Will Power

Grateful that I am not the True Teacher. As I lay in bed last night responding with disrespect and frustration, I realized that I was falling into the cycle. I was playing all my best cards to make sure that the conversation ended exactly as I wanted it to, and if necessary I would play my trump card. “I had wanted to make love, but now…” And then I realized the schemes of my old man rearing their head and I grew quickly disgusted with myself – and by God’s grace, I confessed my attitude and asked for forgiveness. And – no, that was not enough – I also followed through with my earlier promises of love making. An apology does not quite take root in my husband’s heart if it is still coupled with a cold shoulder in bed, and that is understandable seeing that he is not a fool.

And now, as I write, I think of the conversations from the past week. Erin and Courtney shared how they also struggle at times with getting out of the cycle. How easy it is to find yourself there, learning how to use it to your advantage. Ironic isn’t it? Because in reality the cycle will not work to your advantage, it will only lead to destruction.

I told you this week that we would talk about getting out of the cycle. We will break this into two different conversations. One this week: Will Power, another next week: Methodists. The “Methodists” lesson will go over practical ways we can work to get out, but more necessary is the conversation on “Will Power.”

One of the books I’m currently reading, A Long Obedience In The Same Direction by Eugene H. Peterson, has really peaking my interest in regards to the ideas of obedience in faith. Eugene quotes many other authors as he writes, and I have tweaked a quote to start the conversation for this week.

“I reign supreme, with certain forces (time, money, energy) as my only possible adversaries. I am alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned or entirely mean. If anything is going to change it has to be by my own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. I can fix it if I work hard enough.”

You will likely have one of two responses as you read this. (A) Disgust and frustration, not understanding how someone could think like that. (B) Realize in a hint of shame much of your good intentions are rooted in this type of thinking. Perhaps not so much the “I reign supreme” but much of that which follows.

(A) Type of thinking – I imagine that women who have immediate disgust and frustration over this quote are either – #1 Very vain and do not realize their need for grace and mercy – or #2 Are sitting in the midst of abundant grace and mercy and are fully aware they had nothing to do with getting there.

(B) Type of thinking – is rooted also in the same #1 “vain” company. We ( I say “we” because I include myself in this) find ourselves reading this quote and see that much of our marriage fixing efforts are just that – efforts. We have convinced ourselves that if we only try harder, read more books, talk to more godly women, memorize more scripture – then we can really love our husbands well and everything will just fall into place. When things do work, we pat ourselves on the back and make sure we put a big star by that tactic, to be sure to use it again later. Consequently when something goes wrong (we find out your husband has been unfaithful, the “spark” isn’t there, we just don’t enjoy each other how we used to) then we blame ourselves. We think “If I had only….” And we are left often with hopelessness and blame.


Herein lies the topic for this week. Which woman will you be? It is probably no secret or surprise that I have never met a woman happy in marriage who falls into group A1 or B. I have met plenty of them who pretend around other people that things are good and easy, but then when they call or we speak in honesty, they confess to growing tired of working so hard, always sacrificing and never seeing any real results. You see, a group B woman likes to quantify progress and happiness – she needs to be able to traces back her actions and see how she made it happen. She wants to know how to fix it. How to keep it from breaking again; How to increase her sex drive?; How to make him look at her the way he used to?; How to make quality time easy and fun?; How to _________? Though they sound like headlines for Cosmo, they really are the questions that run through our hearts, as we believe the lies that say: “You are alone, free, and growing stronger. God is either unconcerned with your and your marriage. If anything is going to change it has to be by your own initiative, it will primarily be by force and discipline. You can fix it if you work hard enough.” Have you not felt this way before?

Now we pray and hope to be come more like the women of A2. We have gone to church with them, or school, or work. They are neither obnoxious in their gratitude nor negligent in their thanksgiving. These women are women who we long to be like, and their common characteristic is awareness of mercy.

Though there are many things I hope you will comment on this week, among them is this particular question or rather – a challenge.

In an act of faith, commit to spend 5 minutes each day this week and ask of God one thing – Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy, Lord?

Don’t try to fill up the 5 minutes praying for everyone you know. Don’t be afraid of the quiet. Just ask of Him this one thing. Would you grow in me an awareness of mercy You have shown me?

Come back. Let’s tell each other of this mercy. This simple practice, I believe will change our hearts. Certainly, as I have practiced it in the past year – God has grown a deeper understanding that no good thing is rooted in Will Power - but rather, His mercy.