The last entry we talked about how Methods are good in forming habits that will transform the way we think and act. This next topic will be, nearly, the opposite. We are going to discuss the dangers of having a set pattern in love making.
I recently spent time with a couple who have horrible communication skills. They can interact with total strangers, speak in front of large groups with charisma, but when it comes to their own personal interaction - they seem at times to lack even a very basic consideration and affection for one another. As I observed them I could not help but think "i wonder what their sex life is like"? I thought of asking the woman, but it seems inappropriate to launch into such a personal topic during our brief encounter.
This question popped into my mind because I feel that love making is one of the most essential ingredients to a healthy marriage. I go as far as to say that, aside from a particular miraculous intervention by God, a marriage without frequent love making - will feel more like a burden than a pleasure for both husband and wife. This certainly seemed to be the case of the aforementioned couple - they interacted as though their partnership was a burden and labor.
Next week, I plan to write my thoughts on this subject. First though, I would love to know where you are all coming from. Certainly here is a topic that everyone seems to just hate. People grow embarrassed and angry when the subject is approached. Tell me it is personal and none of my business. Tell me that I need a hobby instead of prying into others lives. Tell me what you want - but bottom line... I want to see our marriages succeeded. I want to be friends with women who count their husbands a gift - not a burden or labor. I don't want to see you in a divorce. A step towards a love that we delight in and find easy - is rooted and founded in us having sex with our husbands. Certainly, I do not place this above our hearts being in full submission and devotion to God - but do not be mistaken - You can not say you are a godly wife if you are not having sex with your husband regularly.
I hope that if your feathers are ruffled you let me hear from you. I like a good fight every once in a while. You can even leave a fake name or no name if that will give you courage to ask questions or leave comments.
Here are somethings to get you started down the line of leaving comments.
What are your thoughts?
Please share the following (or some of the following) - at the very least, think about these things:
1. Is there variety in your sex life?
2. Do you still go on dates?
3. Do you initiate love making?
4. Does your husband know that you enjoy sex?
5. Do you enjoy sex?
6. Have you taken steps to learn more about making love making pleasurable for you both?
7. Have you discussed with your husband your needs in the bed room?
8. Have you communicated what you need in intimacy? what he needs?
9. Do you have intimate conversation?
10. Do you still make time just sit and kiss?
11. Do you dress to show him you have been thinking of sex?
12. Have you discussed sexual boundaries (how you feel about oral sex? anal sex? etc.)
These are only a few to get the ball rolling. I will comment on all these next week. Also - If you have more questions, write them down - I'm going to comment on them all and give as many Biblical resources as I can to back up my comments.
The comment lines have been cold. I guess this week we will see if anyone is actually reading.
Peace out. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens.
4 comments:
hey big sis,
i'm glad that your doing these online discussions! i found out about it from facebook and haven't said anything because i wasn't sure if it was limited to a group. anyway i thought i'd comment since you said you'd appreciate hearing feedback;)
let me say first that i've enjoyed your previous posts. like you, i am very interested to see how other people are experiencing this marriage thing and how it is working out, and how they are seeing this relationship as a manifestation of their faith in ways that just weren't possible before the phenomenon of marriage. if that makes any sense. i really appreciate your tips and the thoughts you have planted in our heads.
i have just a few things to say about this specific post. firstly, i am really glad that you addressed this topic. i have read a bunch of things that have come my way on Christian marriage relationships and even birth control. however, i have personally experienced a lack of discussion within evangelical circles regarding the practice of lovemaking, particularly within marriage. to put it plainly, what i heard from spiritual advisors was: "don't do it until you're married, and then it will all come naturally." and to be totally honest, we waited, and it did. but there are lots of other dynamics of lovemaking besides the physical act of sex, and that's why i'm particularly grateful for your post. that's just a thought about the treatment of this issue that i have experienced before.
i will admit that i have searched "christian sex" before, just to see if there were any "resources." while you come up with a MILLION results whenever you type in sex (none of which i feel great about exploring any further), there is a lack of dialogue about this. i could speculate about reasons why, but that's probably better saved for another post.
now, what it was you actually asked us to comment on. i am glad that you linked the issues of communication and lovemaking so directly. because, my experience, limited though it may be, is that the two are inextricable. if a couple desires to enjoy sex, there has to be communication between the husband and wife. one particular hangup i have with romantic movies in general is that the "sex" scenes always seem to just flow. nobody expresses any sort of discomfort (emotionally, physically, or otherwise), nobody gets their hair caught under someone's arm, nobody's panties get stuck on their leg as they're trying to be sexy. humor and communication are two necessities to lovemaking, in my opinion. to be honest with your husband is more valuable than any sort of "sexual knowledge." i wondered why my sister's advice was, "never read cosmo," and now i know. it doesn't matter what sort of ideas or moves i come up with, if he doesn't feel appreciated, adored, wanted, loved, and enjoyed (all things i want to feel too, by the way), the act of sex is...i would go so far as to say, meaningless.
one other thing that i'm sure you will address is the realization that sex is a very spiritual act. i feel that in our culture, it has become greatly cheapened (just like other mass-produced commodities). the way sex is experienced between two people who have made a commitment to love one another and one another only in that way, is indescribably fulfilling in itself. particularly when both partners see their sexuality as reflections of God and as a miracle of the Spirit.
i hope this is remotely on topic. anyway all that to say, i am really looking forward to your ideas!
woops, that was really long. sorry!
Posting anonymously...not sure how the husband would feel in regards to throwing this out there for all in cyberspace to read...another good question would be do you both make time for sex? Busy schedules get in the way often. There is his work schedule, my work schedule, my training schedule... and then the social calendar. We are really busy people and sometimes we just have to stop and breath and take a moment for each other. It is tough...but part of the game of life I guess. Also! Can I just please mention that it is AWESOME being married to your best friend!
Well I love to see how life has brought us to this point...all the way from the late night sleep overs with only girls and no boys allowed (when we got rid of Trevor)
I love that you're writing this and boy I can't wait to see what else pops up, I'll show up with a notepad, the good thing is though we are having sex like every day so I'll be ready for some tips :) Thanks babe...
Oh, I can 't believe you didn't tell me about the dreads
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