As I have processed things in the past week, and prayed for my own marriage and the marriages of our friends (you guys) - I have been reminded again of the importance of the last entries truths.
Oh, how easy it is to forget that we are not in control. We might saying it in conversations, but the depth of the truth of our reliance on God's mercy has never really penetrated most of our hearts. We believe that when things are hard they are from our own mishaps or even that we have not done all that we should have. We pity ourselves marriage has not been it is was cracked up to be - we were told it would be easy the first year, then after that very hard (or the opposite - hard the first year, then easier after that). We thought we read all the right books, went to premarital counseling, and even completed surveys about communication styles and expectations. Yet here we are in the midst of a marriage that feels much more like an arrangement. There is no passion, or ease - everything comes along with effort and promises to ourselves. We say, "I can do this one more week." Then as each week passes our promise is renewed.
Perhaps, you are in a season of marriage that is just plain GOOD. Things happen easily, and in love making and friendship you both are on the same page, at least - the same book. Even in this, there are places in the corners of our hearts we still must remain intentional in offering over our proud attitudes and self-absorbed agendas. God alone is the giver of good things, and He only should be trusted and thanked for them. Certainly, I do not mean stop praising your husband (do not stop that if it is done with a genuine attitude) rather I only mean to take measures often to remind yourself that your husband is only a vessel to bless you through. God is the giver.
Under the preface of those reminders, I will start with my thoughts on personal efforts in maintaining and pursuing a healthy and good marriage. I title this entry "Methodists" because Lance calls me a Methodist. Not that I line up with the doctrine of Methodist teachings, but rather - that I tend to lean in the general direction of loving methods as a means to accomplish things. I approach this attitude with caution, because I do not want to present the false picture of trusting methods. Trusting methods and employing methods are NOT THE SAME THING. Rather, I do say, that in the posture of begging for mercy - we should not become idle - saying "Certainly, if grace abounds we can keep on doing what we always do? Right?" and I answer with the Apostle "MAY IT NEVER BE!"
I lay out these methods (or exercises, or whatever you want to call them) as a very elementary approach to disciplining our hearts and minds in such a way that we begin to actively take part in this renewal that God has promised to those who belong to Him! Oh! What good news! Let us not lean on our methods, but God's promises as we become practicers of good wivery (being a good wife).
With all that said, I also would remind "Don't be a lazy bum, who just sits around an pouts." (I know you all love the compassion in my voice. :) )
Methods to try:
1) Note Card with One Verse -
This method has been great for me. It is particularly helpful when you regularly fight bad thoughts towards your husband or yourself (or children). When a ungodly thought enters your mind, immediately pull out your card and review the verse in your mind (say it out loud if you need to) until your mind is clear. I recommend choosing a verse that has a big "T" truth in it, meaning a Truth that stands forever. The Psalms are a great place to look for verses like these.
2) Reflection -
Maybe your only alone quite time is when you go to the bathroom - then be intentional about closing your eyes for a few seconds, think on the attitude you have expressed towards your husband today - and what you want to communicate to him (through your attitude) as he is around for the rest of the day. Thinks of particular things you may need to ask forgiveness for. Think on who you really are - your true feels for him, and ask yourself if these these have been accurately conveyed to him through your words and actions.
3) Meditation -
This is very similar to Method 1, yet it should be done in particular times you have set aside. It does not have to be a long period of time - 2 or 3 minutes if that's all you have. Take passages that are written particularly about godly women. Meditate on their characteristics. Think on what it means to be a follower of God. What does it mean to love your neighbor? What does it mean to wear modest apparel? What does is mean to respect, submit to, and follow your husband as to the Church?
4) Songs -
Fill your mind and heart with songs of promise and good attitudes. This is particularly helpful if you claim to have no time to do the earlier mentioned methods. Be intentional about listening to music that edifies you and your home. You might even mention to your husband that you would like to sing together once a week ( or read a hymn together once a week). You will be surprised how many traditional hymns have great theology. This will work to transform our hearts.
That is just a few to start. I am very curious if any of you did practice the few minutes of Mercy, I encouraged you to last week. Please do leave comments on that. Do you feel like this practice is a waist? Unbiblical? Silly?
I love you ladies. I do pray for your marriages each week before I write. I pray our hearts continue to be changed. I love you all.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Will Power
Grateful that I am not the True Teacher. As I lay in bed last night responding with disrespect and frustration, I realized that I was falling into the cycle. I was playing all my best cards to make sure that the conversation ended exactly as I wanted it to, and if necessary I would play my trump card. “I had wanted to make love, but now…” And then I realized the schemes of my old man rearing their head and I grew quickly disgusted with myself – and by God’s grace, I confessed my attitude and asked for forgiveness. And – no, that was not enough – I also followed through with my earlier promises of love making. An apology does not quite take root in my husband’s heart if it is still coupled with a cold shoulder in bed, and that is understandable seeing that he is not a fool.
And now, as I write, I think of the conversations from the past week. Erin and Courtney shared how they also struggle at times with getting out of the cycle. How easy it is to find yourself there, learning how to use it to your advantage. Ironic isn’t it? Because in reality the cycle will not work to your advantage, it will only lead to destruction.
I told you this week that we would talk about getting out of the cycle. We will break this into two different conversations. One this week: Will Power, another next week: Methodists. The “Methodists” lesson will go over practical ways we can work to get out, but more necessary is the conversation on “Will Power.”
One of the books I’m currently reading, A Long Obedience In The Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson, has really peaking my interest in regards to the ideas of obedience in faith. Eugene quotes many other authors as he writes, and I have tweaked a quote to start the conversation for this week.
“I reign supreme, with certain forces (time, money, energy) as my only possible adversaries. I am alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned or entirely mean. If anything is going to change it has to be by my own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. I can fix it if I work hard enough.”
You will likely have one of two responses as you read this. (A) Disgust and frustration, not understanding how someone could think like that. (B) Realize in a hint of shame much of your good intentions are rooted in this type of thinking. Perhaps not so much the “I reign supreme” but much of that which follows.
(A) Type of thinking – I imagine that women who have immediate disgust and frustration over this quote are either – #1 Very vain and do not realize their need for grace and mercy – or #2 Are sitting in the midst of abundant grace and mercy and are fully aware they had nothing to do with getting there.
(B) Type of thinking – is rooted also in the same #1 “vain” company. We ( I say “we” because I include myself in this) find ourselves reading this quote and see that much of our marriage fixing efforts are just that – efforts. We have convinced ourselves that if we only try harder, read more books, talk to more godly women, memorize more scripture – then we can really love our husbands well and everything will just fall into place. When things do work, we pat ourselves on the back and make sure we put a big star by that tactic, to be sure to use it again later. Consequently when something goes wrong (we find out your husband has been unfaithful, the “spark” isn’t there, we just don’t enjoy each other how we used to) then we blame ourselves. We think “If I had only….” And we are left often with hopelessness and blame.
Herein lies the topic for this week. Which woman will you be? It is probably no secret or surprise that I have never met a woman happy in marriage who falls into group A1 or B. I have met plenty of them who pretend around other people that things are good and easy, but then when they call or we speak in honesty, they confess to growing tired of working so hard, always sacrificing and never seeing any real results. You see, a group B woman likes to quantify progress and happiness – she needs to be able to traces back her actions and see how she made it happen. She wants to know how to fix it. How to keep it from breaking again; How to increase her sex drive?; How to make him look at her the way he used to?; How to make quality time easy and fun?; How to _________? Though they sound like headlines for Cosmo, they really are the questions that run through our hearts, as we believe the lies that say: “You are alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned with your and your marriage. If anything is going to change it has to be by your own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. You can fix it if you work hard enough.” Have you not felt this way before?
Now we pray and hope to be come more like the women of A2. We have gone to church with them, or school, or work. They are neither obnoxious in their gratitude nor negligent in their thanksgiving. These women are women who we long to be like, and their common characteristic is awareness of mercy.
Though there are many things I hope you will comment on this week, among them is this particular question or rather – a challenge.
In an act of faith, commit to spend 5 minutes each day this week and ask of God one thing – Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy, Lord?
Don’t try to fill up the 5 minutes praying for everyone you know. Don’t be afraid of the quiet. Just ask of Him this one thing. Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy You have shown me?
Come back. Let’s tell each other of this mercy. This simple practice, I believe will change our hearts. Certainly, as I have practiced it in the past year – God has grown a deeper understanding that no good thing is rooted in Will Power - but rather, His mercy.
And now, as I write, I think of the conversations from the past week. Erin and Courtney shared how they also struggle at times with getting out of the cycle. How easy it is to find yourself there, learning how to use it to your advantage. Ironic isn’t it? Because in reality the cycle will not work to your advantage, it will only lead to destruction.
I told you this week that we would talk about getting out of the cycle. We will break this into two different conversations. One this week: Will Power, another next week: Methodists. The “Methodists” lesson will go over practical ways we can work to get out, but more necessary is the conversation on “Will Power.”
One of the books I’m currently reading, A Long Obedience In The Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson, has really peaking my interest in regards to the ideas of obedience in faith. Eugene quotes many other authors as he writes, and I have tweaked a quote to start the conversation for this week.
“I reign supreme, with certain forces (time, money, energy) as my only possible adversaries. I am alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned or entirely mean. If anything is going to change it has to be by my own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. I can fix it if I work hard enough.”
You will likely have one of two responses as you read this. (A) Disgust and frustration, not understanding how someone could think like that. (B) Realize in a hint of shame much of your good intentions are rooted in this type of thinking. Perhaps not so much the “I reign supreme” but much of that which follows.
(A) Type of thinking – I imagine that women who have immediate disgust and frustration over this quote are either – #1 Very vain and do not realize their need for grace and mercy – or #2 Are sitting in the midst of abundant grace and mercy and are fully aware they had nothing to do with getting there.
(B) Type of thinking – is rooted also in the same #1 “vain” company. We ( I say “we” because I include myself in this) find ourselves reading this quote and see that much of our marriage fixing efforts are just that – efforts. We have convinced ourselves that if we only try harder, read more books, talk to more godly women, memorize more scripture – then we can really love our husbands well and everything will just fall into place. When things do work, we pat ourselves on the back and make sure we put a big star by that tactic, to be sure to use it again later. Consequently when something goes wrong (we find out your husband has been unfaithful, the “spark” isn’t there, we just don’t enjoy each other how we used to) then we blame ourselves. We think “If I had only….” And we are left often with hopelessness and blame.
Herein lies the topic for this week. Which woman will you be? It is probably no secret or surprise that I have never met a woman happy in marriage who falls into group A1 or B. I have met plenty of them who pretend around other people that things are good and easy, but then when they call or we speak in honesty, they confess to growing tired of working so hard, always sacrificing and never seeing any real results. You see, a group B woman likes to quantify progress and happiness – she needs to be able to traces back her actions and see how she made it happen. She wants to know how to fix it. How to keep it from breaking again; How to increase her sex drive?; How to make him look at her the way he used to?; How to make quality time easy and fun?; How to _________? Though they sound like headlines for Cosmo, they really are the questions that run through our hearts, as we believe the lies that say: “You are alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned with your and your marriage. If anything is going to change it has to be by your own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. You can fix it if you work hard enough.” Have you not felt this way before?
Now we pray and hope to be come more like the women of A2. We have gone to church with them, or school, or work. They are neither obnoxious in their gratitude nor negligent in their thanksgiving. These women are women who we long to be like, and their common characteristic is awareness of mercy.
Though there are many things I hope you will comment on this week, among them is this particular question or rather – a challenge.
In an act of faith, commit to spend 5 minutes each day this week and ask of God one thing – Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy, Lord?
Don’t try to fill up the 5 minutes praying for everyone you know. Don’t be afraid of the quiet. Just ask of Him this one thing. Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy You have shown me?
Come back. Let’s tell each other of this mercy. This simple practice, I believe will change our hearts. Certainly, as I have practiced it in the past year – God has grown a deeper understanding that no good thing is rooted in Will Power - but rather, His mercy.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Vicious Cycle
My logic in love is very distorted in Lance's eyes (as it should be, because I'm pretty much distorted). You see, I think that I can be a good psychologist and use negative reinforcement and drive him away from bad habits (meaning, things I don't like). He doesn't put up his clothes, I complain. He forgets to clear the table, I say I can't come play because I have extra work to do now. He comes home from work late and doesn't call to let me know, I remain distant from the afternoon until finally telling him I'm upset, just in time to ruin the entire evening. I think to myself "surely this will drive the point home." Right? My subtle attitude change or demeanor will let him know something is wrong, or must change. Right? Perhaps it will work for a time, it might elicit a response that pleases us on occasion. Yet in regard to a long term behavior change, or an opening of communication for desires and expectations - this is not going to work long term. In fact it will drive our husbands away. This type of conditioning might work for the women in our lives - but for our husbands it will not. And praise God for that. This behavior is meant to manipulate, not communicate.
The way marriage was designed to work, is very contrary to how science tells us it should. The world says, "if they are not showing love- then withhold something from them, until you get what you want." The world says, "if she is not respecting you as a husband, then be harsh and more stern- demand that respect.” And perhaps we are nodding our heads in agreement (or shame). Reality is – these methods will not build a marriage where we both are happy. These methods will not build a marriage we enjoy and long to be in.
God designed marriage to be contrary to the world’s logic, so that it would be set apart as a phenomenon in society - a phenomenon that points to Christ, Him crucified, and resurrected. This design proves true and right in practice, yet in logic seems impossible. This design says, to love when you do not feel respected – to give respect when you do not feel loved.
I have heard it explained as “the love and respect connection.” Dr. Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, explains, “No husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being. Ironically, the deepest need of the wife – to feel loved – is undermined by her disrespect.” You see – we feel no love, so we respond with disrespect. In turn, our husband feels disrespected – and responds unlovingly. When I read this for the first time I said – “That is so it!” Partly in frustration and partly in celebration, I started to be able to recall times when I could say this certainly was true.
You can probably think of couples you see this cycle in. It’s devastating for a marriage when they fall into this pattern.
Next week we will talk about how to change this pattern, but first we need to be able to recognize our part in this cycle.
Two questions. One to consider as you are spending time with your husband, interacting with him. One to meditation on as you are away.
(With your husband)
1. Am I communicating to him that he is respected? (through tone of voice, mannerisms, frequency of love making, how I talk about him when he is around, considering his input and opinions, etc)
(when you are away from your husband)
2. Am I respecting him in my thoughts? (Do I blame him for things? Do think little of his work? Do I speak poorly about him to my friends or company? Do I take time to plan ahead for sex? Do I take time to meditate on the things I love about him, the things that first drew me to him?)
This week come back and share your thought and answers on these questions. As always, you are welcome to leave them anonymously.
Do not be discouraged. We are going to talk about changing these patterns, and beginning to live a life that gives respect – and we will be amazed at the love that begins to flow from our husbands.
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