Do you enjoy making love? and Does your husband know?
The time that has passed between the last entry and now has been extensive. Due to the baby growing in my womb, my schedule has been dictated by many extraneous factors. Now perhaps we can get back to our conversation.
These two questions "Do you enjoy sex? and Does your husband know?" are very sensitive. Though past topics have been prying and hard - these two seem to reach into our hearts and force us to do something that we loath - self evaluation. Oh! How the world would have us to only look around and evaluate others, failing to ever take a moment and pause to see ourselves in that dreadful mirror of reality. Particularly when it comes to the bedroom. We find ourselves looking at this place, the bedroom, as a place of frustration and obligation rather than a place of refuge and delight.
We will handle these two questions, just as that - Two questions. First we will discuss question "Do you enjoy love making?"
I can feel the cringing happening across cyberspace as you read the words. Most women feel that if their answer is not a resounding "yes" that they are a bad wife. Let me put your mind at ease in this and say - you are not alone. Most women find it difficult to find freedom in love making. This does not mean you are a bad wife, it does not mean that you are doing something wrong, or are in sin. It does not mean, as some may assume, that God is punishing you for some past experience or decision. If you are indeed a follower of Christ, I am fully convinced that God wants you to enjoy and delight in love making with your partner - and not only does He want that for you, but will enable you to do so. It may simply take time. But as we learn together, perhaps this conversation will be use as a tool to open up the pleasures of sex to you in your marriage bed.
Keeping in mind that love making is not only vaginal intercourse. It ranges from conversation (verbal and nonverbal) to cuddling to intimate touch. Each couple will experience pleasure in different ways and to different extents - but they are ALL able to enjoy love making at some very satisfying level. Particular individuals love the "Leading." The "Leading" is all the love making that leads to more intimate touch and eventually vaginal intercourse. Granted - your husband is probably most vocal about his enjoyment of the latter, but you would be surprised at how he can also grow to cherish and love the Leading. Others get most aroused and excited by the "Caress." The Caress is the more intimate touch that is not yet sex. It is the building and awakening of sensation and awareness. I would say that the Leading could contain touch as well as conversation, but does not include touch of the most erogenous zones, while Caress does include those, particularly using your hands and mouth. Lastly, the final phase of love making could be called "Satisfaction." Because more often than not, if you walk away from your husband before this phase he will not experience the completion of his longing, and in many cases neither will you.
I write these phases to help give you a vocabulary when talking to your husband. Because, though you may dread it - we are approaching the next question "Does your husband know?"
You must answer this with honesty. First, what is your answer to "Do you enjoy love making?" Whether it be "no," "sometimes," or "yes" - you must tell him. Do NOT ASSUME that he can "pick up" on it - or that he should simply realize it. These are unfair expectations for you to have. It is wrong of you to think he can have knowledge of something that has not been clearly stated to him.
Next week, we will talk about how to have and initiate this conversation, so that it will be received and not seen as an attack. Spend time this week thinking on the phases of lovemaking:
- Leading
- Caress
- Satisfaction
Pay attention as you play this week, and take note of what means the most to you in intimacy. This information will improve, not only your enjoyment in sex - but also enable you with a tool for communicating with your husband regarding how he satisfies you and what other things you might enjoy.
Talk to me.
6 comments:
thought on...other stuff...as in, what about toys? vibrators? are they wrong? do they take away from intimacy? will they kill your husband's pride?
Wow - I think this is a great question. Certainly worthy of a very elaborate and thought out answer.
I want to make it clear before I answer that I have spoken with Lance about this, as well as other resources I respect - and this is the background from which I am drawing as I answer.
There are a few big things that must be covered in conversations with your husband, and with God, before this topic can be approached with a good heart and godly intentions.
First and foremost-
Ask yourself these three questions:
1. Am I in the Word?
2. Am I in prayer?
3. Am I seeking and willing to receive godly counsel?
Before we handle the big questions in life and marriage- we must always come back to these three questions. They are a priceless evaluation point which gives us insight regarding our desires and motivations. If you can say with full confidence "yes" to these three questions -then we can move on. Yet, if you hesitate and wonder - then I encourage you to remain patiently waiting on the Lord for direction in this. If you are not resting in His word, company, and counsel - then be very wary of desires and longings. Our hearts are evil apart from His mercy, our longings are fleshly less they be directed by His very Spirit. Spend time here first, before you move forward at all in finding answers to these questions. You need to be certain that your interest in these toys or accessories is not rooted in a sinful desire or past fantasy or lust.
When the answer is "YES" - to the above three questions, then we can move forward in more evaluation.
The short answer is: Save that which Scripture teaches against (bringing other people into your marriage bed (including fantasy or thought)) you have freedom. Meaning that pornography, erotic readings, etc - should not be welcome in your marriage bed. The only two people in your fantasy and experiential love making should be you and your husband alone.
There is freedom though in your own bed with one another. (I use "bed" loosely - a floor or shower or car will do.)
Toys (ranging from vibrators, to chocolate, to uniquely shaped pillows) can be a gift to one another and enhance your play time. There must be agreement with your partner regarding what they feel comfortable with. Some people do not like the idea of "machines" or "extra stuff" in sex. It seems artificial or wrong to them - if either of you feel this way - it should be avoided. There has to be agreement in love making or else insecurities and regret will appear. Love making should be fun and without reservation. This is the beauty of a marriage founded in Christ - we have no shame. None.
I would advise if you have any reservations regarding how this would make your husband feel - do not introduce it onto your marriage. If you have had conversations and you both are excited about the idea - make the purchase together. Neither of you need to set of on a search without the other, for the world would love to entangle you in sins you never intended to catch your attention. Be cautious regarding where to look for toys and, be conscious that most adult stores are not filled with God fearing men and women who are there with the intention of enhancing their marriage. Enter your adventure with wisdom and intentionality.
If your husband expresses that he doesn't understand your new interest or idea, speak plainly about why you want to try it. Be willing to wait, months, even years - before he might show an interest.
It is possible that he would feel that you are looking for pleasure in other ways because he thinks he is not satisfying you. If you are not satisfied - go back to the post "Questions 4 &5". That's where the honestly starts.
Does this answer your question? I am eager to hear your thoughts on this.
it definitely answers the question. i think, based on reading what you wrote previously regarding the 3 questions, I am afraid of actually telling my husband that i am unsatisfied with our sex. not that i am unsatisfied, but not actually satisfied. does that make sense? i guess i figured that making things more...whatever...I could distract myself from the undertow. i guess i see now that whatever i could introduce into the marriage would be supplanting a desire for sex (which i find i have little of at times) for something new and exciting. sigh. thanks for the wisdom. please don't stop blogging.
I hope we can all help each other. You are right. Let's all pray that God grows desire in our hearts to make love to our husbands. Talking to our husbands is the first and necessary step towards solving lack of desire. We should never look to distractions to entice us into love making, that desire needs to grow from our hearts - a really longing to love and please one another. I will pray that God continues to give us courage to talk to our men, and speak honestly about our longings and needs. They want to please us, but - lest we tell them - how could they know what we long for?
This is such a great topic! I'm still a newlywed (is 2.5 years still considered that?), so I definitely am enjoying making love. Of course, it has slowed down from the honeymoon, but I will find myself just craving being that close to my husband.
And, I have found that my husband welcomes any conversation I want to have about sex. I think men are okay with that, as long as it is not in a descending way that could make them feel like they suck at it. :-) Maybe start with a compliment buffer... My husband wants to know what he can do to make it better because if it is better for me, then it gets better for him ultimately.
Love making is a very spiritual experience, whether you recognize it or not.
I am amazed at how insightful you are in these matters. I am getting married in just 4 short months and am so anxious about being the Godly wife that I WANT to be, while at the same time knowing that it will be through His grace alone that I will succeed. This blog is amazing and I think that you can really minister to a lot of people. I am sharing it with people that I work with - women who are struggling with some the same issues. Thank you.
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