Vicious Cycle

My logic in love is very distorted in Lance's eyes (as it should be, because I'm pretty much distorted). You see, I think that I can be a good psychologist and use negative reinforcement and drive him away from bad habits (meaning, things I don't like). He doesn't put up his clothes, I complain. He forgets to clear the table, I say I can't come play because I have extra work to do now. He comes home from work late and doesn't call to let me know, I remain distant from the afternoon until finally telling him I'm upset, just in time to ruin the entire evening. I think to myself "surely this will drive the point home." Right? My subtle attitude change or demeanor will let him know something is wrong, or must change. Right? Perhaps it will work for a time, it might elicit a response that pleases us on occasion. Yet in regard to a long term behavior change, or an opening of communication for desires and expectations - this is not going to work long term. In fact it will drive our husbands away. This type of conditioning might work for the women in our lives - but for our husbands it will not. And praise God for that. This behavior is meant to manipulate, not communicate.

The way marriage was designed to work, is very contrary to how science tells us it should. The world says, "if they are not showing love- then withhold something from them, until you get what you want." The world says, "if she is not respecting you as a husband, then be harsh and more stern- demand that respect.” And perhaps we are nodding our heads in agreement (or shame). Reality is – these methods will not build a marriage where we both are happy. These methods will not build a marriage we enjoy and long to be in.

God designed marriage to be contrary to the world’s logic, so that it would be set apart as a phenomenon in society - a phenomenon that points to Christ, Him crucified, and resurrected. This design proves true and right in practice, yet in logic seems impossible. This design says, to love when you do not feel respected – to give respect when you do not feel loved.

I have heard it explained as “the love and respect connection.” Dr. Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, explains, “No husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being. Ironically, the deepest need of the wife – to feel loved – is undermined by her disrespect.” You see – we feel no love, so we respond with disrespect. In turn, our husband feels disrespected – and responds unlovingly. When I read this for the first time I said – “That is so it!” Partly in frustration and partly in celebration, I started to be able to recall times when I could say this certainly was true.

You can probably think of couples you see this cycle in. It’s devastating for a marriage when they fall into this pattern.

Next week we will talk about how to change this pattern, but first we need to be able to recognize our part in this cycle.

Two questions. One to consider as you are spending time with your husband, interacting with him. One to meditation on as you are away.

(With your husband)
1. Am I communicating to him that he is respected? (through tone of voice, mannerisms, frequency of love making, how I talk about him when he is around, considering his input and opinions, etc)

(when you are away from your husband)
2. Am I respecting him in my thoughts? (Do I blame him for things? Do think little of his work? Do I speak poorly about him to my friends or company? Do I take time to plan ahead for sex? Do I take time to meditate on the things I love about him, the things that first drew me to him?)

This week come back and share your thought and answers on these questions. As always, you are welcome to leave them anonymously.

Do not be discouraged. We are going to talk about changing these patterns, and beginning to live a life that gives respect – and we will be amazed at the love that begins to flow from our husbands.