Blame Shifters

I also could have titled this post "Danielle." But I'd rather point to someone else.

A friend recently showed me the news unfolding over the Baby Einstein videos. The CCFC (Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood - and no they don't mean everyone should have Tivo) has been pressing Disney for sometime to either substantiate or withdraw claims that the Baby Einstein dvds will help make your kids a freaking genius. Well, research has come out and - sorry to break the news - watching moving pictures on a screen doesn't teach your kid. It actually hurts their development.

Though research like this had been prevalent and available for sometime (like 10 years), people are suddenly shocked and really upset. And to top it all off it's, evidently Disney's fault- CCFC has won out in getting Disney to reimburse people for their dvds. $15 a pop. l Nice.

Now perhaps you don't see the connection here to your marriage, but I do. I'm not talking about how much TV your family watches either, that's another post altogether. I am rather referring to our inclination to blame someone else for something that is entirely our fault. Even I'm like this, but I get it from my mom. :)

We are groomed in a culture that tells us that their is always someone else to blame. If there is no such thing as a free lunch, well, that's because someone else is eating two lunches somewhere! It's their fault! Rarely are individuals encouraged to take responsibility for their own actions and take some initiative to get themselves into a new attitude or life circumstance.

Now don't go hatin' on me. By no means am I ruling out charity and love and mercy. Certainly those things are praised and should be present in the life of every believer. Yet, when you find yourself without, when you find that you are angry, when you find that you are discouraged - you are responsible for you. Don't go calling the CCFC and get them to make some calls for you - certainly that is not what love would do. I digress.

Back to the point. Are you a Blame Shifter? Do you find yourself prone to account for the faults of your husband and children with ease, yet find your own remorse over attitude or wrong doing much harder to list? Are you always ready to say "you own me this"? Maybe in your heart, if not out loud?

Let us be reminded that we are owed NOTHING. When Christ came, we asked everything of Him on the cross. There on that cross, He gave us all that could be desired.

Hear this open ears:
If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

In Christ you lack nothing. You are a fool to believe anything other than this truth. You are distracted and believing lies. Videos don't make your kids smart! The world will not make you happy! More appreciation from your husband will not make you happy! Children who obey will not make you happy! A faithful and easy marriage will not make you happy! A leaner body will not make you happy! Another cup of coffee, another piece of cake, a call from a friend, a clean house, a new job, getting to work at home, living closer to family, a husband who never deploys - they will all come up short. They are less than the cross! They are less than the empty tomb!

I am convinced (though me being convinced doesn't make it true, it ought to be a least compelling, right?) that many, if not all, of the difficulties in marriage and life are directly connected with my inability to recognize what I already posses. I shift my attention to circumstances, I shift blame to others, I shift my weight back and forth as I grow uncomfortable even now having to admit that I am in the wrong. I am the one to blame. When before God I am the one who is guilty. Or rather should be seen that way.

Yet in Christ - oh! In Christ! God becomes the Ulitmate Blame Shifter. Not shifting Blame away from Himself, which would be entirely right of Him to do. For in Him there is no fault. There is no wrong. There is only Good and Right and Pure. Yet God shifts the blame to Himself. TO HIMSELF. On Christ our blame and fault has fallen, and in that great assurance can we not say we have found all things needed? As Christ has shifted the blame from us and on to Himself, as He defeated it in death, and Lords over it in Life - how then do we sit and say we lack any, ANY, good thing? How?!

If you shift today, friend, let it be a shift from a women who once thought others to blame - or even from a woman who thought herself to blame - into a woman who has no fault at all in the eyes of her God.

For the blame that once was - will never be again!

In the resurrection of Christ we have found ourselves blameless. And we had nothing to do with it.

If you find yourself wanting, certainly it is NOT because you actually lack something.

Why do you find yourself wanting then? Remember the cross. Remember the Shift that Christ Embodies.

Take Hope! Be Happy! Unlike Disney, You don't owe the debt you created. You don't pay the God you offended. It has been paid.

You simply must remember. And let us extend some measure of this graciousness to the people around us, particularly our husbands. Certainly the debt you think he owes you is nothing in comparison the debt you would have owed a perfect and Righteous God.

Can your house affect your love life?

Oh, dear ones! We have finally settled (sort of) in our new home in GA. It feels good. I had no idea the impact that moving would have on us, particularly now that we have a child.

Seeing as this is our 4th permanent move (6th move) in 3 years - you would think that we would get the hang of it, right? That's what I thought, but alas - a child does throw a big kink in the normal moving schedule. Where I was once able to quickly unpack everything and layout entire rooms in just days, now it is divided by naps and feedings. Naps during which you can not hammer or drill. Feedings during which, well, you can't do anything except feed. Even large portions of awake time demand your attention as J is more mobile and needing some higher level supervision.

But, dare I say it - Jameson was not the biggest hindrance to mine and Lance's relationship in these past few months. The house was. I found that as the house was in shambles I did not feel romantic. Furthermore, often, love making would never even cross my mind. Even the simple things of making love - speaking kindly, helping with chores, packing a lunch, having clean clothes to wear - were lost in the transition from one home to the other.

It brought something to my attention. At least for me, the condition of my home or "to do list" significantly impacts my time spent with Lance. When I feel productive and balanced in our home, I am more likely to be kind to him and respond to (or even offer) advances for intimacy. Yet, when the hamper is full of dirty clothes, when diapers need to be washed, when dinner is far from ready - I become short and tired, and distracted. And soon, the man I vowed to love and cherish, becomes the man who is just around while I take care of other things.

How sad! I would challenge you to evaluate how you run your home and see what things you might could change in order to bring some balance and alleviate some tension. Get your husband involved - what man doesn't want to create time for love making? They are few and far between. And who knows if your husband has not been "in the mood" then perhaps as you begin to order your home - he will find a renewed sense of order for himself as well.

Oh, the things an ordered home can lead to!

Buying a House

This house buying process has certainly put a little tension in the Anders household.

This is the house we are supposedly closing on this coming Monday. Though the bank we are buying the house from has been saying "next week" for about 7 weeks now. I have to say buying a foreclosure has been a hassle. But we are praying that it will pay off in the end. It will be keeping our monthly mortgage payments low and will help us meet some of our financial goals for the year and the next three years.

This is our second home purchase, so you would think that some how we would be seasoned in a way. Not so. It seems everything that was true of our last home purchase, no longer applies. Things change. It is a new location. A new economy. And even a new Anders family. Before we bought a condo in DC in a thriving market for a family of 2. Now we are looking for a single family home in GA for a family of 3 and hopefully room to grow.

In all this, I am reminded over and over of two significant things.

1. God is the one ordering our path.
2. I don't know as much as I think I do.

Oh! The applications for marriage! One thing I put my hope in and the other I need to be reminded of daily. When tension arises in our marriage, it is undoubtedly because I have either forgotten one (That God is in control) or because I don't believe the other (that I don't know as much as I think I do).

Which one of these is harder for you to remember? Both can be detrimental to your marriage.

Simply Put

I have been spending lots of time lately on my hands and knees, and no - I don't mean that in any kinky way what so ever.

I am referring to my time with Jameson, my 10 month old, crawling all over the house and sitting on the floor together. He loves reading books together, and recently I have found myself growing tired of the books he has grown so fond of. In order to keep some sanity, I change up the way I read them each time. So as not to totally lose my mind.

Today as we read "Noah's Ark" for about the 100th time, I decided to try to come up with one word for each pay to describe what was happening through out the story.
Here is how it went:

Wicked.
Flood.
Build.
Remnant.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Faithful.
Good.
Promise.

I began to think on my story with Lance. Wondering what words might be used to describe this unfolding of our marriage. I could easily come up with a list that I did not want to use:

Nagging.
Disappointed.
Unfaithful.
Lacking.
Frustrated.
Lonely.
Angry.
Longing.
Escape.
Tired.
Long.
Cluttered.
Debt.

And the list could go on.

I wonder what my ideal list would be like?

Love.
Faithful.
Clean.
Enduring.
Satisfying.
Quenching.
Refreshed.
Stable.
Secure.
Comforting.
Respect.
Learning.
Delight.

I could think of even more there as well.

How do you think your husband would narrate your "simply put" marriage? Are you doing things to help create the marriage that you long to leave the story of?

Corner of the Roof

It is better to live on a corner of a roof than to share a home with a quarreling woman.

This quote almost sounds like something out a stand-up comedy act or some romantic comedy on TLC. It's not though. It is a verse from Proverbs, 25:24. I often get a laugh from it, but then gloss on to the next verse, but as I have been reading through Proverbs, I have noticed that this verse (and variations of it) are mentioned several times. Not just this once.

As I read this I can not help but wonder how many of our husbands, though not in actuality, but in their minds and emotions totally checkout when they come home and retreat to the corner of the roof so that they don't have to tolerate our quarreling and contention? You feel like he is never listening when you are talking - perhaps it is simply because he can not hear you from the roof. Your nagging and quarreling has made him chose this retreat, because he would rather live alone on a roof than together with you in your house.

Another of my favorites is Proverbs 9:13 - A foolish woman is loud, she has no sense at all.

Dang. And what is Proverbs called? The book of wisdom? Talk about a blow.

I have to say these two verses in particular have called me to reflect on my personal attitude and actions. Am I that lady in the room that simply does not know when to close her mouth? Even when I am home with my husband, is he thinking "Danielle, that's enough already. Just let it go." Certainly I do not what to be that way. I do not want to be foolish in my words, nonsensical.

Let us reflect on these things.

1. When you see your husband distancing himself, as yourself:
- What have I said to make him welcome in our home?
- What have I said that could be seen as quarreling or nagging?
- Have I communicated that I love him?
- Have I communicated that I need him? That I am glad he chooses to come home?

2. When I speak, is it profitable?
- Do I talk simply to make conversation, or is their value to my words?
- Do I speak of things that good, holy, just, pure and lovely?
- Do I make it my intention to talk about the good things first?
- Why do I think that I HAVE to mention every negative observation I make?
- Why can't I "let go" of somethings instead of have a conversation at length about them?
- Do I pray about my conversation?


These TOTALLY hit home for me. I know my home would be a lot less like a roof, if I could just make some small accommodations to love in word and in deed.

Dinner Company

I have been trying to form a new habit of reading a chapter of the Bible out loud to Jameson and myself every morning. I thought an easy place to start would be in Proverbs. Seeing as there are 31 Chapters and all, I would make it my goal for the month.

A few days ago, as we read Proverbs 15 - I was taken back as I read some wisdom for being good dinner company. Verse 17 reads in the ESV "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."


Granted, I think the application is pretty simple. People would rather eat with someone who loves them and offers a meager meal, than with their enemy over a banqueting table.

I could not help but think of how this applies to my marriage on so many levels.

1. If I am going to spend an hour fixing dinner, then grow short and smart with lance in conversation and company because of the time gone - he would rather have me in a good mood and eat a sandwich.

If you are going to be a pain to spend time around if you don't just take a break and chill out - chances are, your husband would rather you have a little down time and be good company when he gets home. Some work-arounds I have recently incorporated into our schedule - (1) make dinner during Jameson's morning or afternoon nap that way it is ready to put in the over or microwave when lance comes home from work, but i'm not killing myself for the minutes leading to him walking through the door. (2) Casseroles! Making more than one and freezing one for later. (3) Recipes that grow. Using ingredients for the week that work for multiple meals. Example: One night we have Artichoke, Spinach, and Chicken Casserole - Later that week use the left over casserole as a spread on pitas, to make Pita Pizza (Casserole spread, topped with some cheese, and sliced tomatoes) a few minutes in the oven! Dinner with nearly no work for that second meal.

But also the proverb gives me a great look into our love making. Let's take the proverb and tweak it, and see if it lines up with any truths in our lives.

"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it."

"Better is a affectionate touch and kiss with love, than to have sex with hate in your heart."

I know there are women out there who are going to bed before their husbands so they don't have to deal with sex. There are also those who stay up way later than their husbands so that he will already be asleep when they get in bed, and they are relieved of the responsibility later saying "Well, you are always asleep when I get in bed." But all to often another sad situation exists, where you are getting into bed and having sex, but all the while thinking "Just get this over with already." Friends, let me be clear - your husband is not an idiot. When you would rather be sleeping or watching television, he knows.

I want to challenge you this week, to ask which dinner partner you are. Take the initiative to be full of love and gentleness - maybe it begins only with a meager meal of a gentle touch or kiss or on the cheek. But mean it. Whatever you can do genuinely and with full affection - offer than to him today. Certainly, more often than not, your husband would rather have a meager meal of your love, than a feast full of disdain.

Let us pray, that soon = in all our hearts we will find both love and feast.

The Woman in My House

Today started as any day. I woke when I heard Jameson, my 8th month old, crying. It was 5am. "Not bad," I thought to myself as I counted backwards in my head. "4, 3, 2, ... Wow, 10 hours! Awesome job Jameson!" I felt around in the dark for my Old Navy stripped bedroom slippers and slid them under the covers placing them on my feet. This is so that I don't get cold while I'm feeding Jameson, making it harder then for me to fall back asleep. I realized that if I never actually wake up during the feeding, I am a much happier person come official wake-up. I stumble to the door, grab my robe, open the door to the nursery, pick him up and try my best to situate him some where in the vicinity of a nipple. If we are both lucky, I am victorious and he eats and I am able to fall back asleep while sitting in the glider. That is at least until half time of the show, when we change sides and Jameson switches to full-on frantic mode as he searches for the rest of his meal. He finishes. I put him back in bed, hang the robe, drop the slippers systematically before putting each foot under the covers. I am nearly asleep before my head even reaches the pillow. The pillow which, with no regard for me, has now reached 6 degrees and feels like a cube of ice sliding down my face. I am fully awake, and now thinking of the mortgage, the dishes, the laundry, the emails I need to return, and what I going to bring to the dinner that night at a friends house. The dinner which I didn't even know about until 5 this afternoon, Lance had scheduled that one. "Oh yes," I thought, "I have an extra dessert casserole in the freezer for such an emergency!" I'm asleep.

Woken again around 8:30. Jameson is crying, but that wasn't what woke me. It was the vivid awareness that my husband was still in the bed beside me. The same husband who promised that he would go for a run and have the dishes washed all before I woke up this morning. That husband. He is huddled under the covers, with one hand sticking out - holding his iphone and checking emails. He just turned and said, "But it's so cold!" I reach over and put my frozen foot between his legs, causing him to squirm and yell, "Your feet are so cold! How are your feet so cold?!" which coincidentally was the exact response I was hoping for. I love my life.

Ah, but yes. The day flies on and we shift the responsibility of the dishes back and forth, until finally one of us crumbles simply because they can not handle the pile any longer. Guess who crumbles? He did feed Jameson though,and put up some folded clothes, and hack the Wii so we can play games we don't technically "own" on it. Okay, maybe some of that doesn't really benefit me that much, but still - he was busy. While he cleans up Jameson to head out the door for dinner, I get ready and suddenly catch a glimpse of that woman.

It totally stopped me in my tracks. I had never thought I would see her in my own house. Or at least not so soon. Her face looked more like the face of a woman than a girl. She had gotten a hair cut, but I recognized her. She looked nothing like what I would have described her as in my mind. I can only picture her in high school, eating only french fries for lunch, and laughing so hard people turn to see what is going on. But now, even her hands looked old, much older than her true age. Much older than she feels. Darn mirrors. Who would have thought of all the weapons in our home this simple cosmetic tool could have struck the deepest blow? My eyes filled up with tears, then I realized I just didn't have time to be sentimental. I did have an opening on Tuesday afternoon between a feeding and diaper washing, while Jameson should be taking a nap - I will wait until then to really have a cry. That's that.

I pull myself together and hear a voice, "What's wrong, sweetheart?" Of course! As soon as I pull myself together he has to walk in and be all chivalrous! Boo! BOO! Seeing as Lance has some magic ability to illicit tears from me exactly when I least want to cry, my resistance was worthless. I crumbled and muttered something along the lines of "the mirror... and my face... and i'm old... want to be a girl... but i'm a mom... and... just not the same... it's hard..." sobbing all the way through. He just hugs me and says, "I love you." I can't help but laugh, because that probably was the most least helpful thing he could have said at the moment, but man - he sure was trying. But you know what? Even though I could have really gone for a "But Danielle, you look just as young as the day I first set eyes on you!" or a "Love, You look wonderful, how could you possibly think you look a day over 20?" I have to say that as I lay down to go to bed, his "I love you." was the one thing lulling me to sleep.

So good to know that the thing that really brings me rest is not going to fade away with youth. It's just good.