I have a sob in my throat this morning as I sit in the Sunday morning service. Vaulted ceilings. Pale yellow walls. A murmur among the crowd. A sob in my throat. I remember a time when the feeling of this morning - was the feeling of everyday. I hesitate to name it now because I once would have never even thought to name it. It would have been so common (not common as in cheap or unimportant - yet rather common in that it was familiar), so common that it would have needed no name - much like a friend who calls and needs not identify himself before beginning his greeting.
But now, it's so unfamiliar. And I'm caught between joy and sadness, for I am overwhelmed because that friend has come again, and for so long now I have wondered silently if he would ever return. And now he has come. And I'm still. Almost afraid to acknowledge him. Because I have thought he had returned many times before, yet it proved to be only a shadow as he made his way to visit another. But this time, I'm certain he is here for me.
Though not fully manifested to me yet, he is so near I can feel his warmth beside me - like the company of a familiar partner he moves near to me and makes known his love. Yet not a man, but the Spirit.
The very Spirit of God.
Though I know in my mind He never left me alone, it is also true that often it felt as though He was simply watching and occasionally calling out - but had lost His passion for me and resigned His pursuit, that was once filled with zeal and charm, to a lover who simply slept in my bed yet showed me no desire or attention.
But today.
Today I feel happy in this love. Totally undeserving of it -oh! But happy! This sob within me results from being loved in such a way that can not be contained.
Am I still an ordinary woman - in that: I change dirty diapers, fold clothes, and have dishes piled in my sink? Yes. But I am also, an all together unordinary woman in that I am loved by God to the extent that He came and overcame death for me and goes on petitioning and fighting on my behalf, so that the joy I feel today might be the reality in my everyday life.
For it was not the Spirit that moved away from me - but rather I that moved away from Him - because I believed that some other lover might prove better, then in the disappointment that clouded my mind, I forgot Him.
Today. I have remembered.
Will I forget again? By God's mercy, I beg - No! May I also let the reality of this Love well up inside of me and reach out and touch those around me. May the warmth of my Savior's Love reach it's grasp, particularly toward my family - my husband, and that they might find it's sweet caress a joy and delight. And indulgent love.
That they might see in me the love I feel at God's hand.
If they are astray - may they come home.
If at home - may they always remain.
Praise be to God.
