"What moments have I forfeited and blamed "marriage" or "motherhood" for taking?"

It's absurd to say out loud, right?

I sound like I had formerly been a superstar. Leading a professional sports team to victory, or a former rocker who used to tour the world and have fans doe-ding after her. Of course, I am none of those. But I mean it all the same. It's how I feel at least. At least tonight.

I used to be great.

I always had someone wanting to spend time with me, seeking my advice, giving me gifts, and mailing me letters. That's right not "or" mailing me letters - I said 'AND'. That's how "great" I was.

You know you have thought it. Granted, you may not have written here in black and white for God and the whole world to see - Oh! but you thought it. You felt it. In those nights when you turn over in your bed, still unshowered - still hungry, and still a full to-do list waiting for you in the morning. In those mornings when you would rather be throwing up than facing the ungratefulness, the indifference, the assumptions, the frustrations, the car pools, the neighbors, the grass, the dishes. Or maybe even in those free afternoons that are too quiet and still and dreaded because they remind you that your once full datebook now is only full of doctors visits and car maintenance.

Or maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about.

May you still feel like you are that same "great" woman. You are full of vigor. You feel attractive. You feel fulfilled. You are happy. You look forward to your coming schedule. You relish the challenge. You revile in the solace of your free time. You are still turning away offers for coffee just to "sit and talk."

I am beginning to realize many of the things I have forfeited in marriage and motherhood, were just that - forfeited. No one pride them from my hands. Granted, somethings will not come as easily or with the same frequency - coffee and talking, for example. But the things that truly made me happy and filled me with joy, they are not too far from my grasp. And gratefully i'm seeing it now.

In college, I would be perfectly content with my journal, my Bible, my Nalgene, and a park. Some days I had hours to spend there, but some days I only had moments. I guess, in my "all or nothing" nature I told myself - well, you can't spend all day there anymore! YOu have family to take care of! Just forget it!

Lies.

In hindsight, the days I only had a moment to sit under a tree between meetings and classes, where just as sacred.

Today, I'm asking myself "What moments have I forfeited and blamed "marriage" or "motherhood" for taking?" What joys do I mope about mourning the loss of, which I have given up willingly!?

I'm taking a deep breath. I'm not going to forfeit a walk for a TV show. I'm not going to forfeit really getting to know my sisters in Christ for gossip or idle "mom conversation". I'm not going to forfeit making love for self pity. I'm not going to forfeit reading for worrying. I'm not going to forfeit listening for talking! I won't do it! I won't do it anymore. I won't forfeit tears for looking strong. I won't forfeit help for pride. I won't forfeit laughs for fear of looking silly. I won't forfeit finger paint for fear of stains on the carpet. I won't forfeit dinner with friends for excuses. I won't forfeit adventures for safety. I won't forfeit life for schedules.

I won't do. I just won't do it anymore.

The very Spirit of God

I have a sob in my throat this morning as I sit in the Sunday morning service. Vaulted ceilings. Pale yellow walls. A murmur among the crowd. A sob in my throat. I remember a time when the feeling of this morning - was the feeling of everyday. I hesitate to name it now because I once would have never even thought to name it. It would have been so common (not common as in cheap or unimportant - yet rather common in that it was familiar), so common that it would have needed no name - much like a friend who calls and needs not identify himself before beginning his greeting.

But now, it's so unfamiliar. And I'm caught between joy and sadness, for I am overwhelmed because that friend has come again, and for so long now I have wondered silently if he would ever return. And now he has come. And I'm still. Almost afraid to acknowledge him. Because I have thought he had returned many times before, yet it proved to be only a shadow as he made his way to visit another. But this time, I'm certain he is here for me.

Though not fully manifested to me yet, he is so near I can feel his warmth beside me - like the company of a familiar partner he moves near to me and makes known his love. Yet not a man, but the Spirit.

The very Spirit of God.

Though I know in my mind He never left me alone, it is also true that often it felt as though He was simply watching and occasionally calling out - but had lost His passion for me and resigned His pursuit, that was once filled with zeal and charm, to a lover who simply slept in my bed yet showed me no desire or attention.

But today.

Today I feel happy in this love. Totally undeserving of it -oh! But happy! This sob within me results from being loved in such a way that can not be contained.

Am I still an ordinary woman - in that: I change dirty diapers, fold clothes, and have dishes piled in my sink? Yes. But I am also, an all together unordinary woman in that I am loved by God to the extent that He came and overcame death for me and goes on petitioning and fighting on my behalf, so that the joy I feel today might be the reality in my everyday life.

For it was not the Spirit that moved away from me - but rather I that moved away from Him - because I believed that some other lover might prove better, then in the disappointment that clouded my mind, I forgot Him.

Today. I have remembered.

Will I forget again? By God's mercy, I beg - No! May I also let the reality of this Love well up inside of me and reach out and touch those around me. May the warmth of my Savior's Love reach it's grasp, particularly toward my family - my husband, and that they might find it's sweet caress a joy and delight. And indulgent love.

That they might see in me the love I feel at God's hand.

If they are astray - may they come home.

If at home - may they always remain.

Praise be to God.