2. Am I respecting him in my thoughts? (Do I blame him for things? Do think little of his work? Do I speak poorly about him to my friends or company? Do I take time to plan ahead for sex? Do I take time to meditate on the things I love about him, the things that first drew me to him?)
This week come back and share your thought and answers on these questions. As always, you are welcome to leave them anonymously.
Do not be discouraged. We are going to talk about changing these patterns, and beginning to live a life that gives respect – and we will be amazed at the love that begins to flow from our husbands.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Open Conversation
It has been my experience, albeit very limited experience, that marriage can be the most delightful and natural experience for one person - yet, to another, the most effort full and condemning. Recent conversations with several couples have motivated me in several aspects. One being contemplation and thanksgiving. Another prayer and meditation. And still another - consultation.
This blog is the manifestation of the later. Many of you have probably, on some occasion, heard me say that things kept in darkness only grown to become strong, rather than dying away in their hidden places. Each of you have experienced this in some part of life. Perhaps you looked in the mirror once and thought you needed to lose some weight, and rather than express it to a friend (who would have quickly rectified your misjudgement) you let it linger, the thoughts increased and soon you skipped a meal or launched into an unhealthy workout pattern. OR if not that - then you harbored thoughts of frustration towards a friend, you grew more bitter and soon you found yourselves arguing over things that were not really important. If you had only exposed those thoughts early - it would have killed it there, in the light.
Certainly things are no different in marriage. If anything, these truths are only amplified. I have found that I am quick to let a small incident escalate into something that drives us apart for days. Foolishness.
So - in the spirit of avoiding foolishness, which I assume everyone is on board with, and in the spirit of improving marriage and life (I assume again) - let's talk.
I have a few things in mind, I will move forward with those. I do want you to offer suggestions this week - leave a comment, let me know what you would like to see discussed here, what you would like to see other women's thoughts on. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a message (leave it anonymously) or send me an email.
At the very least, tell me if you think this is worth while - do you think you would read it once a week? Please let me know.
your friend and amateur wife,
danielle
This blog is the manifestation of the later. Many of you have probably, on some occasion, heard me say that things kept in darkness only grown to become strong, rather than dying away in their hidden places. Each of you have experienced this in some part of life. Perhaps you looked in the mirror once and thought you needed to lose some weight, and rather than express it to a friend (who would have quickly rectified your misjudgement) you let it linger, the thoughts increased and soon you skipped a meal or launched into an unhealthy workout pattern. OR if not that - then you harbored thoughts of frustration towards a friend, you grew more bitter and soon you found yourselves arguing over things that were not really important. If you had only exposed those thoughts early - it would have killed it there, in the light.
Certainly things are no different in marriage. If anything, these truths are only amplified. I have found that I am quick to let a small incident escalate into something that drives us apart for days. Foolishness.
So - in the spirit of avoiding foolishness, which I assume everyone is on board with, and in the spirit of improving marriage and life (I assume again) - let's talk.
I have a few things in mind, I will move forward with those. I do want you to offer suggestions this week - leave a comment, let me know what you would like to see discussed here, what you would like to see other women's thoughts on. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a message (leave it anonymously) or send me an email.
At the very least, tell me if you think this is worth while - do you think you would read it once a week? Please let me know.
your friend and amateur wife,
danielle
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