Like the Unbelieving

Newsweek contributor Lisa Miller, writes in the "Belief Watch" section - and her recent article was titled "What’s God Got to Do With It?:Her relationship advice is retrograde dross. Submit to your man, or at least pretend, and then do what you want."

The "her" in mentioned in the quote is Victoria Osteen, the wife of teacher Joel Osteen. Lisa is referring to Victoria's new book "Love Your Life." If you would like to read Lisa's article - go here.

One quote in Lisa's article jumped out at me as I read. While referring to the ministry of the two she states, "the theology driving all this success is thin." In other places, there are observations of self-seeking methods and attitudes that the Osteen teaching is latent with, even right down to tricking her kids with donuts to get them to go to church. And then we come back to the title of Lisa's article "What's God Got to Do With It?"

Though you may not see immediately what you and Mrs. Osteen have in common, I fear to point out that we all are more like her than we would want to be. Though I have not spent time in her home, or have never gone out to coffee with her - I have to observe, if Lisa Miller represents her honestly, that Mrs. Osteen looks far too much like the rest of the world. She her attitudes and ideas reflect much of the same methods that the lost of the world hold. She is looks just like the sick, bodies and hearts heavy with the burden of sin - objects of God's wrath. Like the unbelieving.

Here we find ourselves. I pray that we are not altogether without hope. Most of you who read this blog profess to believe that Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Yet I wonder if in our homes we look much like the unbelieving of the world.

We are just trying to get through each week. Not missing calendar dates. Packing lunches. Forgetting to return phone calls. Short tempered with our husband and children. Thinking mostly of our lists. Giving little thought to the needy and poor, and lost. Exhausted as we go to bed. Exhausted still as we wake in the morning. We just get through the day.

Does your day look any different than your unbelieving friends? I pray it does.

Challenge yourself to spend sometime asking God what He might have you do this week in order to set yourself and your family apart for His glory. I am confident it will also be for your good.

Divisive Devices

I subscribe to a blog by Vicki Courtney (Virtue Alert) she does social commentary that is particularly directed towards the media and how it effects/portrays our youth. Often I find myself in agreement with her observations, but when we disagree - we REALLY disagree. A recent post of hers caught my attention though. I thought it was more than appropriate for our discussion.

Recently a study by StudyLogic was done of 6,500 traveling executives on behalf of Sheraton Hotels. The statics quoted in an article by New York CBS left me - to say the least, angry. The article was referring to the study which surveyed these executives and asked questions regarding their prized possession - their Blackberry PDA. The particular statistic that struck me "says 35 percent of them would choose their PDA over their spouse." I tried to find the actual study online, but couldn't - if you know where I could get this - that would be awesome.

But, we don't need all the statistics to have some good conversation.

So - If it came down to it, when asked - 35% of executives surveyed would say they would choose their Blackberry over their spouse. It's either your wife/husband or the Blackberry! They would answer, "The Blackberry."

When I visit homes of family members and friends I often find this same evil lurking. Not necessarily Blackberrys, but the other devices that are dividing homes and families. Some that I could easily rattle off: computer, telephones, ipods, televisions, xboxs, playstations, video games, you name it.

Picture this:
You come home. You flip on the television. You check your email. You send a text message. You listen to music. You eat. Then you do more of the same. With little to no conversation or interaction with your mate.

Sadly, this is not uncommon. Lance and I have to work hard at making sure that the computer does not come between us. Lance, particularly, is a tech junkie. He could sit and read about technology all day. I love people. I could be on facebook or emailing for hours. But - we have to make intentional decisions regarding how to spend our time.

What do you think? Are there any devices that are divisive in your home? How is it hard to deal with? Can you see it impact your time with your husband? What can we do?

Respect: Language (cont)

Empowering

Are you having trouble connecting with your husband? Does he not really seem like your friend any more? More of just a roommate? Passing through the same space each day, but no real connecting?

Here is a language topic that has particularly been on my mind lately. Having a husband in a line of work that demands he give respect to others regularly (even, dare I say it, others who don't necessarily deserve respect) - I have found that as he comes home, he is often in need. Not even in need of sex or physical intimacy - but just a wife that will treat and remind him that he is important. Not only does he need to know he is important but he needs to know why he is important. I know I have said this many times before, but when it comes to compliments BE SPECIFIC!

If you find yourself struggling to come up with a list of things to praise him for - you probably are not thinking of him regularly enough through out the day. I thought I could throw out some of these compliments to get the juices flowing.

I will even bold the part of the sentence where you can add your SPECIFIC compliment for your husband: (These are all notes I have left on lance's vespa at work, nothing like a surprise compliment!)

Among all the men that have ever been and ever will be, you are the one I respect, love, and long for. Make love to me tonight.

As I was washing dishes today, I thought to myself - even if I had a lifetime full of washing dishes by hand - if it meant I could be yours, I would readily choose it.

Though you don't always trust your decision making, I am confident in you. I will follow you anywhere, with joy in my heart, simply because it is you.

Last night laying in bed, talking about our dreams of the future, reminded me that I am promised to a man who believes I am capable of greatness. You have no idea what that means to me.

Even though you are surrounded by men who love the world and it's treasures, you continue to be set apart and long for eternal things. Know that it has not gone unnoticed. You make me want to be Home.


Just a few ideas. Don't trick yourselves into thinking that your husbands don't care about your opinion of them. They do! Try to make it a point to say one empowering thing to your husband each day in the next week - come back and say whether you can see a change! Your compliments don't have to be as wordy as mine - I'm a dork. I know it. It can be something as simple as: "Thank you for working so hard to take care of our family." or "You took out the trash and I didn't even have to ask you. That means a lot to me!"

Praying for your marriages friends.

Jumping Through Hoops

My husband came across this image on a sight which combines humor with science and philosophy. He is a nerd. Anyway - as soon as he called me over to see the picture I could see where this was going.



We laughed together then he asked " I wonder how many of the women you are friends with make their husbands perform trick after trick in order to have a little intimacy?"

What a wonderful question! I hope this image makes you ask yourself if you are being unreasonable in your expectations for your husband when it comes to time in bed. Are you expecting him to do some unimaginable series of tricks in order to have sex? or even treating him like he doesn't have a right to your body, but rather he has to earn it?

Don't forget: Your body is his. His body is yours.

He shouldn't have to solve a Rubik's cube in order to make love.

Respect: Language (cont)

What We Say


Do you remember the scene in "You've Got Mail" when Meg Ryan says that she wishes she could say exactly what she wanted to say when she needed to say it? Then Tom Hanks replies that he is the guy who can articulate well, quickly, and often - with regret. Which category do you fall into?

I am certainly the later, at least - most often. I find myself able to find the near perfect words to convey love, disappointment, frustration, motivation - whatever might be desired at the moment. Unfortunately Lance.

I all too often forget the power that my words have. As I think of King David, I often wonder if he ever wished to retract some retort or banter. Certainly, from the Psalms we are able to see that he was a Wordsmith. Someone who crafted and wove together some of the most beautiful and painful strings of words ever uttered. When used skillfully they leave us encouraged and wooing over our King. What then, if these same skills were used to communicate pain and frustration to those around him? Just as David brings us to the throne in adoration, so also can his articulation bring us to a sickly look at ourselves and our ineptitude.

When it comes to communicating with our husbands, we to hold power which can edify them or begin to tear them down.

When do you find yourself speaking negatively towards your husband? It can be true or untrue statements about him, but still negative. Let's cover different aspects of life in which you can be intentional about developing a language that draws your husband to the throne of God rather than reminding him of who he used to be. Your husband is a co-heir with Christ Jesus, let's learn to speak to him as such.

New Approach

I have decided to take a new approach to the blog. I will do my best to keep my posts a little more concise and perhaps work out a topic over the course of a month, rather than pack it all into one entry. Hopefully this will give everyone more opportunity to process what we talk about and also to ask more specific questions.

The goal will be every Thursday.

Adding the new baby to the mix will also make for some interesting conversations regarding what intimacy and communication look like in the midst of a new member of the family.

Back In the Swing

Just a notice that I will soon be writing weekly again. Please feel free to email any topics you would like us to talk about.


daniellelaur@gmail.com

also, please pass on this to your friends. The more people we have involved in the discussion - the better!

Just Subscribe to the Post and you (or they) will get regular updates automatically.

Talk to you next week!

Respect: Language

I am heading to SC this weekend with Lance. We have a baby shower. Wow. We are having a baby.

Anyway, I will be away for a while. We are moving in just 2 weeks to Oklahoma. This may be the last post for a while. I did want to end on a significant note. A note which I could do well to dwell on. Respecting our husbands.

I plan on doing this talk of "respect" in several parts. The first to be covered here is "Language"

I urge you to sit down and take a serious look at this post, as I am certain we all can stand to reevaluate how we speak with our husbands. I could make this an entire book, I believe. The topic of how we communicate through our spoken language is a big topic, which could not possibly be covered throughly in such a sort address. Yet, i do believe that to leave it untouched would be foolish. The way we speak to our husbands is directly related to our love making, so I don't really feel like i am steering off topic too much. Chances are, if there is tension in the bedroom - then you also have tension in everyday communication.

In an effort to keep this readable and short enough for profitability, I will do 6 things to NOT DO and 6 things TO DO.

From the list, we can have conversation and talk about why these things are hard to DO/AVOID.

DO NOT:

1. DO NOT Be vague.
Example: You ask him to take out the trash, "when he gets the chance." Then get upset when it's not done by a particular time you had in mind (i.e. friends coming over for dinner). If you want the trash taken out before the guests arrive - SAY THAT. Do not expect him to know things you have not explicitly stated.

2. DO NOT Be sarcastic or patronize (to correct or rebuke).
Example: He is upset about something, and your respond with a sarcastic comment, which is meant to "give him some perspective." You are not respecting his position. If you think he is being unreasonable or unfair or unloving, say that. Do not use sarcasm as a way of correcting or rebuking. That is wrong. It is a result of laziness and fear.

3. DO NOT Yell (speak loudly) from another room.
Example: Even in normal conversation about anything (dinner, clothes, technology, or even a fight) be in the same room together. This may be inconvenient, and even impossible at times - but if you are effortful about walking into the room your spouse is in, in order to address him - you will be amazed at how this esteems him. If someone of nobility were in your home, you would not yell down the hall to address them. You go to them in order to have a conversation. Give your husband the same respect when possible.

4. DO NOT Speak poorly of him or to him in front of others.
Example: You have just had a heated conversation where you disagree or brought information to the surface. You walk into the home of friends you are meeting for dinner. This is not the time to bring up the recent conversation with your friends in order to find who they side with (unless your husband has explicitly stated it is okay to bring it up with them). Another example - you are speaking with your mother, (close friend) of a recent happening between yourself and your husband - this is 'no-no" unless your husband has said is okay with you discussing it.

5. DO NOT Let your body get an attitude.
Example: Your mouth is saying "your right, dear." but your eyes, arms, legs, and body are all saying "you are wrong!" This one is a BIG one! This is very disrespectful, and speaks very very loudly of your heart.

6. DO NOT Interrupt him.
Example: Let the man finish what he was saying. Don't jump in at the first moment you see an opening or loop hole. Let him finish. That might even mean waiting through a long pause. If you care about him, you will care about what he is trying to communicate to you. If you don't care what he is trying to communicate - you don't care about him.



And a review of the obvious DOs:

1. DO Be specific.
Give enough information to communicate clearly your expectations. If you want him to not only fold the clothes, but put them away. You don't say "can you fold the clothes while i'm gone?" - rather ask "can you fold the clothes and put them away for us while I'm gone?" It may sound simple, but wow - does it help!

2. DO be compassionate and honest (especially when correcting or rebuking).
Though sarcasm has it's place in teaching, it is not welcome in a correction or rebuke. When you are correcting your husband or addressing a sin issue, you must use compassion and gentleness in your honesty. Anything else sends mix messages, either that the issue is not really important or that you have no understanding towards him. Have you forgotten that you mess up a lot too?

3. DO make every effort to be face to face for conversations.
Walking into the next room in order to see him face to face should not be a chore. It should be a simple way for you to communicate that he deserved to be treated with respect, not called to like he is less important.

4. DO esteem him in front of others.
By no means am I saying that we should never talk about the hard things in marriage. On the contrary, I think we need to have more conversations about those hard things. But that is very different than speaking poorly of your husband. If you find yourself talking about him with frustration and bitterness, rather than some sort of sorrow over the disagreement - you need to check your heart. I am saying - to speak highly of him. When you have the opportunity to point out a way that he has provided for you and your family, or expressed love in a special way - you should take advantage of that. Esteem him. Don't be afraid to brag on him.

5. DO let your body be relaxed and open.
As you know our bodies have a lot of power in our marriage. Just as they can be used for good towards our husbands, they can also be used for evil. When you let your body get an attitude in conversation, it will cause him to close off and grow frustrated. And rightly so. Pay attention to what your body is saying, chances are - you are being a jerk if your body is closed off and tense. Check your motives. If you are having a hard conversation, try sitting close enough where you can touch his hand or shoulder. Make eye contact. This might relieve some of the tension.

6. DO let the man say what he needs to say.
Keep your mouth shut for a while. Chances are you can state your opinion later and the world will not come to an end in the meantime. Sometimes, addressing a problem immediately is not a good idea. Have you ever thought of having those hard conversations, after he has rested from his day? after a meal? Rather than jumping down his throat as soon as he walks in the door? or waiting until his friends leave, instead of exploding in another room where they can hear? When it comes time to have the conversation, state the issue, then let him say how he feels first. Can you put your opinion on hold to really hear him? If you can't keep your mind quite as he talks, you probably don't care about reconciliation - you just care about you getting your own way.



I'm exhausted now. I could feel the Holy Spirit all over me as I wrote these. I know I am guilty of every last one of these DO NOTs and need much grace to be a Do. I pray we can talk about these. Do you think I left out exceptions? have I been to methodological?

Questions 4 &5

Do you enjoy making love? and Does your husband know?


The time that has passed between the last entry and now has been extensive. Due to the baby growing in my womb, my schedule has been dictated by many extraneous factors. Now perhaps we can get back to our conversation.

These two questions "Do you enjoy sex? and Does your husband know?" are very sensitive. Though past topics have been prying and hard - these two seem to reach into our hearts and force us to do something that we loath - self evaluation. Oh! How the world would have us to only look around and evaluate others, failing to ever take a moment and pause to see ourselves in that dreadful mirror of reality. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. We find ourselves looking at this place, the bedroom, as a place of frustration and obligation rather than a place of refuge and delight.

We will handle these two questions, just as that - Two questions. First we will discuss question "Do you enjoy love making?"
I can feel the cringing happening across cyberspace as you read the words. Most women feel that if their answer is not a resounding "yes" that they are a bad wife. Let me put your mind at ease in this and say - you are not alone. Most women find it difficult to find freedom in love making. This does not mean you are a bad wife, it does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or are in sin. It does not mean, as some may assume, that God is punishing you for some past experience or decision. If you are indeed a follower of Christ, I am fully convinced that God wants you to enjoy and delight in love making with your partner - and not only does He want that for you, but will enable you to do so. It may simply take time. But as we learn together, perhaps this conversation will be use as a tool to open up the pleasures of sex to you in your marriage bed.

Keeping in mind that love making is not only vaginal intercourse. It ranges from conversation (verbal and nonverbal) to cuddling to intimate touch. Each couple will experience pleasure in different ways and to different extents - but they are ALL able to enjoy love making at some very satisfying level. Particular individuals love the "Leading." The "Leading" is all the love making that leads to more intimate touch and eventually vaginal intercourse. Granted - your husband is probably most vocal about his enjoyment of the latter, but you would be surprised at how he can also grow to cherish and love the Leading. Others get most aroused and excited by the "Caress." The Caress is the more intimate touch that is not yet sex. It is the building and awakening of sensation and awareness. I would say that the Leading could contain touch as well as conversation, but does not include touch of the most erogenous zones, while Caress does include those, particularly using your hands and mouth. Lastly, the final phase of love making could be called "Satisfaction." Because more often than not, if you walk away from your husband before this phase he will not experience the completion of his longing, and in many cases neither will you.

I write these phases to help give you a vocabulary when talking to your husband. Because, though you may dread it - we are approaching the next question "Does your husband know?"

You must answer this with honesty. First, what is your answer to "Do you enjoy love making?" Whether it be "no," "sometimes," or "yes" - you must tell him. Do NOT ASSUME that he can "pick up" on it - or that he should simply realize it. These are unfair expectations for you to have. It is wrong of you to think he can have knowledge of something that has not been clearly stated to him.

Next week, we will talk about how to have and initiate this conversation, so that it will be received and not seen as an attack. Spend time this week thinking on the phases of lovemaking:
- Leading
- Caress
- Satisfaction

Pay attention as you play this week, and take note of what means the most to you in intimacy. This information will improve, not only your enjoyment in sex - but also enable you with a tool for communicating with your husband regarding how he satisfies you and what other things you might enjoy.

Talk to me.