Before we got married, I made it my personal goal to initiate love making once a week. I do not mean suggesting some sort of hang-out time or date night - I mean, I make the first move to get us to the bed room and I take the first steps toward being naked. Ha! Glad we are all friends here. What I mean to communicate is this - Your husband will notice when you are overtly initiating. He may not notice if you "drop clues." Do not leave him guess work. Let there be no question in his mind that you want to make love to him - immediately.
I do not feel like there are any Biblical initiatives which set the guidelines regarding the frequency or necessity of my goal setting - but certainly I will communicate that is it not wrong to do so.
Do not misunderstand. If you half heartedly show interest in initiating, then your husbands integrity and pride will be hurt. You DO NOT want to communicate that you are initiating out of responsibility or guilt. Though you may be thinking "he will just be glad we are having sex," you are sorely wrong. The quality and intent of love making is important to your husband just as it is to you - he just manifests his desires in different ways.
One particular benefit of this principle is that I find I must keep my heart right with the Lord in order to meet these goals. Certainly when I am tired or had a busy week my inclination is not offer my body to Lance, but I think of his love for me and position as the Church - I am filled with longing for him. At times this comes with moments of reflection, yet at other times - after extend meditation and study.
How beautiful the connection between my Spiritual and Physical? When do you find that you do not long for intimacy with God? Tired and busy. It seems in spiritual lovelessness, the very things that will heal our hearts are the same which we despise to do. We know we should sing to God - yet we do not long to. We know that it would refresh us to seek Godly counsel - yet we do not receive it. We know that we should spend time in prayer - yet desire is gone. --- It is NO DIFFERENT in the lovelessness of the marriage bed. The very things which we find we do not long for are the same which will restore our passion.
Passion is found in the doing - not in the waiting or longing.
There is no heat from a fire which we have not started, and similarly we can not expect desire to grow from a marriage bed which we do not kindle intentionally.
The enemy is seeking to destroy our homes, and in this initiating process - in making advances towards our lovers, we place defense which are filled with the very power of God.
Delight in this battle, for certainly is it a battle we were intended to delight in.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
2. Do you still go on dates?
Dates. Dates. Dates.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
So the general responses to the idea of "dating" your husband have a pretty large range. Some women laugh and respond with "who had time for that?" - others might argue "who had money for that?" I think these two complaints weak and apathetic. Another might argue that they still have a "flame" so there really is need for that extra bit of romance and effort. And yet, another may say that they simply would not really enjoy the time alone. Certainly, the latter of the cases is the most sad. Then there might be the simple problem of "we have kids, and not money for a baby sitter."
Though we can brain storm together to address these problems, I bring the question of "dating" to light simply for the necessity to consider it. As teenagers and twenty-somethings we dated and found the time a place to evaluate and get to know your partner. Yet for some reason, after marriage we have decided that the need to "get to know" one another is not a need at all - rather we have simply "got them figured out."
It is my personal belief that this mistake is a large root in the lack of communication in marriage. The moment we believe we know our spouse so fully, we stop communicating with them - we have lay a trap for ourselves and await the pitfalls of silence.
Here lays the benefits (and even necessities) of "date night." When you regularly (weekly, monthly) take time to spend alone with one another away from your home - you will find that there will always be things to discover about your husband. Perhaps it is as simple as his favorite sports team changing, but it might be as drastic as his desires in bed changing. Certainly, these are not changes we want another women to discover over coffee at work, or a more vulnerable moment on a business trip.
Granted, there may be months or years of encounters during which we find our assumptions and information about him are right and confirmed. But when there is a moment when a new aspect or opinion is revealed - it will be certainly worth it.
Further more, if you do not enjoy spending time with your husband - there are even bigger issues to address. Certainly not uncommon issues, but issues bigger than date nights.
In a world that compels us to move quickly, take what we need, and leave everything else behind - a necessary thing to do - is fight that logic in your marriage.
Perhaps, you can ask him out this week? You do not have to spend money, go for a walk in the park. You do not have to go out to eat, pack lunches for a hike. You do not have to get a baby sitter - try to coordinate with another family to take their children once a week and vice versa. Just try to make it work.
Knowing your husband is worth working for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)